Tag Archives: anal

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan


My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams


my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where


we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them


until the correct spellings came out



9 Jun


aka Where were they supposed to go after this?


Their love

was like a sink

  1. another color named by robots
  2. something assholes threw unfinished plates of spaghetti in

or crusted bowls of overtly-andante sadness

burnt toast

and jacked up forks


Their love was a graffiti torn sink

built to hold history and spoons,

a partially consumed sponge


and to once in a while, occasionally, piss in

when it’s late and the world’s too heavy to walk on

and the bathroom is all the way up the stairs


don’t judge me!


there is a beach in my pocket

where time drinks alone

and the bladder gets circled by sharks


so I sink


because up the stairs is a long way to travel

when you’re this alone

and the moon insists on poking


and you’ve really gotta pee

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth

25 Mar

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth


Where do we start here?


Do we start with girth? Ok, Wait! This poem interrupted

By today’s news that Trumpcare failed to make it off its own runway

Or into the connected sex pool


Or through the front gates of its cold hearted corporate owned

Slaughterhouse of money-first-doom

And now Paul Ryan looks worse than sad Ben Affleck


After the shitty reviews

Of Superman Martha’s Batman had poured in

Trump’s been forced to double the dose of his daily denial enemas


In an attempt to convince himself and everyone else

That he didn’t just lose BIGLY! because losing is for losers

And he’s not one of them guys, he’s a kung fu narcissist


Which means he couldn’t have been defeated so BIG LEAUGE! today

Unless he really wanted to be

Which means he must have planned it this way


Which means: HA!


And if that wasn’t enough

Mayte’s written a memoir of her love

and life with Prince?!


I had no idea how much

I wanted to read this thing

Until I just now found out that it exists



I mean shit, I’m in such a good mood right now

I don’t want to do what I’d just sat down and started doing


I just wanna listen to a whole bunch of Prince tunes

and read Vonnegut and write something else after

something else


I don’t feel like talking about my dick right now

We can talk about my dick later

Today was a good day


Night Cocks

15 Jul

bob s


Night Cocks


is that Bob Segar in your pants

or is the fading tide undecided

to see you?


I thought to myself before shouting

Dawn just broke, so I guess

we can stop rockin’


because she used to love

that Whispers song


His Love Was Like Tacos

14 Feb


His Love Was Like Tacos


He made love

like he made tacos


with his pants shelled down

above his ankles, a little jar strapped

to the side of his ass meant to hold tips in,


and a glob of store bought guacamole

non-competently served on the side

like green lube


His love was like tacos

and his tacos were below average looking

and the lettuce smelled like yesterday’s ashtrays

and the shredded cheese smelled like pictures

of his old college roommates crotch


and the hot sauce was no longer interested

in being his emergency contact

and the tomatoes never deserved her


because her love was a highly-evolved-canvassed photo

which accurately channeled the magic

of stuff like horror movies and Selma Hayek dance moves

in From Dusk Till Dawn

and owned its own gummy ring bar

and shit


but his love was like tacos and his tacos had

an ass that had ass hair that looked like the bottom of a taco

wearing a couple of cheap toupees


his tacos were hairy and balding

all at the same time

like everything’s hairy and balding

at times maybe

but that doesn’t side-shuck the fact

that his love was like tacos

and his tacos weren’t worthy

his tacos dodged the draft

at Armageddon


his tacos


at everything


his tacos were lame

Things I Learned While Watching: Back To The Future 2 on October 19, 2015

21 Oct


Things I Learned While Watching: Back To The Future 2 on October 19, 2015


We’re only a subject-able matter of hours away from the arrival of Marty and Doc and an occasionally conscious version of Elizabeth Shue. She plays Marty’s girlfriend/2015 mother of their kids in Back To The Future 2, but in the 1st movie that role was played by Claudia Wells, which really confused me when I watched these things in the 80’s as a kid. I hadn’t been divorced twice yet like I am now, so I didn’t get it.

In 1985 I thought people were irreplaceable. If you loved somebody you always loved them and when somebody loved you they always loved you. That’s how I thought it worked. I didn’t understand that somebody who loves you can actually stop loving you and instead of loving they can get downright sick of you to the point where their sickness becomes reactionary and decides to replace you with somebody else. In the 1st movie MJF loved Claudia Wells. Everybody knows that! All he wanted to do in that first one was: not fuck his mom, avoid fading away into non-existence, play Eddie Van Halen licks at the prom, and get back to 1985 so he could take Claudia to the dance in his new monster truck. Those were his goals.

But something happened between parts 1 and 2 and all of a sudden MJF isn’t taking Claudia to the dance anymore. He’s taking Elizabeth Shue. And everyone involved just went around acting like everything was business as usual. Claudia’s absence isn’t acknowledged. They just fucking replaced the shit out of her and we’re just supposed to accept it? Why?! Because Elizabeth Shue’s wearing the same white shirt/blue sweater combo that Claudia’d last been seen wearing and Shue’s got Claudia Wells 1980’s teen mom hair and Marty calls her Jennifer like he called Claudia Jennifer? Jennifer was Marty’s nickname for Claudia Wells. Not Elizabeth Shue’s! You can’t have the same nickname for two different girls! Everyone knows that! Everyone knows that Elizabeth Shue’s nickname is Adventures In Babysitting. Or Pudding. Don’t Google it! Just, shut the fuck up! Everyone knows this!

So 1985 me didn’t get it. MJF loved Claudia! But now he loves Elizabeth Shue?! Elizabeth Shue’s great and all, I mean I loved E S back then so it wasn’t that I thought she was unlovable it was just that MJF wasn’t supposed to love her because he was supposed to love Claudia because we’d already seen him love her at the end of the 1st fucking movie! But here we are at the very beginning of part 2, which is basically the exact scene from the end of the first movie played out again, but now instead of loving Claudia like we were used to he’s just, fuck, he’s loving Elizabeth Shue?!

My 1985 self could not accept this. But this 2015 version of me unfortunately gets it. Love is transferable and people get replaced because of it. That’s how it is, right? Is that how shit works now, Helen?! Shit works that way?! Well that’s just terrible! Right?! That’s how it works now?! Shit!

Helen, you made a cock ring, out of a Delorean?! That wasn’t fair. How am I supposed to fit a Delorean around my dick?! What do you mean you didn’t make it for my dick?! Who’s dick did you make it for?! That guy’s dick?! Are you serious?! That guy can’t even play an F chord! How the fuck’s he expect to play guitar at the prom and save the world if he can’t even play a proper F chord?! You went and gave your Delorean to that guy?! His dick gets terrible gas mileage! No I don’t know that for a fact. But I believe it. And applying today’s Republican Presidential Campaign logic, if you believe it, that makes it true!

Anyway…………..Marty and Jennifer’s kids look exactly like MJF. It’s like they’ve got zero Shue in them. They’re simply flat out doppleganged versions of Fox. Which poses the question: does this mean that their kids will get Parkinsons too? And if yes, maybe Doc can invent a cure using old banana peels and the backwash left in the bottom of beer cans and a borrowed sample of Claudia Well’s stool. And if he can do that maybe he could go back and cure MJF too. The ripple effects of such things could be astronomical. If Doc cured his Parkinsons MJF wouldn’t have had to leave Spin City. Which means Charlie Sheen would’ve never been brought in to replace him and maybe if that never happened Sheen would’ve never become the overpaid sitcom actor that he became and if he never became overpaid he wouldn’t have been able to afford all that cocaine and if he couldn’t afford cocaine maybe that poor porn star would’ve never ended up locked in his closet and if that never happened maybe all that time she spent in Charlie Sheen’s closet, maybe she would’ve spent that time more productively. Maybe she’d have spent the time sorting her life out. Or volunteering at an abused animal store. Maybe she would’ve decided to go back to school to get her massage therapy degree. Maybe she would’ve become a famous massage therapist and used her skills to fix an old scientist’s bad shoulder, and with that shoulder maybe the scientist would’ve went on to invent a cure for World War 3!

Ripples, Helen. Goddamn it. It all goes back to ripples.

And on the subject of ripples,

Fun Fact: For a little while there I was sorta almost related to Christopher Loyd. He was my Step-Uncle-In-Law, or something like that. Like I was once married to Helen, Christopher Loyd was once married to Helen’s Aunt. And like my marriage to Helen bombed at the box office, his marriage to Helen’s Aunt ended in sequel-less disappointment too.

They were already divorced by the time I married Helen but I met the Aunt at our wedding. On August 16, 2003 she lived an extravagant life as a New York City socialite, her lifestyle funded by alimony payments that she received from The Doc. For our wedding gift she wrote us a check and the check had her name on it and I noticed she was still using the Doc’s last name even though they were divorced and she was still using his money even though they were divorced so it was almost like Christopher Loyd had given me a wedding present because the cash, however briefly, had at one point belonged to him. A recent royalty check from Taxi maybe. Or maybe the cash had been pulled from his Back to The Future 2 savings. I don’t know.

All I know is that at the time I thanked Helen’s Aunt for the money but the whole time I was thanking her what I was really doing was thinking stuff like “Wow, this is weird. She’s shaking my hand with the same hand that most likely at one point in the days when she still loved him madly had been used to palm Christopher Loyd’s manhood, which means right now at this very moment I’m only five fingers and 2 degrees separated from Christopher Loyd’s dick.”

postscript: With Christopher Loyd’s money I bought a jug of Canadian Mist and a brown leather jacket. The whiskey’s gone now, me and Helen drank it. But I’ve still got that fucking jacket.

Last night I was fucked up and writing jokes about Helen Keller’s clit. At some point I stopped and thought, is this wrong? Is it wrong to write jokes about Helen Keller’s clit. And then because her name’s Helen, I started thinking about Helen and that night she called me chicken. Don’t call me chicken, Helen! You know how much I don’t hate that but MJF hate’s it so tonight I hate it too! Don’t call me chicken! When you told me you didn’t love me anymore that was our chicken. The way Marty loses his mind when someone calls him chicken, I lost my mind like that when Helen told me she didn’t love me. But I don’t take it personally anymore, Helen! I’m over that, Pudding! Fuck that. I don’t take it personally. It took me.

Here’s something that also pisses me off: I was only a few years younger than Marty was in the first movie and I’m only a few years younger than Marty is in 2015 so when I watched Back To The Future 2 tonight, naturally I got a little pissed. What’s up with that crazy old people makeup?! They look like shit. And they’re basically supposed to be my age and I mean, fuck, do I look like that? I’d like to think I’ve aged better than that. It’s like in 1989 everyone walked around thinking that people in their mid forties in 2015 were gonna look like they were 60. I don’t look 60, do I Helen? Wait. Don’t answer that. You don’t know what I look like. I look great goddamn it, Helen! I look great! I’m almost got abs you know. In the proper light with my shirt off you can almost see one! Yes, one. Maybe I don’t have abs exactly. But I’ve got an ab, at the very least of it. I’ve aged better than MJF anyway. That’s all I’m saying. I’ve got ab, Helen. So you know, suck it.

Helen probably isn’t watching Back To The Future 2 right now. She’s probably watching her weight or her boyfriend’s mad attempts to mount her with his dick wrapped in used Delorean or Ted 2.

There are no owls in Back To The Future 2, but maybe there should be. Owls don’t need hover boards in order to avoid the bullying of hoodlums. Owls don’t frown at anal. Owls can tell the goddamn difference between Claudia Wells and Elizabeth Shue.

(written for last night’s F Bomb reading at the Mercury Cafe, Denver CO)

Why I Want To Fuck George Bush Jr.

9 Nov



longside 3


(from series of longsides published by Baobob Tree Press. this one’s for the great J.G. Ballard, and the reasons he wanted to do Reagan. at the time this broadside was printed we had Bush)