4 Years Without Nickel

4 Years Without Nickel

January 8, 2021

It's not February again, yet
So it hasn't been 4 years ago, technically 
I'm writing this year's 'without you' poem early
Because I'm missing you this morning
And I wrote last year's 'without you' poem
in February, 2020

And we all know what happened after Feb 2020
(I'm sorry Nickel, you're dead now
                so you don't know)

March arrived looking as if it'd
Just rolled out of bed, still drinking
Carefully, so as not to scare the goddamn bat,
                 which was still sleeping

Tiptoed into the kitchen
Made a 32 oz Pina Colada
Turned on the TV
Watched half an episode of Mad About You
And during a commercial, flipped over to the news
Where a brand new plague was announcing its plans
For a multi-year worldwide tour

Nickel,

This plague has assembled one hell of a backing band
Heavy Breathing's got all the bass lines down
The American Government's Incompetent Response
                    playing rhythm guitar, but you can call him
                    TAGIR for short

DJ Hospitals on keyboards, performing at maximum capacity

An overabundance of maskless 
Conspiracy theory nuts dressed in matching
Walmart camo insisting that it's their goddamn 
Right as ignorant Americans to be backup singers
If they want to be backup singers

Trump, hopping around the stage like a young
Steven Tyler in his mins, in charge
Of lead vocals

Ms. Information and Mr. Social Media
Tag-teaming duties on lead guitar

Death plays the drums

Nickel, 

It's been a horrible album
Each track overplaying its own atrocities 
They called the damn thing 2020
And just when we reached the point where
We could maybe start conning 
Ourselves into believing that it could soon be over
                With the last notes of December's 
                Guts officially screamed out

Like an old David Coverdale sitting behind
A big desk laughing like somebody else's
Great Grandma hocking the same goddamn
Whitesnake songs

The Plague goes on Twitter to announce
Its decided to release a brand new album
A collection of the same shitty old songs
Remixed and remastered again
And they're calling this album:  2021

Nickel,

Until this afternoon, I'd totally forgot
That Bill Murray was in Tootsie
Dustin Hoffman movies tend to slip one's mind
When a brainwashed mob has recently pulled up
Their coup pants and smashed their way
Into the Capital

Nickel, 

I wish you were still around
To wait out this goddamn plague with me
You were adorable, a true anti-fascist
With your gentle nose bites
And reverse Hitler mustache

We could pass the plague hours
Batting around the bread ties
And making up our own fan fiction
                  Battle Stories in which The Assholes never win

Because I'm tired, Nickel
Of watching the assholes almost all of the time win

The Six Million Dollar Man vs. Covid!

The Bionic Woman vs. The Proud Boys!

The Planet of the Apes 
                    vs. Charlton Heston's Savage-ly Exposed Nipples!

Nicolas Cage's Ghostrider 
                     vs. Another Longly Night With My Own Dick!

Batman and Robin takes down 
                     The Court of Mitch McConnell's Jowls!

Mohammad Ali beats the shit out of Donald Trump Jr.
                      To the smooth sounds of The Miami Sound Machine!

Ivanka splashes an uncontrollable period
                                          All over Jared's Fancy Flakes
During an otherwise unremarkable breakfast!

The Period gets to be the hero in that one!

The Question Mark gets jealous!
The Exclamation Point gets drunk
                        On yesterday's gin!

The Kool-Aid Man busts through
Trump's plans to complete his wall
                         While sucking on an ice cube 
He's pulled off the top of his head

The Kool-Aid Lady becomes the new Thor!
Natalie Portman gets her own postage stamp!
Boba Fett tosses Rudy Giuliani's hard boiled ass
                           Into the Sarlacc Pit!

Mulder and Scully solve 
                       The Mystery of the Election That Wasn't Rigged!

The Least Insane won



 

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