Tag Archives: crackers

Grass Bat

5 Jun

Grass Bat

 

Her hair was the color of yesterday’s favorite chew toy

and his eyes reminded her of a blue crayon

left to die in the mud

 

their love held on like a bat made out of grass

they lived in a cave surrounded by lawnmowers

but they had a defensive arsenal of dvds

 

and compensable sex parts

and for a while the lawnmowers couldn’t get them

until eventually even the cave turned against them

 

because nothing lasts forever except war

and that goddamn Celine Dion song

I mean, fuck, it just goes on forever

 

unlike the grass bats

a grass bat has the shelf life of a sensitive mammal

made out of uprooted plant clippings

 

(fuck) all these goddamn every day-by-day extinctions

(historic note: that’s how watching

For Your Eyes Only alone was invented)

 

the grass bats are gone

Stroke Face

11 Dec

Friends-TV

Stroke Face

 

the day had been long

and she’d had no time to snatch lunch

so by the time she got home

she screamed ‘FAMISHED’ in Chinese

and after that she blurted out something she thought

the Chinese might say when they want to say

‘FUCK!” because she was out of food

and an extended understanding

of other languages so

she had jean crotch

for dinner

and a couple of crackers

and after almost doing the dishes

she thought about putting in a movie

but she was still wearing

her dinner pants

so her crotch was hanging out

and the breeze felt like a five dollar bill

blowing against an old vending machine

built with the type of slots that weren’t built

to handle denominations of such girth

so she walked over into the other room

to change

into something a little less crotchless

and then she sat down and started watching a sitcom

that was sort of like Friends

if Ross had been a little bit anti-Semitic

and instead of being a paleontologist

he spent most of his time at work

sitting in his brand new cubicle not eating a delicious donut

because he thought it looked Jewish and

making fun of people with disabilities

because Joey’d been born with feet

that refused to point straight

under their own influence

and had been forced to wear prescription

footwear when he was little

and they’d been brown and shaped like dress shoes

and Ross found this: hilarious!

he pelted Joey with hard candy and crude references

to Tom Hanks movies when he wasn’t busy

banging Rachel so hard

she never made it into work the next day

he also laughed heartily

after Monica accused Joey of having poop in his butt

despite the fact that Joey totally didn’t have poop in his butt!

Because Joey was ocd about shit like this!

(he needed his action figures to be facing in specific ways

and he needed his ass to be clean, so)

Unless he was at the time pooping

you can almost goddamn bet the ant farm

his butt was 100% poopless!

“Google it, asshole!” Joey quiet-screamed

“My ass has been electronically documented.

My ass has white fringe dangling on the outside.

Motherfucker?

I’m in the literature.

Look it up.”

but instead of looking it up Ross sat at his desk

screaming “Cockpit procedure!”

and hounding Phoebe over and over again

with the story about how

when they’d first met he’d thought she was a ‘bitch’

because she had ‘bitch face’

even though Phoebe didn’t have bitch face

she’d just recently had a stroke

Ross called her ‘Mork’ because of the way

she looked back in the days

when she’d been a baby

 

“Jesus, this is brutal.” thought the recently crotchless

woman who was at this time right now watching this

whole goddamn thing and eating strawberry Starbursts

on the couch

“Where the fuck’s Chandler? There’s been no goddamn

Chandler in any of this? Somebody’s gotta take this Ross guy

out”

but Chandler wasn’t in this particular episode

because previously on this show that is not Friends

Chandler’s wife at the time had decided she wanted to play a game

that I guess you’d have to call “What Celebrity Do You Think Shares The Exact Same Personality As Me And That I’m Most Like As A Person”

It’s a stupid name, yes

and a stupid game

but Chandler was an idiot and said he’d play

and when she told him he reminded him of Chandler

Chandler was like, wait? That’s me? Am I famous?

and then he freaked out and panicked and because they’d just watched

Fools Rush In, and Chandler had totally been in that

he figured it’d be a good idea to tell her she was probably most like

Selma Hayek (because also he loved Selma Hayek)

and holy shit was that the wrong goddamn thing to say right now!

because Selma Hayek completely freaked out!

and later that afternoon Chandler was kicked out of her life

and this particular episode of this show the crotchless lady

who was beginning to wish was still crotchless was sorta watching

but not really watching now

So while Chandler was off in rehab

Ross continued to torment his coworkers

with his smooth as hell put-downs

and dark sitcom compordium last minute attempts to remain lovable:

“Hey Menorah (he sometimes called Phoebe ‘Menorah’ but always

in a derogatory way). I’m sorry you were just stroke faced.

I didn’t know you were stroke faced, ok?

(crotchless was once again crotchless at this point

and had many lines ago stopped watching

so who knows if any of this is still going on)

You’re not a bitch.