Archive | September, 2016

Tonight’s Haiku: Sex, It’s Like

24 Sep

sad-brad-pitt

 

Sex, It’s Like

 

riding a bicyc-

le or trying to unlock

your car in the dark

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William Wallace and Edward Cullen Walk Into A Vampire Bar

21 Sep

edward-post-fucking-bella

 

William Wallace and Edward Cullen Walk Into A Vampire Bar

for Mr. and Mrs. Smith

 

Edward: You look nervous.

Braveheart: I’m not wearing underpants.

Edward, not really listening because he’s thinking about Bella:

 

You’ll be fine.

 

braveheart

Power Thru

18 Sep

buf

 

‘Power Thru’

 

Human robots at the 7-11 pimping

Prime Rib Flavored potato chips

In an election year

Whose mouth is full of dead beef

And between chokes

During the moments in which the gag reflex

Temporarily climbs its way

To the front line in the poles

Everything is said

And everything is contradicting

And the truth is kicked

Until unconscious

By a mobile unit

In charge of transporting white supremacist

Courting orange hair

Towards an earthworm scented army

Beneath a sun that sweats weathered anal beads

And horse glue

Ergo:

Another brand new day

Where it’s too early for anything

Especially interacting

With all these things that insist upon bouncing about

Pretending to be people

When all I want to do is pay for this diet Big Gulp

And swim back to the car

Because I’ve got a broken heart

And a xanex hangover

The size Donald Trump insists

His hands to be and not the actual size

That they are

And there’s a woman standing in the line beside me

Who’s talking in a stage voice

That’s being sued for divorce by the stage

And she’s going on about ‘kitty litter’

As if it’s the answer to everything

As if kitty litter’s gonna save us all

Giving advice to who goddamn knows

She was addressing her imagined Ted Talk towards her phone

The other end could’ve been empty

Or not empty, but for the sake of not giving up

On everything completely right now

Let’s assume the positive

She was talking to a friend who was fond of her

And not a dead phone that never gave a shit

But the thing is, I was only 15 minutes post exiting base camp

And already exhausted by people

But the kitty litter lady was interesting

So I decided to stick it out like I don’t always decide

To stick it out and instead of fleeing back to my futon

I remained in line listening to the kitty litter lady

Make her case for the miracle that is kitty litter

She said things like:

Put kitty litter in an empty paint bucket

If you want to prevent spiders from turning your backyard garden

Into 8 leg each multi-partner orgy sex motels

Your garage window is broken?

Put kitty litter on it.

Problem solved

You hurt your back?

Have you not been listening?

Kitty litter!

It’s a gift from an Ancient Aliens episode

That hasn’t even happened yet!

Believe it!

Kitty litter also prevents wrinkles

But the application process isn’t pretty

And:

If a child’s goldfish dies, bury it in kitty litter

Then sell the tank when the kids not looking

Because as great as kitty litter might be

It can’t make

Dead fish walk beneath water

Or the one who’s willingly left you

Come back

When they don’t want too

So: what else is going on?

 

My Donald In Your Putin

15 Sep

donald-trump-kissing-vladimir-putin-127247

 

My Donald In Your Putin

 

Mayakovsky poem as-if mistranslated from the Russian

by a love-struck Donald Trump

 

What can I say

You’re a strong man

And when a strong man says

Nice things to me

It’s only reasonable to say

Nice things to the strong man

Back, I mean just look at you!

 

I can tell you

After one glance at you

If bears wore shirts

They would stop wearing shirts

And start walking around topless

Like I suppose they already do

With their great bear nipples exposed

 

And maybe if somebody had a camera

They’d get their pictures taken while riding a horse

Or something like that

Because as far as my management style goes:

 

Bear. Can. Ride. Horse

 

Believe me,

Those shirtless bears

Would vote shirtless

Because they love it

 

And also

So they could pretend

To be like you

 

Because I will say this, sir

You: are spectacular

And I’m not just quoting my own mirror again

I’m being honest here

 

I find you so impressive

I would have my current wife deported

For 5 minutes alone with you

In my pool room

 

(Historic note: the pool room contained neither

Swimming pool nor pool table, only a pool shaped sink

That had been placed where sinks are generally placed

In the bathroom and utilized for the purpose of mutual

Shoulder scratching and other pre-insertion endured rituals

In the tower of President Trump),

 

Crashhhhh#*prettybowinit#@getmeoutofhere64

 

Are those your real arms or did

My tax returns grow fingers

And insist on touching you

Until this audit is over?

 

I mean: Wow!

 

For another 10 minutes with you

After the 5 minutes that we’ll have already

Negotiated,

Those 5 minutes during which I’d do stuff to you

I’d have my second wife castrated

Inter-regardless of the fact that when I was doing her

You can believe me because I’m waiving my finger

While typing this down for you,

When I was doing her……………..

When I was doing her,

She didn’t have nuts

 

But, for you

I would have actual balls surgically attached to

Her general area and then I’d have them

Dramatically removed as if she’d owned those

Things for her entire life

And was so sad to see them go

 

So sad

 

It’s horrible, what these Democrats do to people

Such things shouldn’t happen

Am I right here? What a shame

 

My point being I would do this for you,

Even though she’s a very nice person, my middle wife, and

This thing, the castration,

I find the whole thing unsettling

It would emotionally effect me

For a few nights, no

Let’s be honestly here

I only want to be honest with you

So let’s call it damn near half the week

And still

 

I’d do that for you

Despite the fact that you never asked me too

And after it’s done

I might not feel exactly like myself for

Almost a week

 

But that’s ok, I mean

A week’s not all that bad

For a man of my age and enormous

Hand size so you’d be smart to pour us

Another shot of vodka

Because we’re both incredibly popular

And I’ve still got another ex-wife

To sacrifice to the Big And Tall Glove Store

Of our late fall Olivia Newton John Travolta

Macramé’d love

 

I, [insert my name here along with your penis]

Pledge allegiance to the fact that

For the honor of placing my Trump

In your Putin

For the up to/yet not exceeding the duration it takes

For our enemies to watch

An entire episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm

I would have my first wife murdered

 

Flat out

Stop talking about it

She’s gone

 

My Donald in your Putin

Are we doin’ this or ain’t we?

Check the yes box for yes

And let’s not dwell on the rest

 

My Trump in your Putin

 

After which we listen to Another Day In Paradise

Instead of smoking cigarettes

 

And we read the paper

Mostly the brightly colored advertisements

And pretty quick I become outraged because

 

What is this malnourished cardboard expecting here?!

 

They’re gonna give me an extra 15% off if I buy

the goddamn thing in the store? Fuck that, etc.

 

I don’t go to Bed Bath and Beyond!

Bed Bath and Beyond comes to me!