Archive | September, 2015

Love Shovel Love/Death Haikus

25 Sep

faust

Love Shovel Love/Death Haikus

 

1.

ghosts in high stripper shoes

dry hump my obituary

w/ no bouncers around

 

2.

Tombstone vagina

fore-go after life & come

play with me, you dick

 

3.

dick hearse’d erections

embalmed in overnight bar soap

coasting out of gas

 

4.

you’re pretty, but dead

I just can’t fuck a coffin

Can I be excused?

 

5.

Zombies have eaten

all flesh leading back to you

This world is a prick

 

 

 

(originally performed a few years back with the original Love Shovel group: Marcus and Jonny and Sam. Love Shovel, as watched over by the mighty Marcus, has evolved into something bigger and more organized and will eventually take over the world. loveshovelranch.com)

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what about this?

25 Sep

tai chi

what about this?

 

what about this?

their music pissed off the dance floor

so the dance floor took off

there was a broken harmonica

where his heart used to be

record stores vs. Spotify

the world’s been taking selfies since then

instead of playing the piano

which is pretty: fucked up

their music pissed off the dance floor

so the dance floor took off

but not before taking a selfie

the dance floor took a selfie

and then it took off

because it couldn’t stand their music

so he was like, fuck dance floors

he liked their music

even though nobody was playing it

anymore

he liked their music

and he liked the fact

that he no longer gave a shit about McDonalds

and he liked astronomy

and Taylor Swift songs

and talking to the lone hippo

at the zoo

because with these things

like Taylor Swift and the hippo

with these things he at least knew where he stood

instead of where he was standing

which was nowhere near the goddamn dance floor

that’s for sure

because the dance floor had split

fine, fucking move on with it

but his feet just wouldn’t quit bitching

even though they’d proved clearly incompetent

in the genre of dance

he wished he’d have taken lessons or something

when he’d still had the chance

he wished that Bill Murray would win an Oscar

he wished he’d stuck with it when he was younger

and gotten really good at Tai Chi

instead of giving up because he’d injured his testicle

doing David Carradine’s Tai Chi moves from

the book Learn Tai Chi the David Carradine way

or whatever it was called

around 12 pages in, following all the instructions

and diagrams and charts, he’d twisted in a way

which had caused his left testicle to twist

in a way that left testicles where never meant to be twisted

twisted to the point where the pain damn near became sentient

and started its own Facebook page and ran for President

that pain causing him to go to the doctor

where he was forced to tell the pretty medical assistant

who’d asked him what he was there for that

I twisted my hmmmmdhfm doing David Carradine Tai Chi.

and because he’d fumbled the word ‘testicle’

she was forced to ask him to repeat himself

and because he’d already discovered that it was pretty much

impossible to say the word ‘testicle’ in front of this woman

because maybe he loved her

he rephrased everything until it came out as

I think I hurt my left nut

What’s Good Nadal?

12 Sep

nadal

 

What’s Good Nadal?

 

What’s good Nadal?

I hear you’re in New York now

and that the US Open’s through with you

 

That’s rough

Have you heard the new Rob Thomas album yet?

Did you just spend the entire day eating pizza?

 

You should head down to Central Park

I once saw a turtle there the size of a Big Wheel

I once stood in front of the David Letterman sign

in front of the Ed Sullivan Theater with a woman

who loved me

 

I can’t remember because I don’t give a shit

Nadal,

were you ever on that show?

That’s curious

Do you plan on sharing the story of your brand new recent loss

with Stephan Colbert anytime soon?

 

Do you know how much weed that one kid

in the Final Destination franchise has in his pockets right now?

You sound upset to me

Do you have rhetorical change for a quarter?

 

What’s your favorite sun flower?

Mine’s the Helianthus

No I didn’t have to look that up!

 

but I did right now

a few minutes ago

I just peed in the kitchen sink

because there’s nobody around

to tell me not too

That’s ridiculous

 

Nadal!

 

If you could pee in anything without getting shit for it

what would that thing that you pee into be?

 

Don’t answer that

Thank you

I don’t want to know

 

Nadal!

Are you listening?!

 

Does your balogna really have a first name or not?

Mine doesn’t

That’s gross*

Mine’s got 97 nicknames

but a specific style of luncheon meat’s not one

 

I feel bad about myself for writing that last line

but not bad enough to erase it

 

That’s what it’s like being me

Is that what it’s like being you

 

Nadal?

 

I’d think it probably would be

 

But what do I know?

I’ve never liked you

but I don’t like the dude who beat

you, maybe, even more

 

which has me thinking

 

Do I have to start rooting for you now?

Because I know we’ve had our problems

and I really don’t want to do it

but if you keep losing like this to that guy

I feel like I’m going to start rooting for you

soon

 

shit,

as in: Oh well

 

life is weird

like that

Nadal

 

Can I call you Nadal?

Can anything save everything?

Can you tell me what’s good?

 

*Donnie Darko, ya’ll

 

The Night The Selfies Became Sentient

9 Sep

selfies-kim-620x400

 

The Night The Selfies Became Sentient

 

There was a night

and then a bunch of other nights

until there was the night

that was that one night

 

the night the selfies became sentient

and true love went to Hell

 

The selfies became sentient

and you’d think they’d do something big

after achieving this sentience

like murder their photo taking masters,

take a shit in a bathroom sink at the nearest Taco Bell,

and take over the world

 

but instead of taking over the world

they just gave up

and took more pictures of themselves

 

and posted them online

at nonsense like #what’sgoodexistence?

and #sentient and

(all the time I miss you)

#myOtherPictureOfMyselfIsYrMom

2 haiku made out of bits of things said by Jessica Simpson

3 Sep

newlyweds

 

2 haiku made out of bits of things said by Jessica Simpson

 

Jessica Simpson cut up haiku 1

my groin hurts, my head

hurts, I will love you for-ev-

er, oops, I feel fat

 

 

Jessica Simpson cut-up haiku 2:

Don’t make fun of me
How do you have sex with donk-
eys? I can’t wake up