Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Elections

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan

 

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

 

my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where

 

we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them

 

until the correct spellings came out

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I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game Of Thrones And Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It

18 Oct

the-wall-one

 

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It

 

Because, fuck him

 

He’s got a scathingly high percentage of people

Hopped up on false laxatives and embryonic fear

And they’re chasing it with a mix of draconian prejudices

Garnished with a 3 inch stalk of celery that hates women

Or a radicalized handful of Skittles because

 

Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!

 

 

And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel

 

The thought process involved with this army

Of Donald Trump supporters

Is Driving me mad too

 

Paraphrasing Deadwood:

 

In a country in which the presidential nominee can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..

 

Or paraphrasing Melania: The Billy Bush made him do it!

 

Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Trump

(In order of most responsible)

 

Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!

 

And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

Tonight I’m too tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!

 

My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins

 

So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too

 

I’ve got a house full of action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their pussies grabbed (is that how you spell the plural of pussy?)

Simply because they’re within tiny handed reach

 

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat

 

Because: This space is a diverse space

 

Right winged action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Dothraki, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

 

Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better

 

Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic

 

His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable

 

His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude

 

Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”

 

Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for weeks now

Screaming “I’ve found a signal that verifies

If Trump’s elected President he’ll fire the current

National Anthem and hire DJ Juicy Bread to write a new one!

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”

 

And seriously, I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes……

No wait, sorry, wrong story

I mean where Trump would be where the fuck he is

With a serious shot at being President

I never thought we’d get to that point

 

But it has been gotten to

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it

 

Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight you can call me DJ Inconsolable

 

And I’m not the only one

 

Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “I thought I’d warned you”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile

 

That it’s last name is Doo

Multiverse Johnson Presents: Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me

22 Aug

baio

Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me,

by Multiverse Johnson

 

They say Donald Trump

is a fear mongering triceratops

with the I.Q. of a constipated lawn dart

 

which if true would solve the mystery

around whether or not dinosaurs

and lawn darts

can coexist

 

They say he once sued his own penis

for defamation of character

His penis counter-sued for nonconsensual cupping

 

The whole thing was eventually just thrown the hell

out of court and, until this exact goddamn moment,

was never spoken of again

 

They say Trump eats his unpaid debts

with a fork shaped like his own ass

an atonally staggered, deeply cracked

three pronged looking ass and that the gaps in his understanding

of foreign policy would kill Evel Knievel all over again

if he tried to jump over them on a dare-devil-ly reinforced

type of bike

 

They say that Donald Trump is so racist

he makes this guy in Walmart who was

saying some really horrible things about

Venezuelans look like this other guy in Target

who was saying something slightly offensive

but still sorta funny about this one lady who was

waiting in line at the miniature Starbucks and just happened

to look like Cagney and Lacey’s mom

 

What am I, looking for dirt?

You think I wanna know these things about this guy?

I want to play No Man’s Sky and quote Herzog

I want to spend time with my kids

But what am I supposed to do?

They tell me stuff

People tell me stuff

 

People tell me this all the time

They come up to me and they say, Mr. Johnson,

are you Multiverse Johnson? and I’m always like

yes child, how can I help? And then they lay into it, like

did you know Donald Trump was originally cast

to play the heroin enema Ewan McGregor

jams up his ass in Trainspotting

before shitting it out along with half of Scotland?

 

in the end he lost the part to Scott Baio

who apparently just nailed it from the get-go

without even reading the script

 

p.s.

 

I’ve heard Trump’s penis is so small

it makes his hands look like 2 Dobermans pinchers

fighting over a cornflake

 

p.p.s

 

This isn’t just me making things up here

this is just me applying Trumps own method

of fact checking against him, repeating

 

what people could say theoretically as facts

so,

you know

 

it’s probably true

 

(historical note: Multiverse Johnson used to write brochures for The Burnt Toast readings sponsored by Illiterate Magazine and Baobob Tree Press. In 2009 he put down his brochure writing pen and disappeared into the jungles of Louisville and was never heard from again. Until now.)  

There’s A Big Cloud In My Pants

30 Jul

Trump pants

 

There’s A Big Cloud In My Pants

(another translation of a poem by Mayakovsky as if mistranslated by Donald Trump)

 

There’s a big cloud in my pants

when I’m not with you

 

People assume the bulge

is my penis

which it is

but there’s also a cloud in there too

a really big one

 

Because when you’re not around

frankly, I get gloomy

ergo: my crotch gets gloomy too

 

How gloomy?

That’s a ridiculous question

Let’s just say

 

You wouldn’t want to be playing

golf down there, in the type of weather

that goes on in my pants

when I miss you

 

We’re talking storm clouds and thunder

and once in a while it rains gravel

which my doctor assures me is normal

for a man of my age

and self confidence

which is just the Russian English way of saying

my pants wouldn’t fit like this

if you’d just stopped going away like you do

 

Where are you right now?

Are you even listening?

 

There’s a cloud in my pants

and it’s raining cotton shaped opera

 

Believe me,

my cumulo starts going nimbus over here

 

Exclamation point

exclamation point

exclamation point

 

Every time

that you’re

gone

Your Backbone and My Flute

24 Jul

trump

Your Backbone and My Flute

(translation of poem by Mayakovsky as if mistranslated by Donald Trump)

 

I’d like to build a wall

around my penis

and I’d very much like for this wall

that surrounds such a thing to be

your vagina

 

That’s how special you are to me

The media doesn’t get that

If you’re trying to build an ant farm

you’re going to fuck up a lot of ants

 

before you get the rest of the ants

locked in there……what is that?

Plexiglas? Doesn’t matter

 

That’s just how it goes

I just happen to be really good

at stepping on things

What can I tell you?

 

But that’s only when I’m being Blue Collar, baby

In the bedroom nobody knows where to put it

like I know where to put it, believe me

I know where to put it

 

We’re gonna make so much love

with my flute, shooting Beethoven

all over your backbone,

 

that it’s gonna take a cleaning crew

half a week to get that place

straightened out again

 

I know this, because

I’m a job creator

Believe me

 

I’m going to fuck you so good

that Mexico will have to pay for it

 

and if Mexico says

‘Screw you’

then I’ll declare the following day

National Fuck Them Day!

 

and we’ll just order another jar

of lube up from room service

and charge it

 

to France

Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me

22 Jul

trump

Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me

(translation of poem by Mayakovsky, as if miss-translated by Donald Trump)

 

They said Munich

and I heard it as McDonalds

and then somehow it turns out to be both?

Give me a break

They sound like my second wife now

How is anything my fault? Exactly

The only thing my words radicalize

is your female sex parts

which in turn succeeds to radicalize

my sex parts

 

and by my sex parts, let’s be clear here

we’re talking about

my penis

which is spectacular

trust me

I don’t know what they’re complaining about

so what if they read stuff

I’m great in the sack

 

The entire media’s just expedited their own periods again

but I’m not going to let something like ISIS or the tragedy of others

forget to water my luxurious golf course

aka

bring me down

 

because I am important

which means we are important

 

my books have saved more animals from drowning

than any book ever published, second only to the Bible

and we’ve got reservations

me and you

later this evening

in the very exclusive restaurant

of my pants

 

table for two by the fireplace

and by fireplace I mean your womanly longings

and by two

I mean my nuts

 

because you’re special

I mean that

because we are in love

 

if orgasms were umbrellas

then trust me, you’re gonna need one

because it’s gonna be raining in Cleveland

after we finish our non-metaphorical dinner

of some absolutely gorgeously subjective steaks

 

We’re going to eat

and then I’m going to say seven or eight

extremely clever things in the elevator

and then as soon as we get back to my room

I’m going to Google myself to make sure

Putin still likes me, and then I swear to

every dollar I’ve ever made while doing business

with China

 

I’m going to make your vagina great again

 

If your mouth is the media’s insistence

that Hispanics don’t like me

then my penis is a really great Taco Bowl

like they make at Trump Towers

 

I’m just saying

when you put the two of these things together

we’ve got a great photo opportunity

I can tell you

 

orgasms will be arm wrestling love tonight

in this room, believe me

 

Vote for my penis

and I promise

everyone wins