While Watching: Knock Knock

15 Dec

keanu grave

 

While Watching: Knock Knock

 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Not Keanu Reeves bangs!

Why’s that?

 

SPOILER ALERT!

 

Because Keanu opened the door like a dumbass and let

a couple of wet girls into his house when his wife and kids

weren’t home and they repaid his kindness of extra bathrobes

and towels by tying him to his collection of crappy Kiss albums

and cutting all his bangs off

while Keanu just sat there acting like he was acting

and screaming stuff like “My bangs! Oh no! Not my bangs!”

Shit!

 

but they bangs’d him anyway

while their bras seduced a lone sock in the drier

they bangs’d the 3D printed shit out of him

 

and as if that wasn’t

I don’t know

enough?

 

these ladies played a bunch of other mean pranks on him

like: they cooked a sloppy breakfast and drew dicks on his asshole

and they pretended to be underage after he’d overage banged them

and forced him to listen to his own record collection

until he screamed “Stop you crazy cunts

you’re permanently damaging my eardrums!”

“AHHHHHHHHH!”

 

Historical Note: Keanu Reaves screams ‘AHH!’ in this movie

like most people yawn while watching

a Keanu Reaves movie

 

He’s 51 in real life

and 43 in Knock Knock

and won’t stop going on about the fact

that he used to be a DJ when he was in his 20’s

 

which means he spun a lot of Foghat albums

at a couple of house parties in 1988

“Please don’t stab me in my surgery scar again!”

the crowds screamed at the nonsense

which was everything, because everything’s made

out of nonsense

 

So you almost went on tour once?

‘Monster’ fuck that

Love doesn’t give a shit about ‘almost’

What was your fucking stage name back then Keanu?

DJ Surgery Scar?

DJ Bang(s)Me

DJ Don’tWannaGoDeafYouSexyFucks?

 

Hard saying

 

in Knock Knock Keanu Reeves is playing with Love

so there’s no fucking way he was meant to win because

with Love, the bowl cut is almost-exclusively inevitable

 

She played their music real loud

until they weren’t playing anymore

and then there was just silence and busted ceramics

 

and then Love went deaf without her

and her thongs

which were probably dry by now

 

“I want to go #1 in your butt.” Keanu’s sock

said to the two bras but the bras didn’t have butts

and socks can’t pee

 

 

 

and around this time these chicks

were through with him

the rice had fixed their Iphones

and none of Keanu’s friends

liked him on Facebook

anymore

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