They Both Screamed ‘Uncle Kracker’ At The Same Time When Their Loving Became Too Much

4 Dec

uncle kracker



They Both Screamed ‘Uncle Kracker’ At The Same Time When Their Loving Became Too Much


at some point closer to noon

he slipped away from work

and made his way to her throaty loft

between big town crematoriums

intending to share a long lunch break

even though she had the day off and he still smelled

like earlier-that-morning’s PB & J


he wanted to dive straight into it but she wanted to power walk

between the futon and the kitchen table a couple hundred dozen times

and talk without cursing but her voice sounded like a bag of shattered marbles

rough sexing a turtle so they watched a couple of snake documentaries

on Netflix and drank yerba mates, slowly, to get in: the mood


the mood was shaped like an immensely dense sex-shop-modified apple fritter

and shortly upon realizing its arrival they both yanked themselves out

of their own sex-stop pants and jumped right in


her vagina was wide eyed and aquatic-ly fearless

his penis held its nose before the splash down


his penis was bent slightly like an older man carrying groceries

her bush was shaved like it had never been shaved before

her bush appeared to be hiding behind a superfluously positioned

second bush

because sometimes evolution’s just weird like that


but his penis was both persistent and wanted a sandwich

and found her sex spots eventually


upon arriving his dick felt scratched up

and parched and found itself asking politely

for a glass of lemonade while they did this


her clitoris was shaped like an always angry woman

who spends most of her time screaming shit like

“I don’t have any barn-darn lemonade!” or

“Get the hell off my yard!”


so he was all “So it’s like that then is it”

and proceeded to bang her without lemonade

or glee


butt: fuck it


while he was inside her the world didn’t care about participation rates

and while she was outside him she thought about getting her steps in

while outside that little wherever they were


the entire goddamn universe is pretty much finite and

Donald Trump may have been doing inappropriate impressions of the disabled


but their orgasms almost legitimately

had cerebral palsy



when they both came

they came like Michael J Fox

trying on a new pair of socks


and then after that happened they really went at it

like they tended to go at it

and knowing how occasionally uncomfortable

the ‘at it’ could get, they’d come up with a series

of safe words


and by this point things had gone a little weird

and this afternoon’s safety word was ‘Uncle Kracker’

so he screamed it

but she’d forgotten they’d changed it

she was still under the impression that the safety word

was still ‘That One Song By Menudo!’

but it wasn’t Menudo

it was Uncle Kracker

but she didn’t remember this

so when he screamed Uncle Kracker

she thought he was just making

in-the-middle-of-rough-sex small talk


“Yes. I like Uncle Kracker too. Especially

that one song I can’t remember right now.

That’s probably my favorite.”


but he wasn’t kidding around

he was fucking serious!

“Not Menudo! Uncle Kracker goddamn it! Check your fucking Outlook!

We stopped doing Menudo yesterday!”


he was right of course, but that didn’t really matter anymore

she was in the lunch sex zone and her favorite movie had always been Highlander

“There can be only one!”




only later

as he was limp walking his way back to the office

did the poor bastard weep


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