Archive | October, 2016

Notes On The Ejaculation Patterns Of The Domesticated Yeti

27 Oct


Notes On The Ejaculation Patterns Of The Domesticated Yeti




If you believe the things said by a Yeti

Yetis can only cum once/one time

per day/over the course of an orderly 24 hours


which sounds like Trump facts/entirely made up

that’s like a 4 legged spider trying to convince the world

that all spiders are half-legged or a scorpion trying to pass

itself off as Brad Pitt


it’s safe to say one should not trust a Yeti

because they seem to believe all sorts of crazy shit

like grooming is for suckers

and their moms get to meet everybody flagrantly

and grown men who are pretty damn charming

most likely dress like Beatniks

in cliché turtlenecks and berets


the Yeti insists that it can only cum once!

to which common sense and science screams: Fuck that!

a domesticated Yeti, maybe

one who lives in a parent subsidized house cave

not trimming his outer ear beards

and butchering the English language

in an attempt to sound impressive

when all the fuck he had to say was



that one cum thing may be true of the domesticated Yeti

but non-domesticated Yetis

the ones who live in the wild

I hear they cum all the time!

when they wake up

while brushing their teeth

while watching New Girl

each time they catch a mountain squirrel

or a trout


the un-domesticated Yeti can cum upwards of 23 times

throughout the course of a 24 hour day


the domesticated Yeti appears unable to relate to all that

the domesticated Yeti doesn’t hunt for its food,

subsisting on previously prepared Irish cuisine,

freezer burned tacos, and gently used urinal cakes


the domesticated Yeti has evolved itself

into a gargled and insecure beast

who can only cum once per earthly rotation

and feels the need to verbally criticize

that which is obviously perfect in an attempt

to show its own ego who’s boss


the domesticated Yeti shits awkwardly long words

from its mouth like a pampered thesaurus made out of diarrhea

and the butts of cigarettes


the domesticated Yeti votes for Gary Johnson

indisposed of the fact that Gary Johnson is ridiculous

and even the non-domesticated Yeti have united behind

the universal understanding that nature and the vast cities

which cup the balls of nature must put aside their various grievances

in a cohesive effort to defeat Trump


because it’s important to fight for what’s important

the domesticated Yeti doesn’t get that

the domesticated Yeti pontificates upon bullshit while letting

the good things get away

the domesticated Yeti lacks the sexually recuperative properties

which all other sentient life on this planet either cherish

or take for granted

the domesticated Yeti is such a dick


“I didn’t know you knew so much about Yetis” Rain-a told Marles


“Yeah. When I’m not thinking about being inside you, I think of

other stuff like Yetis and dress shoes…..”


Rain-a laughed and looked out the window. “How many times

do you think we can fuck before it gets dark?” she asked Marles


“More times than a domesticated Yeti, I promise you that.” Marles said

before utilizing his spoon to scoop the last bits of potato chicken chili

off his plate.


Rain-a laughed again while pushing

her own plate off the table. “Let’s get to it, then!”


So they did


I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game Of Thrones And Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It

18 Oct



I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It


Because, fuck him


He’s got a scathingly high percentage of people

Hopped up on false laxatives and embryonic fear

And they’re chasing it with a mix of draconian prejudices

Garnished with a 3 inch stalk of celery that hates women

Or a radicalized handful of Skittles because


Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!



And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel


The thought process involved with this army

Of Donald Trump supporters

Is Driving me mad too


Paraphrasing Deadwood:


In a country in which the presidential nominee can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..


Or paraphrasing Melania: The Billy Bush made him do it!


Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Trump

(In order of most responsible)


Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!


And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:



Tonight I’m too tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!


My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins


So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too


I’ve got a house full of action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their pussies grabbed (is that how you spell the plural of pussy?)

Simply because they’re within tiny handed reach


My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat


Because: This space is a diverse space


Right winged action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Dothraki, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon


Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better


Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic


His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable


His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude


Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”


Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for weeks now

Screaming “I’ve found a signal that verifies

If Trump’s elected President he’ll fire the current

National Anthem and hire DJ Juicy Bread to write a new one!

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”


And seriously, I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes……

No wait, sorry, wrong story

I mean where Trump would be where the fuck he is

With a serious shot at being President

I never thought we’d get to that point


But it has been gotten to

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it


Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight you can call me DJ Inconsolable


And I’m not the only one


Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “I thought I’d warned you”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile


That it’s last name is Doo

A Bottle Of Mustard

6 Oct



A Bottle Of Mustard


It sounds weird doesn’t it?

We both agreed

It sounds weird


Like a trombone of toothpaste

Or a birdhouse of gin


People don’t say it that way

Despite the fact that mustard packers

Have been packing mustard in bottles

For a (completely made up number) of years


So many years that it makes time

Look like a vibrator murdered in frosting……..


A battalion of soy sauce

A suitcase of mayonnaise

A quiet syringe of pumpkins


You don’t really hear people

Refer to mustard that way

We both agreed on this

We’d never heard anybody say something like:


Please pass the bottle of mustard, Angelita? or

Brad, did you remember to pick up

That bottle of mustard you said you’d pick up

At the Assorted Condiments store?


[Historical note: the answer to one of these things

Was ‘no’, hence their sequel quickly re-titled:

Mr. and Mrs. Divorce]


(I can’t believe you forgot the goddamn bottle of mustard

Again, goddamn it! What am I supposed to feed the kids!?

You dick!


Some of us have a hard time letting things go)


A guillotine of salami

A tube of your beauty

A filing cabinet of laughter alphabetized by fun


“I can’t believe you ate an entire bottle of mustard, Brad?”


People don’t talk that way, do they?

We didn’t think they did

(Where’d our parking lot go?)

We were almost sure of it


A hash pipe of pasticcios

(Is that really how you’re supposed to spell ‘pasticcios’?)

A Sheryl Crow of toilet paper

A full moon of Emily Blunt


A packet of mustard? That made sense to us

A jar of mustard sounding like plane ol’ common sense

But a bottle of mustard, nope


That just sounded wrong to us

Like a cornucopia of relish

Or President Trump




These are some of the many things we talked about

Before looking for our parking lot after

The Rob Thomas/Counting Crows Red Rocks show


[Historical note: Turns out the reason it took us

A couple of hours to get in the car was because

Our parking lot had slipped off on the tour bus

With the bass player from one of the bands,

Returning somewhat eventually with a 2016

Tour t-shirt and a bruised clit)




No raincoats were harmed in the writing of this poem


(A candelabra of potato salad

A nalgene of celery

A salt water aquarium of love)