Tag Archives: Ben Affleck

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth

25 Mar

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth


Where do we start here?


Do we start with girth? Ok, Wait! This poem interrupted

By today’s news that Trumpcare failed to make it off its own runway

Or into the connected sex pool


Or through the front gates of its cold hearted corporate owned

Slaughterhouse of money-first-doom

And now Paul Ryan looks worse than sad Ben Affleck


After the shitty reviews

Of Superman Martha’s Batman had poured in

Trump’s been forced to double the dose of his daily denial enemas


In an attempt to convince himself and everyone else

That he didn’t just lose BIGLY! because losing is for losers

And he’s not one of them guys, he’s a kung fu narcissist


Which means he couldn’t have been defeated so BIG LEAUGE! today

Unless he really wanted to be

Which means he must have planned it this way


Which means: HA!


And if that wasn’t enough

Mayte’s written a memoir of her love

and life with Prince?!


I had no idea how much

I wanted to read this thing

Until I just now found out that it exists



I mean shit, I’m in such a good mood right now

I don’t want to do what I’d just sat down and started doing


I just wanna listen to a whole bunch of Prince tunes

and read Vonnegut and write something else after

something else


I don’t feel like talking about my dick right now

We can talk about my dick later

Today was a good day



Batman vs Superman vs Out of Africa vs Good Will Hunting

30 Jul


How Hollywood Could Make Batman Vs Superman And Remake Two Other Movies At The Same Time, Thus Inventing the Good Will Hunting of Out Of Africa influenced Superhero Movies 

           Superman’s mad at Batman because every time he bumps into the parentless prick he busts into some fucknut speech about how Superman isn’t living up to his Kryptonian potential and how every time he parks the Batmobile outside the Daily Planet Batman sits there for a little while before going in, dreaming that Superman won’t be there, that his desk’ll be cleared out and Perry White’ll be screaming because Superman’s left to do something really important on account of the Newspaper Industry’s dead and if he was really interested in saving the world he’d throw all his alien spandex power into Cable TV because “Breaking Bad’s over! How’s the world supposed to live with the gap?!” and when Superman tries to tell him to fuck off Batman gets all up in his face threatening to put the Supe’s Justice League membership on Lay-A-Way, and he’s all “I swear if you don’t spunk up I’m gonna put it on Lay-A-Way!” and Superman’s like “You best roll out of my face rich boy” but what he actually says is more like “I don’t know what that means!” but Batman won’t let up and stuff so Superman reaches a point like we all reach a point and punches Batman so goddamn hard that he goes sailing into the air, landing thousands of miles away in Africa where the next day he wakes up delirious in the middle of a bleak coffee farm with an outrageous case of syphilis, hallucinating Robert Redford with Alfred standing over him and Alfred’s all “I am Alfred, Sabu” and Batman’s all “Christ, I thought we’d agreed to grow dairy” before luxuriously passing out into dreams of blond-headed biplanes and the Jokerless face scars of a Mombasa strip mall where dead parents thrive and wealthy little white kids always get their way while meanwhile, back in Metropolis Lois Lane’s getting it on with Wonder Woman and it’s amazing because there’re two of everything, four of everything in some cases I mean BOOBS ARE EVERYWHERE but when it comes to that point upon which the height of their simultaneous orgasms have come knocking both women scream out the name ‘Clark!’ at the same time and then also at the same time both women immediately get really pissed and because Superman has Super Hearing and is also a bit of an alien farm boy perv he’s been listening to the entire thing and because, depending on which comic book storyline you’ve been reading, he’s technically been sleeping with both ladies during the same timeframe though be it at separate never-both-of-them-at-the-same-time-together-different-times Superman decides it might be best to hide out for a little while until bra straps are re-strapped and everyone has a chance to calm down so he slips into the nearest theater where they’re playing Daredevil for some goddamn reason and Superman’s all “What is this shit? Ben Affleck is fucking terrible. Whoever cast this should be banished to the Forbidden Zone because nobody wants to see this schmuk walking around like he’s a superhero.” and at that moment Zack Snyder pulls his dick out of the $8 hooker named General Public he’s been fucking for 10 seconds because he’s got this strange feeling that somebody’s out there screaming at him again and when the hooker says something like “What’s wrong baby?” Zack Snyder says “Nothing” and goes back to his fucking and two and a half seconds after that the hooker dies from a broken heart and un-stimulated vagina and another three seconds after that Zack Snyder cums.