The Six Million Dollar Man’s Bulge (2018)

The Six Million Dollar Man’s Bulge (2018)

dedicated to The Bionic Woman, The Six Million Dollar Man and Vladimir Mayakovsky

 

today I saw the whole world bleeding real jobs

and

today I saw a giraffe penis

fully staffed

 

I saw both things

for the first time

side by side

thumb-wrestling

………infinity

sweating wet serum

cracking safes

in dried blood

 

today,

 

more people were killed by wheelbarrows

then killed by Madonna

 

but that’s only because

wheelbarrows never sleep

and Madonna didn’t get out of bed

until noon

 

eyebrow to eyebrow

 

we are the generation

that walks around with

black eyes

while pretending

like champs

that we dodged

the punch

 

the only things that scares us more

than eating shit pies at 12:30

is the goddamn thought

of skipping lunch

 

we are an eyebrow

stalked by an eyebrow

 

we are the facial hair

in denial of the face

 

pudding

it’s a goddamn crazy

invention

 

like getting stuck in

a traffic jam caused

by a baseball game

 

or breathing

 

or love

 

Our sky is a pair of 1970’s underpants

And the sun has been replaced by

The Six Million Dollar Man’s bulge

 

red jumpsuits

combined with the fact

that we’ve all just crawled

out of tequila

 

can cause our collected junk

to look like Bigfoot

 

it can cause our collected junk

to perform feats of pure bravery

which are ignored by the general public

 

because these feats are blurry

and performed while hidden

deep inside your woods

 

and just because these feats

may not get a pat on the back

from whoever the fuck’s been

put in charge of back patting these days

 

that doesn’t mean they’re not feats

cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, Darling!

they’re still feats!

 

feats which leave footprints!

 

noble footprints of love!

 

there’ve been plenty of songs

written about this

(see: Chris Martin’s ‘Gwyneth left me’ album)

 

buildings have been built

to such things

(see: the Empire State)

 

rings exchanged

(see: Gollum or Samora)

monuments erected

(see: Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers)

 

but that doesn’t change

the fact that that one night

while we slept,

your face

against mine

 

the fascists were un-quietly taking over again

while their goddamn corporations

casually at work

assimilated everything shaped

like a building

 

buying up

all the monuments like they were

the goddamn sky

purchasing clouds

 

threatening all the stations with arterial violence

in order to ensure that none of the great love songs

get played on the radio anymore

 

maybe money can’t buy happiness

but it sure as fuck can buy

red jumpsuits

& yr own sound effects

 

it sure as fuck can buy governments

and erase science

 

it sure as fuck can turn the world

into an empty drink cart

 

and any hope we have

of treading tequila

into wet booze-tread-gulping

sharks

 

the odds are a closed taco store

that only random mood rings

make it to shore

 

but as long as we’re here,

 

do you want to talk about The Bionic Woman

with me?

because I want to talk about The Bionic Woman

with you

 

There’s that episode, with Bigfoot

or the one where she’s teaching 6th grade

and one of her students brings an un-caged lion

to class for show and tell

or the one where she uses her bionic powers

to make hamburgers real fast

 

or those classic Six Million Dollar Man crossovers

where they fall in love, and then Jaime Sommers loses

her memory, and Steve Austen has to stand around

watching as she falls for her new doctor because everything’s broken

 

and she can’t remember that time they went skydiving

or rode slow motion horses together

or made sweet bionic love in a big collar’d 1970’s pad

 

The breaking point comes when the doctors tell Steve Austin

that it would be dangerous if The Bionic Woman remembered everything

because the process of remembering would drive her insane

and then one day while talking to Steve Austin she starts to remember!

and her head breaks like a horribly timed commercial interruption

 

as she screams at the bottom of a thunderstorm

and The Six Million Dollar Man realizes that he’s the source

of her impending madness, that his just being around her

is the cause for the dangerous return of her memories

 

so he yells at Oscar until they reassign him

some place far away from everything he’ll ever live for,

sacrificing their true love for her mental health and wellbeing,

and after that happens, The Bionic Woman’s headaches

quickly subside, she dumps the doctor she’s been fooling

around with and gets her own tv show

 

the same show that I’d like to talk about with you

because the world is a maniacal projector

behind which our hearts break at 60 frames per second

 

and my bunker’s not fool proof

there’s no refuge in home theater

 

In here, even the simple things

like trying to cook a Red Barron pizza

without you is like watching

 

the car crash that killed Camus

 

 

updated and expanded for last months FBomb reading

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