15 Things I Learned While Watching: Commercials Last Night on Digital-Antenna TV
1. The Plot: When Helen left she took a lot of things with her, including the cable TV. Post-Helen I’ve thought about having the damn thing re-installed, but the whole idea of choosing a cable provider and talking to them on the goddamn phone or whatever you have to do these days in order to watch Game Of Thrones in a timely fucking fashion seems exhausting. The price is just too damn high, so who needs it? As far as Helen goes, we’ll always have Comcast. Alone, I get by with one of those little antenna converter boxes. I get around 20 channels. Half of those are in Spanish and I don’t understand them, so let’s call it 10. Out of those 10 there are 2 channels that play old movies and 1970’s TV shows. So mostly, I watch them. The reception’s pretty good, unless one of the cats happens to walk between the couch and the TV. For some reason a movement such as this tends to fuck with the signal. The screen goes all twitchy. But you get used to that. (the cats tend to walk between the couch and the TV a lot). Last night channel 2 was running a mini Burn Notice marathon, and in between all the burnt spy action they played a lot of commercials. Apparently:
2, Dunkin Donuts’ new blend of chocolate donut coffee is so good it will almost make you cum in your pants
3, Snapple is made from the best stuff on Earth, ergo: Late 70’s era Linda Carter. Apparently Snapple slipped onto the Wonder Woman set shortly before the series was canceled and obtained a DNA sample of the invisible jet flying goddess and, after laborious trial and error, perfected a system which allowed them to clone her. They’ve made thousands of copies which they then chop up or whatever the secret curing process is, and with these cloned choppings they make tea.
4. Finding the perfect shoes at outrageously low prices will almost make you cum in your pants
5. According to Ford the outside world is ‘360 degrees of chaos’. There’s no arguing about that.
6. The Channel 2 News Team, they get along amazingly well with each other and shit standing up
7. Olive oil makes mayonnaise ok to eat. Meaning it re-invents mayo’s image as a fat-creating-bastard to a point at which it becomes healthier somehow. Healthier than it used to be. Also, eating olive oil enhanced mayonnaise will almost make you cum in your pants.
8. Now available for download: The RunPee app. Even though it sounds made up, it’s a totally real thing. As real as anything can be anyway (see: The complete writings of Philip K Dick). When you’re watching a movie and find yourself having to pee, this app will suggest to you the best time to get up and relieve yourself (urine-ally).
9. Smoke em if you got em, but personally I don’t need technology to tell me when to piss in a movie theater. Example: I was at the movies last week watching The Fault In Our Stars, and shortly after finishing off a large grape flavored Mellow Yellow Zero felt ‘the urge’ so to speak, but having previously read the book version of Fault I waited until the lung-fucked heroine was at the Ann Frank museum, where she encountered a tall flight of stairs. Being that climbing stairs is difficult for her, I chose this moment to get up and take a leak. When I got back, she was still climbing the damn stairs. Ergo: I missed nothing!
10. I should create a competing app, call it TakeYourTimePiss. Using this app you’ll find helpful suggestions like: If you’re watching the new Tom Cruise sci-fi movie version of the book All You Need Is Kill, anytime you see Tom Cruise walk onto the screen; consider it a good time to take a piss.
11. There are websites devoted entirely to helping car owners pick out new tires. When the owner finds the tires they like and realize how much money they’re about to save by purchasing them, they cum in their pants.
12. Sarah Michelle Geller’s new sitcom has been canceled. On a different but also almost related topic, if I was fucking Sarah Michelle Geller I imagine we’d have this deal where if I scream out or even mumble the word ‘Buffy’ during sex I’ll have to throw a dollar in a jar, like a swear jar, only way more fun.
13. I was distracted. What was that one supposed to be about? The commercial with the animated butterfly tough talking an aggravated flower…had something to do with lavender and embryonic fluid. If you don’t start taking this stuff immediately your life will continue to suck.
14. McDonalds is tired of making hamburgers and has decided to open a chain of chemically enhanced brothels. The sex will be cheap and unsatisfying, but in order to fool the customer into thinking they’ve had a good time the prostitutes will be injected with chemicals that, for a brief period, manage to fool you into thinking you really enjoyed your shitty McFuck.
15. Razors today require flex balls. If your razor doesn’t have flex balls, you probably aren’t cumming in your pants.