Tag Archives: covfefe

Get out of the car, Donald: Covfefe

30 Jun

 

Get out of the car, Donald: Covfefe

 

The old man spit almonds at the liquor store clerk for coming

around to the other side of the counter in order to feed

the thin Doberman a health food store treat

(Sprouts was right next door)

 

“He shouldn’t have that!” the old man said, spit “I don’t mean to yell, but last night

he had hideous diarrhea. (Hideous) (I was standing behind him. Great word choice.

I was impressed)

 

I’ve scrubbed so much shit out of my living room carpet

that the pain in my wrists is the only thing I’ve got left,

as far as proof that I’m alive.”

 

The old man thought about death a lot and looked hollow

The dog’s asshole was sensitive and he looked dehydrated and sad

The liquor store clerk said she was sorry, she should’ve first asked

 

Covfefe stepped around me like a John Wick fight scene

his eyes grinning like the wrong kind of condiments

“Hey mister,” Covfefe said, “I’ll give you 47 hundred dollars for the dog.

 

But only if this place sells beef jerky. Do you sell beef jerky?”

The lady who worked there said that they did.

 

“Sold. The dog, and all the beef jerky. I pay you for the dog

and her for the beef jerky. 47 hundred. Do we have a deal?”

 

The old man quivered, fully aware that he was only 3 or 4 more dog shits

away from ending his own life. He didn’t want to die that way.

On top a shit stained carpet. Dog. Shit. Stained.

 

Fuck that, the old man said in his head.

They had a deal.

 

On the ride home I asked Covfefe why he’d bought the dog

“Why do you think?!” Donald said, because he was sitting in the back seat

like he’s always sitting in the back seat. That’s what he does now.

He lives in the back seat. He pays people large bucks to provide him with

an unlimited amount of shit he orders from the Info Wars website and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

He won’t get out of the car.

 

He runs everything from back there

He’s the real thing #prick

so why would he?

 

“He bought the dog because they had beef jerky and the dog has diarrhea and we’re taking it

back to your place. Covfefe! Keep the dog away from my chicken! Can you comprehend what

I’m doing to you right now? I’d fucking think so.

aka Win/Win/Win.”

 

I tried to ignore Donald but it’s impossible.

He’s a big dickish mess.

And I told him that

 

“The only thing I regret,” Donald said “is that I never played golf

with Evel Knievel.”

 

and for the first time, I believed him

and I drove home

embalmed with that and all these memories

we’ll never see again

 

All these times that are now dead for us

Shit

The times that are dead

Covfefe

29 Jun

Covfefe

 

As the ashtrays pop like a steady invasion of phone-cams

and cream cheese

We all scream into the same bucket of water

We can all feel our own tanks slowly chipping away, under fire

Until the only thing left are the treds………….

 

Are you watching Fury again?. Covfefe asked the question like a statement

because I was always watching Fury again these days

I was always praising Brad Pitt’s performance

as a broken souled tank driver or sketching Hitler mustaches

just below the crotches of shitty modern day billionaires

or reading about Winston Churchill out loud

 

Since the election of this new goddamn reality show president

I’d become significantly obsessed with masturbation and not sleeping well

and learning lots of things about World War 2

 

Leave me alone, Covfefe. I said

Which made Covfefe laugh

Which was horrible, because a Covfefe laugh

sounds like the cross between Tom Cruise farting during a meter reading

and Ricardo Montalban waking from death screaming

because he’s spent the past chunk of years

dreaming about how he accidentally killed Tattoo  

 

Leader gets two scoops of ice cream

when everyone else in the room gets only one

Covfefe gloated

One scoop because America is so gullible

and one scoop because it’s arrogant about its ignorance

and  still pretty fucking racist

so: shit

 

That makes 2.

 

One + One……..I mean, I don’t know

where you learned math but where I learned math

we always said the pledge of allegiance before pooping

and didn’t eat our bologna sandwiches like afraid-of-mayonnaise pussies

I can tell you, with complete straight bullshit honesty,

that where I come from one + one: makes two

 

Covfefe! I found myself screaming voluntarily, Knock it off

Your shitty math hole

can’t tell algebra and a shark’s asshole

apart, how the fuck do you expect…….

 

Covfefe’s response was immediate

and misdirected

 

Love is for people.

I think my sister really likes you

Knock it off