My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams
my foot fell asleep
and it’s having those dreams again, where
we alphabetized all our typos
and did sex stuff in front of them
until the correct spellings came out
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Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Elections
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game Of Thrones And Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It
18 Oct
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones
and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It
Because, fuck him
He’s got a scathingly high percentage of people
Hopped up on false laxatives and embryonic fear
And they’re chasing it with a mix of draconian prejudices
Garnished with a 3 inch stalk of celery that hates women
Or a radicalized handful of Skittles because
Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory
Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and
The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!
And it’s driving me mad
I mean, along with all the other stuff
Already sitting behind the big wheel
The thought process involved with this army
Of Donald Trump supporters
Is Driving me mad too
Paraphrasing Deadwood:
In a country in which the presidential nominee can be aroused
By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..
Or paraphrasing Melania: The Billy Bush made him do it!
Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately
Following the rules in this new World According to Trump
(In order of most responsible)
Hillary Clinton made him do it!
And then the media made him do it!
And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!
And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Tonight I’m too tired of almost everything
So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall
Then I want one too!
My broken heart needs a border
Because it’s all sprawled out
To the point where I can no longer determine
Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or
Chuckie Cheese begins
So I need a goddamn wall!
A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!
Not just for myself, but for the other things too
I’ve got a house full of action figures that deserve better
Than the present behavior of the outside world
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They won’t get their pussies grabbed (is that how you spell the plural of pussy?)
Simply because they’re within tiny handed reach
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or
A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat
Because: This space is a diverse space
Right winged action figures like Boss Hog,
Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of
Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with
Obama on a surfboard, Dothraki, and
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again
My action figures deserve better
Trump’s opinion of women
Makes Zuul look like a romantic
His immigration plan
Makes President Snow seem reasonable
His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter
Make Captain Kirk look like a prude
Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold
Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed
And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing
“Fuck! What did I do?!”
Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around
The wood floor for weeks now
Screaming “I’ve found a signal that verifies
If Trump’s elected President he’ll fire the current
National Anthem and hire DJ Juicy Bread to write a new one!
We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy
to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”
And seriously, I never thought we’d get to this point
Where she’d actually leave me, with her
Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes……
No wait, sorry, wrong story
I mean where Trump would be where the fuck he is
With a serious shot at being President
I never thought we’d get to that point
But it has been gotten to
And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall
From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it
Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having
Already been broken has been broken again
And I didn’t think that would be possible
Tonight you can call me DJ Inconsolable
And I’m not the only one
Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water
Admiral Ackbar whispering “I thought I’d warned you”
My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing
The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile
That it’s last name is Doo
Multiverse Johnson Presents: Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me
22 Aug
Not That I’m Saying This But A Lot Of People Are Telling Me,
by Multiverse Johnson
They say Donald Trump
is a fear mongering triceratops
with the I.Q. of a constipated lawn dart
which if true would solve the mystery
around whether or not dinosaurs
and lawn darts
can coexist
They say he once sued his own penis
for defamation of character
His penis counter-sued for nonconsensual cupping
The whole thing was eventually just thrown the hell
out of court and, until this exact goddamn moment,
was never spoken of again
They say Trump eats his unpaid debts
with a fork shaped like his own ass
an atonally staggered, deeply cracked
three pronged looking ass and that the gaps in his understanding
of foreign policy would kill Evel Knievel all over again
if he tried to jump over them on a dare-devil-ly reinforced
type of bike
They say that Donald Trump is so racist
he makes this guy in Walmart who was
saying some really horrible things about
Venezuelans look like this other guy in Target
who was saying something slightly offensive
but still sorta funny about this one lady who was
waiting in line at the miniature Starbucks and just happened
to look like Cagney and Lacey’s mom
What am I, looking for dirt?
You think I wanna know these things about this guy?
I want to play No Man’s Sky and quote Herzog
I want to spend time with my kids
But what am I supposed to do?
They tell me stuff
People tell me stuff
People tell me this all the time
They come up to me and they say, Mr. Johnson,
are you Multiverse Johnson? and I’m always like
yes child, how can I help? And then they lay into it, like
did you know Donald Trump was originally cast
to play the heroin enema Ewan McGregor
jams up his ass in Trainspotting
before shitting it out along with half of Scotland?
in the end he lost the part to Scott Baio
who apparently just nailed it from the get-go
without even reading the script
p.s.
I’ve heard Trump’s penis is so small
it makes his hands look like 2 Dobermans pinchers
fighting over a cornflake
p.p.s
This isn’t just me making things up here
this is just me applying Trumps own method
of fact checking against him, repeating
what people could say theoretically as facts
so,
you know
it’s probably true
(historical note: Multiverse Johnson used to write brochures for The Burnt Toast readings sponsored by Illiterate Magazine and Baobob Tree Press. In 2009 he put down his brochure writing pen and disappeared into the jungles of Louisville and was never heard from again. Until now.)
There’s A Big Cloud In My Pants
30 Jul
There’s A Big Cloud In My Pants
(another translation of a poem by Mayakovsky as if mistranslated by Donald Trump)
There’s a big cloud in my pants
when I’m not with you
People assume the bulge
is my penis
which it is
but there’s also a cloud in there too
a really big one
Because when you’re not around
frankly, I get gloomy
ergo: my crotch gets gloomy too
How gloomy?
That’s a ridiculous question
Let’s just say
You wouldn’t want to be playing
golf down there, in the type of weather
that goes on in my pants
when I miss you
We’re talking storm clouds and thunder
and once in a while it rains gravel
which my doctor assures me is normal
for a man of my age
and self confidence
which is just the Russian English way of saying
my pants wouldn’t fit like this
if you’d just stopped going away like you do
Where are you right now?
Are you even listening?
There’s a cloud in my pants
and it’s raining cotton shaped opera
Believe me,
my cumulo starts going nimbus over here
Exclamation point
exclamation point
exclamation point
Every time
that you’re
gone
Your Backbone and My Flute
24 Jul
Your Backbone and My Flute
(translation of poem by Mayakovsky as if mistranslated by Donald Trump)
I’d like to build a wall
around my penis
and I’d very much like for this wall
that surrounds such a thing to be
your vagina
That’s how special you are to me
The media doesn’t get that
If you’re trying to build an ant farm
you’re going to fuck up a lot of ants
before you get the rest of the ants
locked in there……what is that?
Plexiglas? Doesn’t matter
That’s just how it goes
I just happen to be really good
at stepping on things
What can I tell you?
But that’s only when I’m being Blue Collar, baby
In the bedroom nobody knows where to put it
like I know where to put it, believe me
I know where to put it
We’re gonna make so much love
with my flute, shooting Beethoven
all over your backbone,
that it’s gonna take a cleaning crew
half a week to get that place
straightened out again
I know this, because
I’m a job creator
Believe me
I’m going to fuck you so good
that Mexico will have to pay for it
and if Mexico says
‘Screw you’
then I’ll declare the following day
National Fuck Them Day!
and we’ll just order another jar
of lube up from room service
and charge it
to France
Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me
22 Jul
Nobody Knows More About Love Than I Do, Trust Me
(translation of poem by Mayakovsky, as if miss-translated by Donald Trump)
They said Munich
and I heard it as McDonalds
and then somehow it turns out to be both?
Give me a break
They sound like my second wife now
How is anything my fault? Exactly
The only thing my words radicalize
is your female sex parts
which in turn succeeds to radicalize
my sex parts
and by my sex parts, let’s be clear here
we’re talking about
my penis
which is spectacular
trust me
I don’t know what they’re complaining about
so what if they read stuff
I’m great in the sack
The entire media’s just expedited their own periods again
but I’m not going to let something like ISIS or the tragedy of others
forget to water my luxurious golf course
aka
bring me down
because I am important
which means we are important
my books have saved more animals from drowning
than any book ever published, second only to the Bible
and we’ve got reservations
me and you
later this evening
in the very exclusive restaurant
of my pants
table for two by the fireplace
and by fireplace I mean your womanly longings
and by two
I mean my nuts
because you’re special
I mean that
because we are in love
if orgasms were umbrellas
then trust me, you’re gonna need one
because it’s gonna be raining in Cleveland
after we finish our non-metaphorical dinner
of some absolutely gorgeously subjective steaks
We’re going to eat
and then I’m going to say seven or eight
extremely clever things in the elevator
and then as soon as we get back to my room
I’m going to Google myself to make sure
Putin still likes me, and then I swear to
every dollar I’ve ever made while doing business
with China
I’m going to make your vagina great again
If your mouth is the media’s insistence
that Hispanics don’t like me
then my penis is a really great Taco Bowl
like they make at Trump Towers
I’m just saying
when you put the two of these things together
we’ve got a great photo opportunity
I can tell you
orgasms will be arm wrestling love tonight
in this room, believe me
Vote for my penis
and I promise
everyone wins
