Goddamn It, or Things I Learned While Watching Movies On The Hallmark Channel

Goddamn It, or Things I Learned While Watching Movies On The Hallmark Channel 

(specifically: Love Locks, Autumn Stables,The Irresistible Blueberry Farm, and Pumpkin Pie Wars) 

Another day in the pandemic 

The Right goes insane following the anal leakage of a gullible madman while The Left fills up on its own dynamite and eats itself alive 

I have little faith in the human race as a sustainable species right now 

My second hand stress levels have challenged my first hand stress levels to a cage fight 

The referee is a cauterized gazebo and they’ve weaponized all the goddamn folding chairs to the point that nothing is fair 

Goddamn it, what are we supposed to do now? Tonight the answer I go with is: I might as well watch the fucking Hallmark Channel 

And what did I learn? 

The movies tend to involve 2 people who’ve lost the ones they loved say around, a decade ago or so. They meet again all this time later and avoid talking about their catastrophes until they eventually talk about their catastrophes and then because the women tend to always be attached to failing pastry cafe’s and the guys tend to be handymen or lost land developers, there’s a situation that will pop up, usually in the form of a small town baking contest, and the two former lovers realize that if they work together, they can potentially avert disaster for everyone, and in the process of this disaster diverting, they obviously realize they’re still in love. 

Go win a contest, shithead. And then maybe we’ll talk 

Half the protagonists in these Hallmark movies own their own businesses and end up being shitty business people 

because they business with their hearts. 

In Hallmark movies, catastrophe has a purpose, other than just being something completely horrible that just randomly happens for the sake of being shitty 

In Hallmark movies, the catastrophe always takes place off screen 

She died in vain It’s pronounced Spain Sorry, she died in Spain 

In Hallmark movies, catastrophe only exists in order to push 2 people towards announcing their love to each other out loud 

The women are always skinny and full of boob The men appear to be surgically infused with their favorite Bowflex And everyone really loves pie 

They ask the tough questions, like what came first, pumpkins or war? 

The metaphor is always obvious The thing which the metaphor is meant to stand in for, 

less so. 

When you’re watching something like The Irresistible Blueberry Farm, blueberries become a metaphor. If you’re watching Pumpkin Pie Wars, which is basically the same movie as Irresistible Blueberry but swaps out the blueberries for pumpkins, the pumpkins become the occupying metaphor. When watching Love Locks, the locks replace the pumpkins. In Autumn Stables, where it feels like every week is Apple Pie Week because it is, the locks are replaced with apples. 

The locks in Love Locks are a metaphor 

for blueberries, and the fact that nobody fucks 

in any of these goddamn movies, and love. 

Why’s he still trying? He already has a Ford?! 

In Autumn Stable, I shit you not, her name is Autumn It’s like watching Speed and it turns out Keanu Reeves’ name is Jason Speed The entire movie feels like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan 

There are blueberries in Autumn Stables too! 

Maybe the most comforting thing about watching Hallmark movies during a pandemic is that they always end well, which I find encouraging At least something’s out there ending well 

They never end: badly 

They never end with Scott Bao fucking Denise Richards and then he never calls her again 

And then there’s the part where there might be danger 

After sleeping all night in a barn:: 

My back hurts from sleeping on that hay bail 

she says to him But that wasn’t hay 

In a Hallmark movie, people either turn out to be bigger assholes than they initially appear, or they stay the same amount of asshole 

Do you have any Kool-Aid, 

or Tang? Do you have any Tang?! 

The heroine’s always have an almost-fiance who’s been pressuring them to get married and ends up barging into town, creating an awkward moment 

and when the hardware store you’re standing in is modeled after the hardware store in 50 Shades of Grey, hold on to the nearest nail gun and walk away 

Who makes a hotdog like that? 

Fate, when it’s making them look bad 

Clomping quietly in the shadows Trying like hell when the lights go out The crossbow vs. trigonometry 

Me, this week, every time a Hallmark movie is about to be over: 

What am I supposed to do with my life now? 

Hey, I know I can’t replace your dead husband, but I do have this dick…… 

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