Fuck List

 

Fuck List

 

In the new Predator movie

Arnold reprises his role as Dutch

ex-special ops commando

 

He’s an old man at this point

many decades away from the 1980’s

sitting in the middle of his trailer park living room

 

(because time has been tough on us all)

 

He’s watching old reruns of Celebrity Bowling

on digital antenna TV and meticulously applying mud

to his own penis

 

A ritual he repeats

every 2 or 3 hours

 

Because he’s caution like that

and he’s heard gossip that after all these years

the Predators are still after him

and from personal experience he knows

 

Beneath mud

Is the only place

To hide

From the goddamn beasts

That insist on stalking us all

 

So give me some mud, goddamn it!

Because we’re all being stalked by something

 

Give it all to me, all of it

Give me all the mud

and I swear to fuck that I’ll share!

 

(Insert Coldplay falsetto here

a.k.a., but I digress)

 

When we last left Dutch,

he was rubbing mud on his dick

because the Predators were coming

 

Why is he only rubbing mud on his penis?

Maybe you’re asking yourself

Why isn’t he rubbing it all over himself

like he did in the first movie?

 

The answer is simple

Because in the first movie, Trump wasn’t president

and at this point in the new movie, Trump’s trade war

has inflated the price of everything

to the point that even mud is really expensive

 

Dutch can’t afford to hide his entire body in mud

so he rubs it on what he can afford to rub it on

Taking what comfort there is to be taken in such things

That when the Predators come knocking

at least they won’t find his penis

 

Speaking of not finding his penis

 

Since the theme of tonight’s Fbomb reading is ‘gossip’

I was hanging out at a museum a few months ago

with a woman. This woman is funny and she’s beautiful

and smart and all that stuff and she was in the middle

of ending a relationship with this Yeti of a human being

she’ d been dating

 

She told me this story about how she was alone in his bedroom

and next to the bed there was a table with a little drawer in it

so she opened the drawer and inside she found the following items:

 

1 cock ring

A large wad of cash

1 bottle of fancy lube

Several condoms

And a piece of paper that was titled

Fuck List

 

The guy had a fuck list

 

I’d never heard of this before

What’s a fuck list, I asked, sounding in retrospect

like a naïve dumbass

It was a list that he kept, of all the women

he’d ever slept with

 

Much like his penis, the list wasn’t very long

My friend said her name was on it, and maybe 4 or 5 others

People with names like:

 

Blonde waitress,

Joanie, and

Feliz from Craig’s List

 

Feliz from Craig’s List?!

 

Who keeps track of something like this?!

It seemed bizarre and incalculable

and I immediately became obsessed

with the mere name of it all

 

Fuck List

 

Does everybody have a fuck list?

Or just self centered Yeti’s

who treat human beings like

porta-potty receptacles?

instead of ruler of the goddamn galaxy

as she most certainly deserves to be

 

I don’t have a fuck list

I told my friend, and if I did

the only things that would be on it these days

would be sad drawings of cobwebs

and the opening notes to a Beethoven Sonata

 

or my right hand

and my right hand

and my right hand

 

Fuck List!

It’s a terrible thing

But it’s also really fun to say

 

And also once you know what it is

it’s almost impossible to stop yourself

from digging down deep into the pre-cum of the sub-conscious

and tossing together a mental Fuck List in your head

 

Back in my younger days, between heartbreaks

I could’ve put a pretty weird list together

what with all the bars I used to hang out in

and living right next to Naropa

 

Girl who T.A’d for Allen Ginsberg

Girl who had recently interviewed Lawrence Ferlingetti

Girl who may or may not have been Jewel

 

Anyway,

 

The Predators never found

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dick

They just eviscerated the rest of him

 

And the jackass Yeti

who had his own fuck list?

I don’t know,

 

fuck him

 

written for last night’s FBomb reading, Denver CO

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