Sex, It’s Like
riding a bicyc-
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Archive | September, 2016
William Wallace and Edward Cullen Walk Into A Vampire Bar
21 Sep
William Wallace and Edward Cullen Walk Into A Vampire Bar
for Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Edward: You look nervous.
Braveheart: I’m not wearing underpants.
Edward, not really listening because he’s thinking about Bella:
You’ll be fine.
Power Thru
18 Sep
‘Power Thru’
Human robots at the 7-11 pimping
Prime Rib Flavored potato chips
In an election year
Whose mouth is full of dead beef
And between chokes
During the moments in which the gag reflex
Temporarily climbs its way
To the front line in the poles
Everything is said
And everything is contradicting
And the truth is kicked
Until unconscious
By a mobile unit
In charge of transporting white supremacist
Courting orange hair
Towards an earthworm scented army
Beneath a sun that sweats weathered anal beads
And horse glue
Ergo:
Another brand new day
Where it’s too early for anything
Especially interacting
With all these things that insist upon bouncing about
Pretending to be people
When all I want to do is pay for this diet Big Gulp
And swim back to the car
Because I’ve got a broken heart
And a xanex hangover
The size Donald Trump insists
His hands to be and not the actual size
That they are
And there’s a woman standing in the line beside me
Who’s talking in a stage voice
That’s being sued for divorce by the stage
And she’s going on about ‘kitty litter’
As if it’s the answer to everything
As if kitty litter’s gonna save us all
Giving advice to who goddamn knows
She was addressing her imagined Ted Talk towards her phone
The other end could’ve been empty
Or not empty, but for the sake of not giving up
On everything completely right now
Let’s assume the positive
She was talking to a friend who was fond of her
And not a dead phone that never gave a shit
But the thing is, I was only 15 minutes post exiting base camp
And already exhausted by people
But the kitty litter lady was interesting
So I decided to stick it out like I don’t always decide
To stick it out and instead of fleeing back to my futon
I remained in line listening to the kitty litter lady
Make her case for the miracle that is kitty litter
She said things like:
Put kitty litter in an empty paint bucket
If you want to prevent spiders from turning your backyard garden
Into 8 leg each multi-partner orgy sex motels
Your garage window is broken?
Put kitty litter on it.
Problem solved
You hurt your back?
Have you not been listening?
Kitty litter!
It’s a gift from an Ancient Aliens episode
That hasn’t even happened yet!
Believe it!
Kitty litter also prevents wrinkles
But the application process isn’t pretty
And:
If a child’s goldfish dies, bury it in kitty litter
Then sell the tank when the kids not looking
Because as great as kitty litter might be
It can’t make
Dead fish walk beneath water
Or the one who’s willingly left you
Come back
When they don’t want too
So: what else is going on?
My Donald In Your Putin
15 Sep
My Donald In Your Putin
Mayakovsky poem as-if mistranslated from the Russian
by a love-struck Donald Trump
What can I say
You’re a strong man
And when a strong man says
Nice things to me
It’s only reasonable to say
Nice things to the strong man
Back, I mean just look at you!
I can tell you
After one glance at you
If bears wore shirts
They would stop wearing shirts
And start walking around topless
Like I suppose they already do
With their great bear nipples exposed
And maybe if somebody had a camera
They’d get their pictures taken while riding a horse
Or something like that
Because as far as my management style goes:
Bear. Can. Ride. Horse
Believe me,
Those shirtless bears
Would vote shirtless
Because they love it
And also
So they could pretend
To be like you
Because I will say this, sir
You: are spectacular
And I’m not just quoting my own mirror again
I’m being honest here
I find you so impressive
I would have my current wife deported
For 5 minutes alone with you
In my pool room
(Historic note: the pool room contained neither
Swimming pool nor pool table, only a pool shaped sink
That had been placed where sinks are generally placed
In the bathroom and utilized for the purpose of mutual
Shoulder scratching and other pre-insertion endured rituals
In the tower of President Trump),
Crashhhhh#*prettybowinit#@getmeoutofhere64
Are those your real arms or did
My tax returns grow fingers
And insist on touching you
Until this audit is over?
I mean: Wow!
For another 10 minutes with you
After the 5 minutes that we’ll have already
Negotiated,
Those 5 minutes during which I’d do stuff to you
I’d have my second wife castrated
Inter-regardless of the fact that when I was doing her
You can believe me because I’m waiving my finger
While typing this down for you,
When I was doing her……………..
When I was doing her,
She didn’t have nuts
But, for you
I would have actual balls surgically attached to
Her general area and then I’d have them
Dramatically removed as if she’d owned those
Things for her entire life
And was so sad to see them go
So sad
It’s horrible, what these Democrats do to people
Such things shouldn’t happen
Am I right here? What a shame
My point being I would do this for you,
Even though she’s a very nice person, my middle wife, and
This thing, the castration,
I find the whole thing unsettling
It would emotionally effect me
For a few nights, no
Let’s be honestly here
I only want to be honest with you
So let’s call it damn near half the week
And still
I’d do that for you
Despite the fact that you never asked me too
And after it’s done
I might not feel exactly like myself for
Almost a week
But that’s ok, I mean
A week’s not all that bad
For a man of my age and enormous
Hand size so you’d be smart to pour us
Another shot of vodka
Because we’re both incredibly popular
And I’ve still got another ex-wife
To sacrifice to the Big And Tall Glove Store
Of our late fall Olivia Newton John Travolta
Macramé’d love
I, [insert my name here along with your penis]
Pledge allegiance to the fact that
For the honor of placing my Trump
In your Putin
For the up to/yet not exceeding the duration it takes
For our enemies to watch
An entire episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm
I would have my first wife murdered
Flat out
Stop talking about it
She’s gone
My Donald in your Putin
Are we doin’ this or ain’t we?
Check the yes box for yes
And let’s not dwell on the rest
My Trump in your Putin
After which we listen to Another Day In Paradise
Instead of smoking cigarettes
And we read the paper
Mostly the brightly colored advertisements
And pretty quick I become outraged because
What is this malnourished cardboard expecting here?!
They’re gonna give me an extra 15% off if I buy
the goddamn thing in the store? Fuck that, etc.
I don’t go to Bed Bath and Beyond!
Bed Bath and Beyond comes to me!
