Penises Look Weird
an obvious statement
like water isn’t lava
or life is an already packed suitcase
(you look pretty tonight)
or Trump lies more
than dickless chickens
have no dongs
First Night Without Jack
2 Jul
First Night Without Jack
Drought, with running water
Everything right
About this world was
Tethered inside you
How am I supposed to not be morbid now?
It looks like I picked the wrong day to stop missing things
So long, my generous-guru friend
Adios, Bird King
Death is a real dick, at all times
It gets hung up on its own girth and doesn’t
Connect its acts with what it’s doing
Kick it in the nuts for me, brother, sing us one more tune
for Jack Collom
Get out of the car, Donald: Covfefe
30 Jun
Get out of the car, Donald: Covfefe
The old man spit almonds at the liquor store clerk for coming
around to the other side of the counter in order to feed
the thin Doberman a health food store treat
(Sprouts was right next door)
“He shouldn’t have that!” the old man said, spit “I don’t mean to yell, but last night
he had hideous diarrhea. (Hideous) (I was standing behind him. Great word choice.
I was impressed)
I’ve scrubbed so much shit out of my living room carpet
that the pain in my wrists is the only thing I’ve got left,
as far as proof that I’m alive.”
The old man thought about death a lot and looked hollow
The dog’s asshole was sensitive and he looked dehydrated and sad
The liquor store clerk said she was sorry, she should’ve first asked
Covfefe stepped around me like a John Wick fight scene
his eyes grinning like the wrong kind of condiments
“Hey mister,” Covfefe said, “I’ll give you 47 hundred dollars for the dog.
But only if this place sells beef jerky. Do you sell beef jerky?”
The lady who worked there said that they did.
“Sold. The dog, and all the beef jerky. I pay you for the dog
and her for the beef jerky. 47 hundred. Do we have a deal?”
The old man quivered, fully aware that he was only 3 or 4 more dog shits
away from ending his own life. He didn’t want to die that way.
On top a shit stained carpet. Dog. Shit. Stained.
Fuck that, the old man said in his head.
They had a deal.
On the ride home I asked Covfefe why he’d bought the dog
“Why do you think?!” Donald said, because he was sitting in the back seat
like he’s always sitting in the back seat. That’s what he does now.
He lives in the back seat. He pays people large bucks to provide him with
an unlimited amount of shit he orders from the Info Wars website and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
He won’t get out of the car.
He runs everything from back there
He’s the real thing #prick
so why would he?
“He bought the dog because they had beef jerky and the dog has diarrhea and we’re taking it
back to your place. Covfefe! Keep the dog away from my chicken! Can you comprehend what
I’m doing to you right now? I’d fucking think so.
aka Win/Win/Win.”
I tried to ignore Donald but it’s impossible.
He’s a big dickish mess.
And I told him that
“The only thing I regret,” Donald said “is that I never played golf
with Evel Knievel.”
and for the first time, I believed him
and I drove home
embalmed with that and all these memories
we’ll never see again
All these times that are now dead for us
Shit
The times that are dead
Covfefe
29 Jun
Covfefe
As the ashtrays pop like a steady invasion of phone-cams
and cream cheese
We all scream into the same bucket of water
We can all feel our own tanks slowly chipping away, under fire
Until the only thing left are the treds………….
Are you watching Fury again?. Covfefe asked the question like a statement
because I was always watching Fury again these days
I was always praising Brad Pitt’s performance
as a broken souled tank driver or sketching Hitler mustaches
just below the crotches of shitty modern day billionaires
or reading about Winston Churchill out loud
Since the election of this new goddamn reality show president
I’d become significantly obsessed with masturbation and not sleeping well
and learning lots of things about World War 2
Leave me alone, Covfefe. I said
Which made Covfefe laugh
Which was horrible, because a Covfefe laugh
sounds like the cross between Tom Cruise farting during a meter reading
and Ricardo Montalban waking from death screaming
because he’s spent the past chunk of years
dreaming about how he accidentally killed Tattoo
Leader gets two scoops of ice cream
when everyone else in the room gets only one
Covfefe gloated
One scoop because America is so gullible
and one scoop because it’s arrogant about its ignorance
and still pretty fucking racist
so: shit
That makes 2.
One + One……..I mean, I don’t know
where you learned math but where I learned math
we always said the pledge of allegiance before pooping
and didn’t eat our bologna sandwiches like afraid-of-mayonnaise pussies
I can tell you, with complete straight bullshit honesty,
that where I come from one + one: makes two
Covfefe! I found myself screaming voluntarily, Knock it off
Your shitty math hole
can’t tell algebra and a shark’s asshole
apart, how the fuck do you expect…….
Covfefe’s response was immediate
and misdirected
Love is for people.
I think my sister really likes you
Knock it off
Caring Tan
13 Jun
Caring Tan
The sun clung to her skin
like a marching band in soft slippers
and when she walked by
the whole world turned into headphones
because she was playing my favorite song
it was a marching band version
so it had that tone, and too many trumpets
staring into their cell phones as
the trombones utterly butchered the verses
Shit! It’s still a great song though,
no matter how you play it
I counted all the big drums
until she was gone
Sink
9 Jun
Sink
aka Where were they supposed to go after this?
Their love
was like a sink
- another color named by robots
- something assholes threw unfinished plates of spaghetti in
or crusted bowls of overtly-andante sadness
burnt toast
and jacked up forks
Their love was a graffiti torn sink
built to hold history and spoons,
a partially consumed sponge
and to once in a while, occasionally, piss in
when it’s late and the world’s too heavy to walk on
and the bathroom is all the way up the stairs
don’t judge me!
there is a beach in my pocket
where time drinks alone
and the bladder gets circled by sharks
so I sink
because up the stairs is a long way to travel
when you’re this alone
and the moon insists on poking
and you’ve really gotta pee
Grass Bat
5 Jun
Grass Bat
Her hair was the color of yesterday’s favorite chew toy
and his eyes reminded her of a blue crayon
left to die in the mud
their love held on like a bat made out of grass
they lived in a cave surrounded by lawnmowers
but they had a defensive arsenal of dvds
and compensable sex parts
and for a while the lawnmowers couldn’t get them
until eventually even the cave turned against them
because nothing lasts forever except war
and that goddamn Celine Dion song
I mean, fuck, it just goes on forever
unlike the grass bats
a grass bat has the shelf life of a sensitive mammal
made out of uprooted plant clippings
(fuck) all these goddamn every day-by-day extinctions
(historic note: that’s how watching
For Your Eyes Only alone was invented)
the grass bats are gone
