the day had been long
and she’d had no time to snatch lunch
so by the time she got home
she screamed ‘FAMISHED’ in Chinese
and after that she blurted out something she thought
the Chinese might say when they want to say
‘FUCK!” because she was out of food
and an extended understanding
of other languages so
she had jean crotch
and a couple of crackers
and after almost doing the dishes
she thought about putting in a movie
but she was still wearing
her dinner pants
so her crotch was hanging out
and the breeze felt like a five dollar bill
blowing against an old vending machine
built with the type of slots that weren’t built
to handle denominations of such girth
so she walked over into the other room
into something a little less crotchless
and then she sat down and started watching a sitcom
that was sort of like Friends
if Ross had been a little bit anti-Semitic
and instead of being a paleontologist
he spent most of his time at work
sitting in his brand new cubicle not eating a delicious donut
because he thought it looked Jewish and
making fun of people with disabilities
because Joey’d been born with feet
that refused to point straight
under their own influence
and had been forced to wear prescription
footwear when he was little
and they’d been brown and shaped like dress shoes
and Ross found this: hilarious!
he pelted Joey with hard candy and crude references
to Tom Hanks movies when he wasn’t busy
banging Rachel so hard
she never made it into work the next day
he also laughed heartily
after Monica accused Joey of having poop in his butt
despite the fact that Joey totally didn’t have poop in his butt!
Because Joey was ocd about shit like this!
(he needed his action figures to be facing in specific ways
and he needed his ass to be clean, so)
Unless he was at the time pooping
you can almost goddamn bet the ant farm
his butt was 100% poopless!
“Google it, asshole!” Joey quiet-screamed
“My ass has been electronically documented.
My ass has white fringe dangling on the outside.
I’m in the literature.
Look it up.”
but instead of looking it up Ross sat at his desk
screaming “Cockpit procedure!”
and hounding Phoebe over and over again
with the story about how
when they’d first met he’d thought she was a ‘bitch’
because she had ‘bitch face’
even though Phoebe didn’t have bitch face
she’d just recently had a stroke
Ross called her ‘Mork’ because of the way
she looked back in the days
when she’d been a baby
“Jesus, this is brutal.” thought the recently crotchless
woman who was at this time right now watching this
whole goddamn thing and eating strawberry Starbursts
on the couch
“Where the fuck’s Chandler? There’s been no goddamn
Chandler in any of this? Somebody’s gotta take this Ross guy
but Chandler wasn’t in this particular episode
because previously on this show that is not Friends
Chandler’s wife at the time had decided she wanted to play a game
that I guess you’d have to call “What Celebrity Do You Think Shares The Exact Same Personality As Me And That I’m Most Like As A Person”
It’s a stupid name, yes
and a stupid game
but Chandler was an idiot and said he’d play
and when she told him he reminded him of Chandler
Chandler was like, wait? That’s me? Am I famous?
and then he freaked out and panicked and because they’d just watched
Fools Rush In, and Chandler had totally been in that
he figured it’d be a good idea to tell her she was probably most like
Selma Hayek (because also he loved Selma Hayek)
and holy shit was that the wrong goddamn thing to say right now!
because Selma Hayek completely freaked out!
and later that afternoon Chandler was kicked out of her life
and this particular episode of this show the crotchless lady
who was beginning to wish was still crotchless was sorta watching
but not really watching now
So while Chandler was off in rehab
Ross continued to torment his coworkers
with his smooth as hell put-downs
and dark sitcom compordium last minute attempts to remain lovable:
“Hey Menorah (he sometimes called Phoebe ‘Menorah’ but always
in a derogatory way). I’m sorry you were just stroke faced.
I didn’t know you were stroke faced, ok?
(crotchless was once again crotchless at this point
and had many lines ago stopped watching
so who knows if any of this is still going on)
You’re not a bitch.