Archive | September, 2014

Ode To Her Love For Neil Diamond

27 Sep

           neil diamond

Ode To Her Love for Neil Diamond

her anxiety embraced the spotlight
like a naked Neil Diamond
belting a continuous stream of classics

from behind the dressing room curtains
of her mother’s old record player
this morning she awoke gloom filled
and cranky

but several songs into The Jazz Singer
she steps out of the shower sufficiently armed
the words to Love On The Rocks weaving

shiny chain mail beneath her skin and depositing the bones
of dead dragons at her feet, beasts she’s recently defeated
“Don’t let the Old Spice fool you.” she whispers

to the ghost of an angry Joan Rivers
“This album’s great!” and with her courage
newly side-burned and the next eight hours

she’ll have to spend working
her crappy job sufficiently sequined
she finds strength once again to face another
Today!

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On The Night

25 Sep

4c4194d18f368ae4e5896717ce15b621

on the night

justice isn’t allowed on this lot failed to receive
its callback so tonight, beneath this not so brave
movie prop light, only jude law reigns
as the dark sky sits in a corner booth somewhere

rehearsing its lines picking at blueberries
mashed between a warm plate and a ceiling
of pie crust its fork stained absentmindedly
the jukebox playing songs previously hummed in
another dreary box office dud studded dream

the napkin holders recently spray painted
the color of a young scarlet johansen
the john travolta out of order, forcing

all the madmen like us and the madwomen too
to take life, and all this synchronized shit that goes
along with it back out the front door and into the streets
where it’s so hard to belong

Ode To The Pilot V Ball

24 Sep

v ball

Ode to the Pilot V Ball

Don’t worry
It’s not bragging
You are extra fine

And I shall always
remember
That day we first met
On the corner of something
& whatever
In New York City

The Greatest City In The World

If you don’t count this town
Or any other town
My Girl happens to still be
sleeping in
at the time
& what’s that?
Hey V Ball!

You were hanging out
Next to the counter
Inside the stationary store

I was just looking for sketchbooks
On our way to the Bowery
Heading that way towards
Time Square
Meeting you was a nice surprise

You looked sharp
In your black plastic what-have-you-s
with Bach playing destinitically
in the background
(Wait! No it wasn’t! It’s playing
In the background now)

Either way, I bought
four or five of you
Glorious Fuckers
And brought you back here
To Colorado
Where one by one you died
Nobly and shit

Ink run dry
while jotting down
important shopping lists
unpublished poetry, various
sketches, things to do lists,
my little brother’s telephone
number, novel ramblings
Olive Garden haikus
Tyler Burba’s new Brooklyn address
Saturday afternoon movie times
Stuff like that
until

I’m at the point now, today
December 13, 2005 where
I’ve only got one of you left

And for some goddamned reason
They don’t sell you in Boulder, CO
You’ve been replaced by the V-5
But I say fuck the V-5
That’s not progress
Bloggers Unite!
One’s not enough!
What if it conks out
on me when I’m buried
in the middle
of writing down something
important?
What am I supposed to do then?
Go back tail tucked between my legs
to Uni-Ball?

Fuck that! I require a sturdy harem!
and If I must return to Manhattan someday soon
to rebuild it then so be it!

I’m not ordering
shit off the internet, got me?!

I’ll come and get you myself, and until then
I’ll embrace the typer
So you can rest
your ink tonight love
Reinforcements are coming
Until then, please don’t get all computer jealous on me
I’ve never trusted the damn thing
and you know it
I promise
When the backups
Arrive we’ll do it
Longhand again. Just like old times. Sound good?
Good.
Did you say ‘god’ or ‘good’?
Good?
All right.

 

 

 

(from my book I See You, Lewis. Baobob Tree Press)

10 Things I Learned While Watching: Turner and Hooch

24 Sep

hooch

10 Things I Learned While Watching: Turner and Hooch

1. The Plot: Tom Hanks is the sort of cop who owns a pants pressing machine and keeps a Dust Buster in his car. Hooch is the sort of dog that acts as the perfect example of why I fucking love cats. In the beginning they sorta hate each other but after Hooch turns out to be the only eyewitness to a murder, Hanks and the dog are forced to team up to catch the killer before he either does or does not kill again.

2. It’s Starsky and Hutch, without the Starsky. This movie is just one long pile of Hutch.

3. T and H has the same sort of moody jazz 80’s horn soundtrack that Lethal Weapon has. What it doesn’t have is a cool Lethal catch phrase like “I’m getting too old for this shit”. It has Hooch’s gimmick of dangling huge globs of pre-cum from his mouth while sitting quietly in the passenger seat of the car instead.

4. If I was stranded on a desert island and throughout the entire duration of this stranding could only watch one movie starring a human being and an animal, that movie wouldn’t be Turner and Hooch. It’d be whatever-it’s-called. The one where Bill Murray inherits an elephant and takes in on a cross country road trip the end of which Bill Murray chooses the circus of love over cash.

5. Either the Bill Murray/elephant flick, or Smokey and the Bandit 2.

6. Watching Turner and Hooch at 3 a.m. this morning was a lot like watching the unraveling of my own marriage with Helen. I’m having a hard time figuring out which one of us was Tom Hanks though, and which one of us was the Hooch. We seem to switch characters, Helen and me, depending upon the particular scene.

7. At one point Helen’s the one with the can of Lysol up her ass and I’m the slobbering lunatic living moment to moment and in need of a bath. The next minute I’m Tom Hanks standing there with a face carved in pure bafflement and 100% horror watching as Helen stampedes around what was once our little life together, destroying everything her wet jowl-ed love for me had ever owned.

8. T and H may be harmless fun, but for Hollywood Studios Turner and Hooch was a gateway drug to more destructive/infinitely shit-y type buddy cop/dog movies like K9, K9 P.I., and Scoot and Kassie’s Christmas Adventure.

9. Historical Note: Scoot’s pal (aka Luke Perry) wasn’t officially a cop in that Christmas movie, but they did go up against some professional ‘crooks’, so it counts goddamn it. It counts.

10. More about elephants: The last time I was at a Yawpers show I was hanging around outside for a minute using a mailbox as a table because the bouncers who were standing outside the bar carding the door where saying the goddamn most cliché/goofball things that I had to write at least some of it down. They were mostly saying hi-five stuff like “I don’t need to tell you there’s a smoking hot redhead inside” and “She cries too easy” and “You take a girl with a sleeve and a shaved head on the side and I’m done”. They were saying this stuff and then suddenly they were talking about elephants. “Best animal attack story every,” one bouncer said to the other. “He was standing next to this elephant…..” Long story short, it wasn’t actually the best animal attack story ever. It was a depressing animal story when you really thought about it. And I thought about it. And then I thought about my own depressing animal story. And then a few months later I sat down to write this thing about this depressing animal story, because I had totally fucking forgotten that: Hooch dies in the end.

When I Can’t Sleep

23 Sep

polar bear

When I Can’t Sleep

When I can’t sleep
I think about polar bears

and when I can’t think about polar bears
I pretend that I’m climbing the Empire State Building

and when I can’t pretend that I’m climbing the Empire State Building
I stick my feet in goulash instead of galoshes

and when I can’t do that
I pretend that fate hasn’t started its own swim team

and when that doesn’t work
I make sure I can still spell ‘Cheetos’ in my head

and if I’m having a hard time with that
I watch a movie

and after that’s over
I read three boxes of comics

but if I’m sleeping downstairs
and the comics are upstairs
and I don’t feel like going upstairs

I hit the punching bag in the backyard
and when the punching bag kicks my ass

I write angry letters to the President of Diet Sprite
and when those letters are ignored

I watch documentaries about sharks
and when those documentaries are over

I dream about bathing
but because the plumping
doesn’t plum shit in this apartment

I skip the tub and re-read every one
of Richard Laymon’s Beast House novels instead

and after the Beasts are done corpse-fucking
I count millions of zombies on the ceiling
and after the zombies have devoured the counting

I wonder what Bono’s
been up to these days
and after deciding I don’t give a shit
not that I’ve got anything
against Bono or anything

I wonder what it’d sound like
if I tied a harmonica to my dick
and tried to hump “The Star Spangled Banner”

and after remembering that
“The Star Spangled Banner” no longer
wants anything to do with me

and all these other things go to hell
I think of you

 

(from my book The Aftermath, etc.  Monkey Puzzle Press)

How The Finger Went Mad: Knuckle 2

22 Sep
           chv

How The Finger Went Mad: Knuckle 2

The Finger tried hard to forget what had happened
but sometimes forgetting is like treading Peach Mango Slurpee syrup
inside a Styrofoam cup shaped like the rest of your life

sometimes forgetting is just too goddamn impossible to do

So The Finger hopped inside the nearest liquor store
and as he stood there in the brightly lit whiskey aisle
carefully picking out his next nervous breakdown
a Big Toe he used to know swaddled by pushing
a shopping cart full of exotic Vodkas

The Finger looked like shit
he hadn’t cut his nail in months
and was sweating so hard that his print was no longer
unique

The Toe picked up on this and asked what was going on
and in the hopes that sharing his story might make him
feel less horrible about everything he told The Toe what had happened

While listening The Toe threw up in his sock a little bit
and admitted that The Finger had a very good reason
for falling apart and after that The Toe excused himself

and after the excusing quickly told the tale of The Finger
to one of his friends, who told the tale to her friend
who told it to another friend who happened to work at
The Westword, who wrote a depressing as hell story
about it

The story eventually became known to enough people
that it drew the attention of certain people who work
in Television

These people thought that the story was horrible enough
that the general public might enjoy listening to The Finger
recount his tale in front of a live audience so they contacted
him about appearing on a talk show

The story wasn’t interesting enough to be told on an actual
talk show that’s still on the air today like Jimmy Fallon
or the final year of The Late Show with David Letterman

it wasn’t even interesting enough to be told on the Arsenio Hall Show
even though most everyone could’ve sworn that show had been cancelled
years ago and was generally shocked to hear that it was still on the air

but it was interesting enough to get The Finger booked on
the talk show Chevy Chase had for about 6 weeks in the 1990’s
before it got canceled, so that’s what happened

The Finger was booked to appear on The Chevy Chase Talk Show

The Finger was flown back in time and put up in a Radisson
next to the studio, all expenses paid

The Finger didn’t feel like telling his story on TV was such
a good idea but The Producers insisted that it’d make him
feel better, getting it off his chest in a public setting and all that

in order to convince him The Producers offered various things
that have happened on the Doctor Phil show as examples
of the therapeutic nature of talking publicly about the horrible things
that happen in life

“And it’s not as if you’ll have to tell the story of this horrible nightmare
that you’ve managed to live through all at once, without interruption.” The Producers
had explained to The Finger. “Chevy’ll cut to a commercial somewhere
in the middle of it, so you’ll have a little break there where you can
pull yourself together if you need to pull yourself together and you can
listen to the band play until the commercial break’s over, if Chevy has a
band. He has a band, right? I can’t remember. Anyway you can listen
to the band play probably. I hear they’re really good.”

The night of the show The Finger hung out backstage
in the Green Room which looked more like
a hastily emptied out broom closet

instead of craft services there was a Chinese menu taped to the ceiling
and instead of a couch there was a folding chair that had a handwritten
sign taped to it and on the sign there was the word: ‘Couch’

The show started with a previously filmed sketch
in which Chevy Chase pretended to accidentally bump
into Corbin Bernsen in a produce aisle of a neighborhood
grocery store

Chevy pronounced Corbin’s name wrong and then
they took turns comparing an oddly shaped cantaloupe
to various ex-wives

and then after that Chevy hit the stage for his monologue
he told a joke about air travel being less than convenient
and then he told a joke about this asshole who failed to recognize him
at a goddamn restaurant
and then he told a joke about his new wife’s dog
pooping on the floor

this was followed up by a two part Q and A segment
with Tom Selleck which was filled with questions
about Tom’s mustache and awkward silence
that would cause Chevy to swivel his chair to the left
where he had an electronic keyboard set up
and he would play the keyboard for a while
until it got even quieter

Chevy would play to the goddamn silence until
eventually he’d just stop

During it all The Finger waited backstage
feeling nervous as hell and by the time
Chevy broke into the part of the show
where he pretends to report the news
The Finger was feeling so bad that he began
questioning the reason why he’d agreed to
do this thing at all because the experience
of waiting backstage to appear on The Chevy Chase Talk Show
to talk about the horrible thing that had happened
was stacking up to be almost just as bad as participating
in the horrible thing that had happened in the first place

by the time musical act Limp Bizkit hit the stage
The Finger was ready to fucking bail
but the fleeing turned out to be unneccesary
because when it at last came time for The Finger
to crawl into the guest seat Chevy mispronounced his name
even worse than he had Corbin Bernsen’s

even though the cue card clearly read “Finger’
Chevy introduced him as the Sistine Chapel
and before The Finger had time to decide if he should
walk out there anyway or wait for Chevy to get it right

the goddamn Sistine Chapel popped out from behind
the curtain and slowly waved to the audience as it made
its way across the stage to sit down in the guest chair

and just like that The Finger was off the hook
Chevy spent the rest of the show asking the Sistine Chapel
questions like ‘Don’t you hate waiting in line at the airport?’
and ‘What’s it like dating Goldie Hawn?’

when the show was over The Producers apologized
for Chevy accidentally bumping him for the Sistine Chapel
and promised to have The Finger back on another night

The Finger told them not to bother
and took the first flight back to 2014
and went back to trying to forget things
and drinking alone in his room

 

 

Love Is: A Rigged Election

21 Sep

voting booth

Love is: a rigged election

love is a rigged election putting the moves on
your comfortable bathrobe, mixed with an I-phone rim job
and something about dying in snow