Tag Archives: Coldplay

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan


My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams


my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where


we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them


until the correct spellings came out

26 Jul



The legend of the Yeti who went out on a fishing boat

in an attempt to win back the love of the woman

it had been verbally critical of in the past but who

it had found itself missing after she’d gone


is not a very well known legend

actually, it’s not much of a legend at all

it’s more of an ephemeral tale

that this one dude who hangs out

in the parking lot of the Broomfield Del Taco


likes to scream at people as they enter

the gas station/restaurant to purchase

their Macho Burritos and tacos with extra stuff in them

(currently known as the ‘The’ Del Taco)


nobody really listens to him

his audience being for the most part un-captivated

and in various stages of hunger


so the details are fucking shaky

but the way the parking lot dude tells it

there once lived a Yeti who’s ass was so hairy

that it made its ears look smooth like un-kissed glass

which is apparently saying something

because according to an ancient porta-potty painting of the beast

that was uncovered almost 15 years after the 1990’s

its ears were super hairy too


the porta-potty painting depicted a Yeti

who was more hairy in certain areas than others

standing on a boat

trying really hard to come off as seriously articulate

and emotionally broken


in its hands it held a long fish

pressed parsimoniously to its chest

for some goddamn reason


the dude at Del Taco

couldn’t remember why

but he knew why the Yeti was out there


the Yeti had gone boating

because it missed the girl who it had never deserved

and also it was a little bit nuts most of the time

and liked to think of itself as a more pretentious version

of Kevin Costner

Why would someone do that?

I asked the dude at the Del Taco

but the dude at the Del Taco said

he couldn’t remember


he’d smoked a whole lot of weed four days ago

and then every hour or two for every hour or two

after that until right now


and so what?! I mean, who hasn’t?

What’s any of this have to do with a goddamn

Yeti who thinks he’s Message In A Bottle era Kevin Costner

standing on a goddamn boat holding a dead fish

while pondering love?!


Ha! That’s not the right question!

The point is, Kevin Costner, he was like

great in Waterworld!

I mean, I don’t know


The Yeti thinks its emotionally attractive

because it feels the same pains as Message In A Bottle version

Kevin Costner


when in reality, who gives a fuck?!

the Yeti holding a fish on his penis-less boat

isn’t the story that we should be focusing on


we should be focusing on the story of the woman

he never deserved in the first place


fuck that dead fish toting Yeti

and the porta-potty its legend rode in on


because the legend of the Yeti

is bullshit

the legend of her, on the other hand

and : cliffhanger! sexy boogers!


her legend and sexy boogers

(and also the fact that we do our best

to not let Trump become president)

might save us





the way you struggle off to work each morning makes me think it’ll be ok

17 Jul


the way you struggle off to work each morning makes me think it’ll be ok


the way you pull yourself out of bed every morning

before I do harnessing pure dread to manipulate gravity

causing you to fall up and sort of sideways towards

your parts of the closet instead of down the way you

open the bedroom door and stare


down seven hungry jungle cats to get to the bathroom

the sound of the shower sputtering into action and the

shock of warm water dressing you up in shampoo suds

and post seven a.m. drenching the way the walls move

to please you when you return once


again to the bedroom to stand: an army general

surveying the heavy rack of loyal wardrobe troops

clothes pick themselves out for you as you curse the

gods of this particular work day and bend down

to kiss me before issuing the command to charge


out the front door where the world has it coming

inspiring me to action I throw on what’s necessary and

follow you berserker screaming, there will be wounds

naturally but we’ll patch each other up between

5 and 5:30


my love is so thick for you

it sticks to walls




(from The Night We Called Dennis, Amber Lodge Press, 2005)

Love is: a Chalk Outline

14 Jul


(note: written for the monthly fiction reading series The F Bomb/every 2nd Wed of the month at the Mercury Cafe/Denver CO)               

This Story Has Been Formatted To Fit Your Screen
and Edited To Run In the Time Allotted
“Late night watching TV, used to be you here beside me.”
–Chris Martin to Gweneth Paltrow
            Love is a Chalk Outline regaining consciousness 40 minutes after the crime scene party’s over, stumbling down the hallway like a partially erased tether ball, unable to recall what he’d done with his pants.
            (Commercial Interruption #1: 3 women, post-menopausal, dancing without worry because they’re wearing Gerbers brand extra-super absorbent adult diapers. Available in pink, blue, and new ‘nothing-to-see-here-because-they’re-always-this-color’ yellow. Only 28.50 plus shipping and handling. Incontinent? Gerbers’ got you covered. End Commercial)
            The Chalk Outline was unable to find his pants, but that was the least of his problems. Apparently the smart ass who’d traced him had a sense of humor. Or perhaps it’d been a simple matter of incompetence or evil intent. Either way, whoever’d been in charge of tracing the Chalk Outline had neglected to trace the very reason for wearing pants in the first place. For: we live in a world in which it is illegal to expose one’s weiner in public. This law no longer applied to the Chalk Outline. He’d been traced without a dick.
            (Commercial Interruption #2: Lysol does not eliminate odors. It just makes everything in the room smell like Lysol. Lysol is an odor. In order to do what its own label purports it can do it would have to eliminate itself. Avoid the madness. Stop shitting in the Employee Only restroom at work! Message brought to you by Scented Candles and Americans Organized Towards The Reelection Again Maybe Someday of Eric Cantor. End Commercial)
            Having been reawakened to walk the Earth without his penis, the Chalk Outline felt betrayed and being that his 3 favorite movies were Braveheart, Rob Roy, and The Crow, he set out on the arduous journey of seeking revenge against the thing which had traced him.
            “I will end you like the Internet has ended the noble history of  reading spine bounded books in print!” the Outline screamed at the sky while pretending that it was raining and also the middle of the night.
            The Chalk Outline’s thinly veiled metaphor for god did not answer. But that was ok. The Outline had been chalked recently.  The son of a bitch who’d done the chalking couldn’t have gone far.
            (Story interrupted by 20 minutes of local news emergency weather coverage. Thunderstorm Watch until 2 a.m. The weatherman, though fully aware it’s only a limited amount of water, has chosen to report upon such things as if anyone caught outside with or without a raincoat has been pre-selected to die a nasty death. Please ride out the storm whilst cowering in the proper amount of fear. If your family owns a gun, I suggest you load it. Channel 9 News Team. 9 Cares. We now return you to this story, already in progress.)
            The Chalk Outline stood upon the veranda covered in blood. He’d gone into the battle well aware that taking out his own creator would not be easy. Especially without a penis. (note: the previous sentence is in no way sexist. The phrase ‘dick move’, often applied to someone who’s being an asshole, can also be defined as a real self-defense tactic invented by The Chalk Outline before he’d been murdered and brought back to life as a chalk outline. The move being invented shortly after the Outline flunked out of Karate School and when used correctly rendered one’s opponents bruised, sexually distant or confused. )
            Anyway, the battle’d been  harsher than the Outline’d predicted, mostly due to the fact that his opponent turned out to be plural. Opponents. Sort of. The man/men who had traced him at the original crime scene were Siamese Twins.
            The Outline had no idea what he was expecting, but he hadn’t been expecting that.
            (Commercial Interruption #3: A trailer for a new movie in which Hollywood remakes the story of The Three Little Pigs. In this hip, super modernized version the pigs are the ones trotting around blowing down all the houses and it’s the misunderstood wolf who stands inside, haunted by bricks and past mistakes made out of straw,  waiting for the walls to fall. Directed by that guy who had the balls to bang Kristen Stewart behind Rob Pattinson’s back after having cast his own real life wife as Kristen Stewart’s mom. End Commercial)
            The Chalk Outline thought about outlining the body of the Siamese Twins he’d just defeated but then thought better of it. The Twin’s outline might pop back to life like his own outline had done, and then they’d probably just start fighting again, and the Chalk Outline was done with that.
            He went to the dead Siamese Twin’s refrigerator and ate some leftover shrimp instead.
            (Story interrupted by the 9 News Weather Team again. Thunderstorm Watch has been escalated to a Warning in the following counties: Broomfield. Please prepare for the apocalypse accordingly. We now return to…wait shit. No. That story’s over. We now return you to the Channel 9 movie of the week, The Poseidon Adventure starring Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell, The original Robocop, Doug ‘Coughlin’s Law’ Coughlin from Cocktails, Jane (aka The Hero of Canton) and Rutger Hauer, already in progress….)