The Whole Damn World vs King Kong

18 Jul

                             king_kong_1933_01 (1)

The Whole Damn World vs King Kong 
 
            Tell her your theory, Carl.
            Carl has a theory?
            Carl has a theory.
            About what?
            9/11.
            Everybody has a theory about 9/11.
            I know. But Carl’s theory has to do with how the World Trade Center could’ve been saved if King Kong was still alive and had been there because he has experience batting down airplanes while hanging on the tops of tall buildings……
            ‘Building’ actually. The Empire State Building. In the movie there was just the one….
            Yes. Fine. Building.
            Or maybe ‘buildings’ if you’re talking about the Rick Baker in a monkey suit remake…
            We’re not talking about the remake. Nobody should ever talk about the remake.
            Or that Peter Jackson thing where King Kong’s ice skating in the goddamn park. A grown ass monkey ice skating, I mean. What’s up with that?
            I’m right now pretending you didn’t say that. The point is Carl’s convinced the Towers would still be where they used to be if King Kong had been around to save them but he’s not around because we live in a post-love world these days and ……
            Post-love?
            Yes. Carl says love’s dead. Murdered actually. Butchered in its sleep, but not quietly. It was only taking a nap when….
            Wait. What killed love exactly?
            You know. The usual. Narcissism. Fear. Greed.
            Idolatry.
            Gluten Free Pop Tarts, Stub-Your-Toe-And-Sue Accident Attorneys.
            Ben Affleck movies.
            John Mayer Records.
            The Celebration of Ignorance.
            Profit Based Monopolies and their Manipulation of Faith.
            That reminds me. Did you happen to catch last night’s episode of Duck Dynasty?
            No. Stay on topic! We’re talking about Carl’s…..
            Right. Terrorism and King Kong. The Overdramatically Pronounced Death of Love.
            Exactly.
            Wait. I’m confused. Carl, I’m confused. What the fuck’s Love got to do with King Kong?
            Carl says Love and King Kong are the same thing.
            How’s that?
            Carl’s watched the original movie about 500 times and has convinced himself that Kong is the Stop Motion manifestation of pure and selflessly self-sacrificing affection. The way he falls for Fay Wray in the jungle at first look and protects her from the giant monsters with absolute zero regard to his own safety…
            They hadn’t even kissed yet.
            ….and how when they get separated in the city he loses his goddamn mind without her and stomps around lost until they’re reunited again, which is when he does the ultimate sacrifice thing…
            Yeah, I’m not sure I’d be all excited to do that if we hadn’t even kissed.
            …because he’s in danger he believes she’s in danger, but he’s gotta know that she’s in no way into him and the thing is it doesn’t matter to Kong because he loves her. It matters and it doesn’t matter. Get it?  And her safety’s more important than his own safety and all that so he takes the bullets. Love takes the bullets. For Fay Wray and everything else. Gunned down by Fear and Greed and Duck Dynasty……
            Ok.
            I know, right? Is that right Carl?
            Don’t answer that Carl. I’m thinking. Narcissism and Pop Tarts. Ok. So what, Carl’s saying that the airplane’s were actually flown by all the worst parts of everything that makes up a goddamn Human Being squeezed into the bodies of tiny asshole pilots and King Kong was Love…
            Dressed up in a fur coat and cursed with a sad dick that’s so big it’s unable to fit into the only thing it ever wanted to fit in.
            ….yeah.  And the assholes killed the good stuff. King Kong’s the good stuff.  And that’s how the terrorists managed to take out the Twin Towers during the 9/11 attack?
            Exactly.
            Bullshit.
            See Carl, I told you you’re crazy. Carl told me that he figures that if there was real love in the world today instead of all this opposite stuff everyone wouldn’t be so goddamn programmed to hate each other so much and…
            Carl’s stoned. He thinks Love could have saved things?
            Love could have saved things.
            And King Kong equals Love in all this.
            Exactly. Ergo: King Kong could have saved us all.
            But he didn’t.
            Because he’s dead.
            Fuck that. Carl is aware that King Kong’s a fictional character, right? Carl, you do know the difference between real life and TV?
            You know Carl. He has a thing about inserting fictional characters into his real life solutions.
            Right. So Love’s dead then.
            Correct.
            That’s depressing. Wait. Does this have something to do with the fact that Darla left him?
            I don’t know. Carl, does this have something to do with the fact that Darla left you?
            He don’t need to answer that. You don’t need to answer that, Carl. It does.
            Carl still misses Darla!
            Yep.
            That’s terrible. Carl, you’re just sitting here missing her and she’s…huh. I wonder what Darla’s doing now?
           Last I heard she’s living with some guy who’s Grandpa owns Planters Peanuts.
            No shit.
            Yeah. And when Grandpa dies he’ll inherit the entire company.
            Ha! You hear that, Carl? Darla’s gonna be Queen of the Peanuts. What’s the guy doing now, until his Grandpa croaks?
            He  just sits around fucking Darla and  making money off peanuts I guess.
            Lucky bastard. Darla’s a real looker.
            She has great boobs.
            I know, right?
            Her boobs were real.
            And so were her feelings.
            Exactly. And those feelings wanted nothing to do with Carl.
            That’s sad.
            Almost as sad as Carl sitting there thinking King Kong’s real.
            It’s better than thinking about his ex-girlfriend fucking the Prince of Planters.
            Maybe. But there’s still something off about the whole thing.
            It’s best not to dwell on it.
            Did you hear that Carl? It’s best not to dwell on…..Wait.
            Where’s Carl going?
            Carl, where are you going?
            Why’s he climbing on top of his desk?
            I have no idea. Carl, why are you climbing to the top of your desk?
            I think he’s crying.
            Fuck. Carl, why are you crying? Get down from there.
            He’s not getting down.
            I’m lost.
            Carl’s nuts.

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