Multiverse Johnson Presents: Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me

22 Aug

baio

Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me,

by Multiverse Johnson

 

They say Donald Trump

is a fear mongering triceratops

with the I.Q. of a constipated lawn dart

 

which if true would solve the mystery

around whether or not dinosaurs

and lawn darts

can coexist

 

They say he once sued his own penis

for defamation of character

His penis counter-sued for nonconsensual cupping

 

The whole thing was eventually just thrown the hell

out of court and, until this exact goddamn moment,

was never spoken of again

 

They say Trump eats his unpaid debts

with a fork shaped like his own ass

an atonally staggered, deeply cracked

three pronged looking ass and that the gaps in his understanding

of foreign policy would kill Evel Knievel all over again

if he tried to jump over them on a dare-devil-ly reinforced

type of bike

 

They say that Donald Trump is so racist

he makes this guy in Walmart who was

saying some really horrible things about

Venezuelans look like this other guy in Target

who was saying something slightly offensive

but still sorta funny about this one lady who was

waiting in line at the miniature Starbucks and just happened

to look like Cagney and Lacey’s mom

 

What am I, looking for dirt?

You think I wanna know these things about this guy?

I want to play No Man’s Sky and quote Herzog

I want to spend time with my kids

But what am I supposed to do?

They tell me stuff

People tell me stuff

 

People tell me this all the time

They come up to me and they say, Mr. Johnson,

are you Multiverse Johnson? and I’m always like

yes child, how can I help? And then they lay into it, like

did you know Donald Trump was originally cast

to play the heroin enema Ewan McGregor

jams up his ass in Trainspotting

before shitting it out along with half of Scotland?

 

in the end he lost the part to Scott Baio

who apparently just nailed it from the get-go

without even reading the script

 

p.s.

 

I’ve heard Trump’s penis is so small

it makes his hands look like 2 Dobermans pinchers

fighting over a cornflake

 

p.p.s

 

This isn’t just me making things up here

this is just me applying Trumps own method

of fact checking against him, repeating

 

what people could say theoretically as facts

so,

you know

 

it’s probably true

 

(historical note: Multiverse Johnson used to write brochures for The Burnt Toast readings sponsored by Illiterate Magazine and Baobob Tree Press. In 2009 he put down his brochure writing pen and disappeared into the jungles of Louisville and was never heard from again. Until now.)  

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