Government Shutdown Erotica
Unlike the Government, Pelosi’s vagina remained open and though Boehner’s primary penis had been furloughed, in the drawer next to their American Flag shaped bed he kept a spare–just in case–for times of political gridlock such as this.
“You know you wouldn’t have to be using that back up wiener if you’d stop being so stubborn and put the damn thing up for a vote.” Pelosi purred, her sexy neck wrinkles arched in that way that made them resemble a forest filled with spaghetti hiding from an overly cooked noodle stalking bat.
“The only thing going up for a vote right now is whether we start or end with anal, and we ain’t voting. We’re starting with anal!” Boehner said. His man boobs dangling to the point in which Pelosi had days ago nicknamed them Selma and Hayek.
“Park services have been affected by the shutdown. I’m afraid Trail Ridge Road is closed. No anal until you make nice with Obama.” Pelosi reminded him.
“Fuck the President!’ Boehner screamed as he tied Pelosi’s wrists to the bedposts using thick scrolled paper printouts describing exactly how much money we owe the Chinese.
“Fuck fucking the President!” Pelosi howled. “Fuck me instead!”
“Oh I’ll fuck you all right!” Boehner said
“Well do it!” Pelosi said.
“I’m gonna!” Boehner said, but he still wasn’t fucking her so Pelosi looked down and discovered that the problem was that, just like the Government, Boehner’s wiener appeared to be only partially funded as well.
Pelosi attempted to divert a chunk of verbal funds towards the issue by reciting the names of past political leaders whose names were also phallic or sexual in nature, knowing fully well that shit like this turned him on.
“Dick Chaney! Dick Nixon! Dick Armey! Lyndon Johnson! Franklin Pierce! James Polk! Warren Harding! George W Bush! The phonetic pronunciation of your own last name! The phonetic pronunciation of your own last name! The phonetic pronunciation of your own last name!”
That did the trick! Boehner entered Pelosi like a red faced jackass entering a less red faced jackass and they humped and they humped until their sweat formed chalky puddles of bickering subcommittees. Not ever their goddamn sex sweat could get along!
Over the course of the next hour Boehner had reached his own debt ceiling several times while Pelosi’s orgasm remained sequestered, but Boehner didn’t give a shit. His face was the color of fire trucks and the Government could no longer afford fire trucks and besides that his hips hurt so he rolled off Pelosi like a fanatical Tea Party member pretending to read, put his pants back on both legs at a time, and told Pelosi he had to go.
“I’m still tied to the bed you lame fuck!” Pelosi said.
“Sorry Babe. I don’t negotiate. I dig in.” Boehner told her.
“This isn’t a negotiation you asshole. It’s a civilized one human being to another request.” Pelosi said.
“Liberal word play.” Boehner said.
“This is the world that gets made when you allow people whose favorite TV show’s Duck Dynasty to vote.” Pelosi spits back at him
But by this point Boehner isn’t listening, he just leaves her there, tied to the bed in a room. And being a Democrat, Pelosi’ too goddamn incompetent to figure out a way to untie herself, even though her bonds are made out of easily torn paper; while outside this bleak sex room Blaming The Other Side tops the pop charts and the Government shutdown rolls on……
(written for the F Bomb readings at the Mercury Cafe/Denver (next show=8/13 at 6:45) during the sutdown)