Tag Archives: dick

Hitler Dick

10 Dec


Hitler Dick


Somebody’s beating the hell out of

the soda machine

because it took their money

and then didn’t give them a soda back


That’s the civilized agreement we have with these things

money goes in the machine

and the soda come out

but that didn’t happen this time


it almost never happens that way anymore

that machine’s all fucked up

it takes the money and keeps the soda


that’s how machines work now in the Trumpverse

there’s no compassion, vegan decency, or common sense

civility’s been Shake N Baked and the die hards are voting for death

while the rest of us stand around gasping in dirty pajamas and horror

(if you were wondering about why the machine….)

that’s why somebody’s beating the hell out of it


These things can’t be allowed to continue in such manners

Roy Moore is standing at the plate, freeballing America

fuck you, baseball season

That machine has got to go


You put your money in and

Hell comes out

but no soda

and no money

all that beating and nothing, no change


Everyone’s crazy

Everyone’s misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall

and forgetting about Emilio Estevez

Everyone’s dying behind porch light

and fucking beneath iphone blankets

Everyone’s gloating or shamed


and that goddamn machine keeps taking all the money

giving back empty space where the promise of actual soda’s

supposed to be


I get thirsty, just thinking about it


Sometimes everything you have is just 75 cents

and when you invest everything you’ve got into something

and that something tells you to fuck off

using the language of silence and empty space

or the actual words


it’s easy to go nuts

such things accelerate the plunge


That was everything I’ve got!

you scream at the machine

Give me something back!


While the machine just stands there with its soul castrated

says nothing

everything is religiously followed and meaningless

everything is nothing


and because it’s all nothing

the machine’s decided

you don’t need that soda

or companionship

or love


that stuff is for people who think like the machine tells them to think

you don’t think like the machine thinks

ergo: you don’t deserve that shit


Fuck you and your 75 cents worth of everything

You never properly earned that 75 cents in the first place

so I’ve taken it back

and you’re not getting your soda

because the soda doesn’t want you anymore


so go off and go cry/weep for a long time about that


I’d maybe offer you water

but I don’t have any water on me

and the water that I have got

I wouldn’t give it to you anyway

so that would just be mean of me

the machine says

to offer you something I’ve never intended to give you

but screw it, you look so sad


Would you like some water?


Yes please, we all whisper to the machine at different times

guts cried out and pissed upon

protesting between old shoe boxes

sweating out hard rage and madness and fumes


Sorry, I don’t have any water

the machine reports back

no water for you

All the water these days has been set aside

for rich real estate assholes with bad credit and

grown men who’ve been banned from the mall


in a reality like this, everything just goes spinning


Titanic is the Karate Kid of floating boat movies

Float on

Float off


So long, Jack


Their lives together put a down payment

on a shower curtain

and when they divorced

two bathroom floors

took turns

being wet


while whoever was beating that soda machine

kept beating

because they’d just put everything they’d had in it

and nothing came out


they kept beating


ker crunch pop



and I sat there in a room just down the hall, screaming


Get that motherfucker

Hating everything is not a sustainable life style!

It’s their turn now

(I’m so fucking lonely)


Take em’ down!

Crotch punch it in the swastika

Hitler’s dick won’t win tonight!


(I want my Diet Coke!)


Get em!


Internet Spam Haiku

15 Aug


internet spam haiku

your stubby pecker’s
embarrassing you need to
fix it send cash now

(from my book Avenge me, Baobob Tree Press)

Love is: a Chalk Outline

14 Jul


(note: written for the monthly fiction reading series The F Bomb/every 2nd Wed of the month at the Mercury Cafe/Denver CO)               

This Story Has Been Formatted To Fit Your Screen
and Edited To Run In the Time Allotted
“Late night watching TV, used to be you here beside me.”
–Chris Martin to Gweneth Paltrow
            Love is a Chalk Outline regaining consciousness 40 minutes after the crime scene party’s over, stumbling down the hallway like a partially erased tether ball, unable to recall what he’d done with his pants.
            (Commercial Interruption #1: 3 women, post-menopausal, dancing without worry because they’re wearing Gerbers brand extra-super absorbent adult diapers. Available in pink, blue, and new ‘nothing-to-see-here-because-they’re-always-this-color’ yellow. Only 28.50 plus shipping and handling. Incontinent? Gerbers’ got you covered. End Commercial)
            The Chalk Outline was unable to find his pants, but that was the least of his problems. Apparently the smart ass who’d traced him had a sense of humor. Or perhaps it’d been a simple matter of incompetence or evil intent. Either way, whoever’d been in charge of tracing the Chalk Outline had neglected to trace the very reason for wearing pants in the first place. For: we live in a world in which it is illegal to expose one’s weiner in public. This law no longer applied to the Chalk Outline. He’d been traced without a dick.
            (Commercial Interruption #2: Lysol does not eliminate odors. It just makes everything in the room smell like Lysol. Lysol is an odor. In order to do what its own label purports it can do it would have to eliminate itself. Avoid the madness. Stop shitting in the Employee Only restroom at work! Message brought to you by Scented Candles and Americans Organized Towards The Reelection Again Maybe Someday of Eric Cantor. End Commercial)
            Having been reawakened to walk the Earth without his penis, the Chalk Outline felt betrayed and being that his 3 favorite movies were Braveheart, Rob Roy, and The Crow, he set out on the arduous journey of seeking revenge against the thing which had traced him.
            “I will end you like the Internet has ended the noble history of  reading spine bounded books in print!” the Outline screamed at the sky while pretending that it was raining and also the middle of the night.
            The Chalk Outline’s thinly veiled metaphor for god did not answer. But that was ok. The Outline had been chalked recently.  The son of a bitch who’d done the chalking couldn’t have gone far.
            (Story interrupted by 20 minutes of local news emergency weather coverage. Thunderstorm Watch until 2 a.m. The weatherman, though fully aware it’s only a limited amount of water, has chosen to report upon such things as if anyone caught outside with or without a raincoat has been pre-selected to die a nasty death. Please ride out the storm whilst cowering in the proper amount of fear. If your family owns a gun, I suggest you load it. Channel 9 News Team. 9 Cares. We now return you to this story, already in progress.)
            The Chalk Outline stood upon the veranda covered in blood. He’d gone into the battle well aware that taking out his own creator would not be easy. Especially without a penis. (note: the previous sentence is in no way sexist. The phrase ‘dick move’, often applied to someone who’s being an asshole, can also be defined as a real self-defense tactic invented by The Chalk Outline before he’d been murdered and brought back to life as a chalk outline. The move being invented shortly after the Outline flunked out of Karate School and when used correctly rendered one’s opponents bruised, sexually distant or confused. )
            Anyway, the battle’d been  harsher than the Outline’d predicted, mostly due to the fact that his opponent turned out to be plural. Opponents. Sort of. The man/men who had traced him at the original crime scene were Siamese Twins.
            The Outline had no idea what he was expecting, but he hadn’t been expecting that.
            (Commercial Interruption #3: A trailer for a new movie in which Hollywood remakes the story of The Three Little Pigs. In this hip, super modernized version the pigs are the ones trotting around blowing down all the houses and it’s the misunderstood wolf who stands inside, haunted by bricks and past mistakes made out of straw,  waiting for the walls to fall. Directed by that guy who had the balls to bang Kristen Stewart behind Rob Pattinson’s back after having cast his own real life wife as Kristen Stewart’s mom. End Commercial)
            The Chalk Outline thought about outlining the body of the Siamese Twins he’d just defeated but then thought better of it. The Twin’s outline might pop back to life like his own outline had done, and then they’d probably just start fighting again, and the Chalk Outline was done with that.
            He went to the dead Siamese Twin’s refrigerator and ate some leftover shrimp instead.
            (Story interrupted by the 9 News Weather Team again. Thunderstorm Watch has been escalated to a Warning in the following counties: Broomfield. Please prepare for the apocalypse accordingly. We now return to…wait shit. No. That story’s over. We now return you to the Channel 9 movie of the week, The Poseidon Adventure starring Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell, The original Robocop, Doug ‘Coughlin’s Law’ Coughlin from Cocktails, Jane (aka The Hero of Canton) and Rutger Hauer, already in progress….)