My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams
my foot fell asleep
and it’s having those dreams again, where
we alphabetized all our typos
and did sex stuff in front of them
until the correct spellings came out
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Tag Archives: Game Of Thrones
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)
16 Nov
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones
and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)
Because, fuck him
with his Confederate flag embracing
Putin loving
sexist
homophobia
his shitty fucking children
and his goddamn wall
What the fuck are you doing America?!
Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory
Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and
The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!
And everything’s wasted
And it’s driving me mad
I mean, along with all the other stuff
Already sitting behind the big wheel
The thought process involved with this orangish Fuhrer
and his army
Of Trump loving supporters
Is driving me mad too
Paraphrasing Deadwood:
In a country in which the president elect can be aroused
By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..
Or paraphrasing Melania: (because according to her everything
Donald does that’s all encompassingly horrible
isn’t his fault) The Billy Bush made him do it!
Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately
Following the rules in this new World According to Assholes
(In order of those most responsible)
Hillary Clinton made him do it!
And then the media made him do it!
And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!
And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:
“nooooooooooooooo.”
When a Republican wins the election Democrats stock up
on birth control and when a Democrat wins the election
Republicans stock up on guns
and it’s too much madness right now
Tonight I’m tired of almost everything
So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall
Then I want one too!
My broken heart needs a border
Because it’s all sprawled out
To the point where I can no longer determine
Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or
Chuckie Cheese begins
So I need a goddamn wall!
A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!
Not just for myself, but for the other things too
I’ve got a house full of broken hearted action figures that deserve better
Than the present behavior of the outside world
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They won’t get their lady-bits grabbed
Simply because they’re within stubby handed reach
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or
A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat
Because: This space is a diverse space
In this space we love stuff
even though that stuff almost never loves us back
Conservative action figures like Boss Hog,
Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of
Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with
Obama on a surfboard, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
Trump wants top level security clearance
for his horrible
shitty
hair gel’d kids
Trump just appointed a white supremacist
to be his Godfather Robert Duval
Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again
My action figures deserve better
Trump’s opinion of women
Makes Zuul look like a romantic
His immigration plan
Makes President Snow seem reasonable
His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter
Make Captain Kirk look like a prude
Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold
Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed
And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing
“Fuck! What did I do?!”
Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around
The wood floor for a week now since the election
Screaming I found a signal dammit, why weren’t you listening?!
They were using our own satellites
against us again and all that
We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy
to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”
But it is done. It’s fucking done.
And seriously, I knew it could probably happen
but I never thought we’d get to this point
Where she’d actually leave me, with her
Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes and……
No wait, sorry, wrong story
Helen, I mean Donald
Donald,
I mean I never thought we’d get to the point
where you’d be where the fuck your are
President of an entire country
I never thought we’d get here
But here has been gotten to
And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall
From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it
Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having
Already been broken has been broken again
And I didn’t think that would be possible
Tonight I am DJ Inconsolable
And I’m not the only one
Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water
Admiral Ackbar whispering “Didn’t I warn you?”
My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing
The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile the un-reality
of the rise to power of a reality TV douchbag with the fact
That it’s last name is Doo
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game Of Thrones And Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It
18 Oct
I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones
and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It
Because, fuck him
He’s got a scathingly high percentage of people
Hopped up on false laxatives and embryonic fear
And they’re chasing it with a mix of draconian prejudices
Garnished with a 3 inch stalk of celery that hates women
Or a radicalized handful of Skittles because
Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory
Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and
The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!
And it’s driving me mad
I mean, along with all the other stuff
Already sitting behind the big wheel
The thought process involved with this army
Of Donald Trump supporters
Is Driving me mad too
Paraphrasing Deadwood:
In a country in which the presidential nominee can be aroused
By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..
Or paraphrasing Melania: The Billy Bush made him do it!
Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately
Following the rules in this new World According to Trump
(In order of most responsible)
Hillary Clinton made him do it!
And then the media made him do it!
And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!
And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Tonight I’m too tired of almost everything
So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall
Then I want one too!
My broken heart needs a border
Because it’s all sprawled out
To the point where I can no longer determine
Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or
Chuckie Cheese begins
So I need a goddamn wall!
A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!
Not just for myself, but for the other things too
I’ve got a house full of action figures that deserve better
Than the present behavior of the outside world
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They won’t get their pussies grabbed (is that how you spell the plural of pussy?)
Simply because they’re within tiny handed reach
My action figures deserve to live in a world in which
They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or
A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat
Because: This space is a diverse space
Right winged action figures like Boss Hog,
Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of
Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with
Obama on a surfboard, Dothraki, and
The Creature From The Black Lagoon
Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again
My action figures deserve better
Trump’s opinion of women
Makes Zuul look like a romantic
His immigration plan
Makes President Snow seem reasonable
His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter
Make Captain Kirk look like a prude
Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold
Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed
And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing
“Fuck! What did I do?!”
Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around
The wood floor for weeks now
Screaming “I’ve found a signal that verifies
If Trump’s elected President he’ll fire the current
National Anthem and hire DJ Juicy Bread to write a new one!
We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy
to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”
And seriously, I never thought we’d get to this point
Where she’d actually leave me, with her
Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes……
No wait, sorry, wrong story
I mean where Trump would be where the fuck he is
With a serious shot at being President
I never thought we’d get to that point
But it has been gotten to
And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall
From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it
Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having
Already been broken has been broken again
And I didn’t think that would be possible
Tonight you can call me DJ Inconsolable
And I’m not the only one
Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water
Admiral Ackbar whispering “I thought I’d warned you”
My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing
The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile
That it’s last name is Doo
I Live Down The Street From A Church The Size Of The Death Star
29 Jun
I Live Down The Street From A Church The Size Of The Death Star
I live down the street from a church
the size of the Death Star
and on Sundays if the traffic
happened to find itself sucked sky-wise
this traffic
would blot out
the sun
and yesterday morning it was Sunday again
(because the church doesn’t have to pay taxes
so it can afford an ark full of lobbyist to ensure
it’s always Sunday again somewhere) and after not leaving
the house for around 56 hours I figured
I should probably
leave the house
the cats needed cat food
and I’d run out of fake meat and lettuce
and felt like getting a burrito
that I wouldn’t have
to make
myself
so I got in the car
(Helen, you see how easy that is?)
I got in the car
and the car needed gas
and why the hell did it have to be
so goddamn bright outside?
(I blamed the modern state of democracy
and the price of Ray Bans and all the White Walkers
who’ve fallen
for Trump)
so there I was
in the car without Helen and
the car was operating on E
because I’d forgotten I’d needed gas
the last time I drove it
so I turned right into the first station that popped
out of the horizon which happened to be located
smacked feet first in the middle
of the main parking lot of
the Flatirons Church
or the gas station was there first I suppose, and over time
the church had just consumed the mass of land surrounding it
like a blizzard consumes safe driving conditions
or how you can’t believe it’s not butter?
Well, that makes two of us
I checked the clock before exiting the car and committing
and I’d figured it was safe because I was consciously traveling
during the quiet period between sermons
when the streets were quiet between slaughters
I was traveling between the 9
and 11 a.m. shows
I should’ve had a good 20 minutes
before the 9 o’clock hounds were let go
and the 11 a.m. hordes choked the streets
dead with their sheer mass and their travel
I wasn’t being reckless, Helen
I wasn’t being like you or I used to be
I’d fucking planned this whole cat food/burrito journey out, damn it!
almost a full half hour before reluctantly
stepping out of the
house
(cue guitar riff from Dokken’s Dream Warriors: now)
but that planning didn’t stop what happened
after I stepped out of the car
that planning didn’t stop what happened next
(“I’m standing in the night alone!/for-EV-er!/toGETH-ER!”—Don Dokken)
I got out of the car and looked up
because when you get out of a car, that’s generally
the next step, ain’t it? How else are you gonna know
where you’re going?
You look up
so I looked up and I saw an entire army of movable bodies
pouring out of every orifice that church
had ever had built in it
a good damn 20 minutes ahead of schedule!
Did the house band decide to perform the slightly shorter
Pink Floyd song this week?
I mean, literally HORDES of people
a couple thousand of em’ maybe!
and every one of them heading
towards the parking
lot
that lot being the only thing that was standing between us
at the time, myself and that horde, an amount of traversable space
that would be traversed in the matter of minutes
(“Mee-nuts, Captain! Mee, nuts”—modern day movie Scotty, r.i.p.)
which means I had only minutes to get out of there
I could’ve made it, if I’d just jumped in the car
(do you see that, Helen. if you can jump in the car
but you don’t jump in the car, well, there are consequences
King in the North! inspired consequences #direwolves #sadFace #Boremeer)
I could’ve just jumped in the car
but the car was out of gas
and the crowd was getting closer
another two minutes and they’d be upon me
could I realistically choose the pay at the pump option
and get enough gas in my car to not be ridiculous
and get the hell out of there
in 2 minutes or less?
I didn’t know
I just did it
(#Kirk,out)
I swiped the card and entered my
very specific pin code
and I declined the offer of a car wash
and no, time is important here!
I wouldn’t be needing a bloody receipt!
and after getting the card approved go ahead
I pulled the gas nozzle out of the gas nozzle holder thingy
like I was unsheathing a valerian sword
and then I started laughing
until I started pretending to be
super serious
I turned dramatically on purpose
and stood there posed with the nozzle
just like Jon Snow was standing
when he stood down Ramsey’s entire goddamn army
in last week’s Bastard vs. Bastard episode
of Game of Thrones
I stood there all stoic, with the camera behind me
pumping gas as bravely as possible
as the horde crashed my way exactly like things happen
on Game of Thrones style
and Don Dokken just kept
on screaming
Can I be honest?
I want to smack things
when people say shit like
‘Can I be honest’
but let’s face it
(I’m actually not all that fond of
that phrase either)
I was pretty sure I wasn’t going
to make it
so did I make it?
did I actually survive?
I don’t know, I mean
(sentence deleted)
we’ll all just have to tune in
next week to
find out
(written while listening to Dokken)
Mount
9 Sep 
mount
There may be no word for ‘thank you’ in Dathraki
but there are almost 147 different ways to
say ‘mount’
15 Things I Learned While Watching: Commercials Last Night on Digital-Antenna TV
25 Jun 
15 Things I Learned While Watching: Commercials Last Night on Digital-Antenna TV
1. The Plot: When Helen left she took a lot of things with her, including the cable TV. Post-Helen I’ve thought about having the damn thing re-installed, but the whole idea of choosing a cable provider and talking to them on the goddamn phone or whatever you have to do these days in order to watch Game Of Thrones in a timely fucking fashion seems exhausting. The price is just too damn high, so who needs it? As far as Helen goes, we’ll always have Comcast. Alone, I get by with one of those little antenna converter boxes. I get around 20 channels. Half of those are in Spanish and I don’t understand them, so let’s call it 10. Out of those 10 there are 2 channels that play old movies and 1970’s TV shows. So mostly, I watch them. The reception’s pretty good, unless one of the cats happens to walk between the couch and the TV. For some reason a movement such as this tends to fuck with the signal. The screen goes all twitchy. But you get used to that. (the cats tend to walk between the couch and the TV a lot). Last night channel 2 was running a mini Burn Notice marathon, and in between all the burnt spy action they played a lot of commercials. Apparently:
2, Dunkin Donuts’ new blend of chocolate donut coffee is so good it will almost make you cum in your pants
3, Snapple is made from the best stuff on Earth, ergo: Late 70’s era Linda Carter. Apparently Snapple slipped onto the Wonder Woman set shortly before the series was canceled and obtained a DNA sample of the invisible jet flying goddess and, after laborious trial and error, perfected a system which allowed them to clone her. They’ve made thousands of copies which they then chop up or whatever the secret curing process is, and with these cloned choppings they make tea.
4. Finding the perfect shoes at outrageously low prices will almost make you cum in your pants
5. According to Ford the outside world is ‘360 degrees of chaos’. There’s no arguing about that.
6. The Channel 2 News Team, they get along amazingly well with each other and shit standing up
7. Olive oil makes mayonnaise ok to eat. Meaning it re-invents mayo’s image as a fat-creating-bastard to a point at which it becomes healthier somehow. Healthier than it used to be. Also, eating olive oil enhanced mayonnaise will almost make you cum in your pants.
8. Now available for download: The RunPee app. Even though it sounds made up, it’s a totally real thing. As real as anything can be anyway (see: The complete writings of Philip K Dick). When you’re watching a movie and find yourself having to pee, this app will suggest to you the best time to get up and relieve yourself (urine-ally).
9. Smoke em if you got em, but personally I don’t need technology to tell me when to piss in a movie theater. Example: I was at the movies last week watching The Fault In Our Stars, and shortly after finishing off a large grape flavored Mellow Yellow Zero felt ‘the urge’ so to speak, but having previously read the book version of Fault I waited until the lung-fucked heroine was at the Ann Frank museum, where she encountered a tall flight of stairs. Being that climbing stairs is difficult for her, I chose this moment to get up and take a leak. When I got back, she was still climbing the damn stairs. Ergo: I missed nothing!
10. I should create a competing app, call it TakeYourTimePiss. Using this app you’ll find helpful suggestions like: If you’re watching the new Tom Cruise sci-fi movie version of the book All You Need Is Kill, anytime you see Tom Cruise walk onto the screen; consider it a good time to take a piss.
11. There are websites devoted entirely to helping car owners pick out new tires. When the owner finds the tires they like and realize how much money they’re about to save by purchasing them, they cum in their pants.
12. Sarah Michelle Geller’s new sitcom has been canceled. On a different but also almost related topic, if I was fucking Sarah Michelle Geller I imagine we’d have this deal where if I scream out or even mumble the word ‘Buffy’ during sex I’ll have to throw a dollar in a jar, like a swear jar, only way more fun.
13. I was distracted. What was that one supposed to be about? The commercial with the animated butterfly tough talking an aggravated flower…had something to do with lavender and embryonic fluid. If you don’t start taking this stuff immediately your life will continue to suck.
14. McDonalds is tired of making hamburgers and has decided to open a chain of chemically enhanced brothels. The sex will be cheap and unsatisfying, but in order to fool the customer into thinking they’ve had a good time the prostitutes will be injected with chemicals that, for a brief period, manage to fool you into thinking you really enjoyed your shitty McFuck.
15. Razors today require flex balls. If your razor doesn’t have flex balls, you probably aren’t cumming in your pants.
