Archive | November, 2016


18 Nov




Missing her was like

Fast food Shakespeare

He got lost in her drive thru

While she ate burgers beside a lake


I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)

16 Nov


I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)


Because, fuck him

with his Confederate flag embracing

Putin loving



his shitty fucking children

and his goddamn wall


What the fuck are you doing America?!

Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!


And everything’s wasted

And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel

The thought process involved with this orangish Fuhrer

and his army

Of Trump loving supporters

Is driving me mad too


Paraphrasing Deadwood:

In a country in which the president elect can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..


Or paraphrasing Melania: (because according to her everything

Donald does that’s all encompassingly horrible

isn’t his fault) The Billy Bush made him do it!


Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Assholes

(In order of those most responsible)

Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!

And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:


When a Republican wins the election Democrats stock up

on birth control and when a Democrat wins the election

Republicans stock up on guns


and it’s too much madness right now


Tonight I’m tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!


My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins


So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too


I’ve got a house full of broken hearted action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their lady-bits grabbed

Simply because they’re within stubby handed reach

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat


Because: This space is a diverse space

In this space we love stuff

even though that stuff almost never loves us back


Conservative action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon


Trump wants top level security clearance

for his horrible


hair gel’d kids


Trump just appointed a white supremacist

to be his Godfather Robert Duval

Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better


Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic

His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable

His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude


Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”


Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for a week now since the election

Screaming I found a signal dammit, why weren’t you listening?!

They were using our own satellites

against us again and all that

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”


But it is done. It’s fucking done.

And seriously, I knew it could probably happen

but I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes and……

No wait, sorry, wrong story


Helen,     I mean Donald




I mean I never thought we’d get to the point

where you’d be where the fuck your are

President of an entire country

I never thought we’d get here

But here has been gotten to


And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it


Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight I am DJ Inconsolable

And I’m not the only one


Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “Didn’t I warn you?”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile the un-reality

of the rise to power of a reality TV douchbag with the fact

That it’s last name is Doo

Until The Poles Close

8 Nov


Until The Poles Close


You will be where you are, with someone else

Breathing like a landslide

Talking shit about the veranda

Drinking leftover Daylight Savings Time beside the pool


And I’ll be sitting on a futon in my living room

With the Gwyneth Left Me Coldplay album and

24 hour Cable News channels 2-waying it in the background,


My heart rehearsing tornado drills

While the wind laughs its ass off because

The wind is a fascist orange ass-punch and


Everything can easily all go to hell way too fast

Ivory And Ivory

4 Nov



Ivory And Ivory


(11/4/16, 4 days before the election)


Donald [fucking] Trump

The ‘t’ is silent


Like a pterodactyl audibly abandoning its own ‘p’

(Extinction curtails the immediate production of urine)

Or how the word ‘Ebony’ isn’t allowed to rent an apartment


In Donald Trump’s version of that tune, which in his new

America tops the charts after being re-titled:

Ivory And Ivory

And performed by however many Darryl brothers

From Newhart we’ve got left


It’s a big hit with that one dick who was driving bad-sitcom slow

This morning in the fast lane and all the Alt-Right kids

The goddamn thing has even inspired a dance craze

856 people have been injured so far for their refusal

To participate, it’s fucking terrible, at some point


The dance involves everyone doing a Human Centipede

Version of The Worm around an organized bonfire

In which they only burn Hillary Clinton bobble-heads

And It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown DVDs



All the goddamn all of it!

I can’t believe people are falling in line

For this guy’s hate sweat/ABC’s of large crowd manipulation executed



Come on!

I mean!

You just know!



In a warm-Caucasian-scented suite 4 miles outside

The end of the goddamn world

Trump’s standing around with his pants down

Looking like a bloated vulture face-shitting into a mirror




Does my dick look pregnant?!

When I turn it like this, this way here?!

I think it looks pregnant!


Rudi Giuliani nodding ‘Yes’

With Melania in the background, speaking


Donald, I want a divorce

And Donald hearing it as

Donald I want a horse


Donald, responding

Sugar Junk, I bought you

18 horses already. I say, You need 18? and you say

you need 18 so I’ve already bought you 18 horses

I’ve given you so, so much

I’m a very very generous person

What more could you want


She tells him for the 19th time that she doesn’t love him

That she intends to spend the rest of her lifetime without him

And Donald smiles and says: You win!

Those tits and that vagina,

You’re a nuclear triad!

You want another horse?



I’ll call my horse guy in the morning

I’ll get you

The best horse around……’’