Tag Archives: Game Of Thrones

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan

 

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

 

my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where

 

we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them

 

until the correct spellings came out

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I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)

16 Nov

trump-nov

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)

 

Because, fuck him

with his Confederate flag embracing

Putin loving

sexist

homophobia

his shitty fucking children

and his goddamn wall

 

What the fuck are you doing America?!

Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!

 

And everything’s wasted

And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel

The thought process involved with this orangish Fuhrer

and his army

Of Trump loving supporters

Is driving me mad too

 

Paraphrasing Deadwood:

In a country in which the president elect can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..

 

Or paraphrasing Melania: (because according to her everything

Donald does that’s all encompassingly horrible

isn’t his fault) The Billy Bush made him do it!

 

Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Assholes

(In order of those most responsible)

Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!

And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:

“nooooooooooooooo.”

When a Republican wins the election Democrats stock up

on birth control and when a Democrat wins the election

Republicans stock up on guns

 

and it’s too much madness right now

 

Tonight I’m tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!

 

My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins

 

So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too

 

I’ve got a house full of broken hearted action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their lady-bits grabbed

Simply because they’re within stubby handed reach

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat

 

Because: This space is a diverse space

In this space we love stuff

even though that stuff almost never loves us back

 

Conservative action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

 

Trump wants top level security clearance

for his horrible

shitty

hair gel’d kids

 

Trump just appointed a white supremacist

to be his Godfather Robert Duval

Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better

 

Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic

His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable

His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude

 

Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”

 

Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for a week now since the election

Screaming I found a signal dammit, why weren’t you listening?!

They were using our own satellites

against us again and all that

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”

 

But it is done. It’s fucking done.

And seriously, I knew it could probably happen

but I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes and……

No wait, sorry, wrong story

 

Helen,     I mean Donald

 

Donald,

 

I mean I never thought we’d get to the point

where you’d be where the fuck your are

President of an entire country

I never thought we’d get here

But here has been gotten to

 

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it

 

Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight I am DJ Inconsolable

And I’m not the only one

 

Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “Didn’t I warn you?”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile the un-reality

of the rise to power of a reality TV douchbag with the fact

That it’s last name is Doo

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game Of Thrones And Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It

18 Oct

the-wall-one

 

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It

 

Because, fuck him

 

He’s got a scathingly high percentage of people

Hopped up on false laxatives and embryonic fear

And they’re chasing it with a mix of draconian prejudices

Garnished with a 3 inch stalk of celery that hates women

Or a radicalized handful of Skittles because

 

Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!

 

 

And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel

 

The thought process involved with this army

Of Donald Trump supporters

Is Driving me mad too

 

Paraphrasing Deadwood:

 

In a country in which the presidential nominee can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..

 

Or paraphrasing Melania: The Billy Bush made him do it!

 

Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Trump

(In order of most responsible)

 

Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!

 

And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

Tonight I’m too tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!

 

My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins

 

So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too

 

I’ve got a house full of action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their pussies grabbed (is that how you spell the plural of pussy?)

Simply because they’re within tiny handed reach

 

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat

 

Because: This space is a diverse space

 

Right winged action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Dothraki, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

 

Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better

 

Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic

 

His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable

 

His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude

 

Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”

 

Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for weeks now

Screaming “I’ve found a signal that verifies

If Trump’s elected President he’ll fire the current

National Anthem and hire DJ Juicy Bread to write a new one!

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”

 

And seriously, I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes……

No wait, sorry, wrong story

I mean where Trump would be where the fuck he is

With a serious shot at being President

I never thought we’d get to that point

 

But it has been gotten to

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it

 

Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight you can call me DJ Inconsolable

 

And I’m not the only one

 

Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “I thought I’d warned you”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile

 

That it’s last name is Doo

I Live Down The Street From A Church The Size Of The Death Star

29 Jun

game-of-thrones-biggest-battle-01

 

I Live Down The Street From A Church The Size Of The Death Star

 

I live down the street from a church

the size of the Death Star

and on Sundays if the traffic

happened to find itself sucked sky-wise

this traffic

would blot out

the sun

 

and yesterday morning it was Sunday again

(because the church doesn’t have to pay taxes

so it can afford an ark full of lobbyist to ensure

it’s always Sunday again somewhere) and after not leaving

the house for around 56 hours I figured

I should probably

leave the house

 

the cats needed cat food

and I’d run out of fake meat and lettuce

and felt like getting a burrito

that I wouldn’t have

to make

myself

 

so I got in the car

(Helen, you see how easy that is?)

I got in the car

and the car needed gas

and why the hell did it have to be

so goddamn bright outside?

(I blamed the modern state of democracy

and the price of Ray Bans and all the White Walkers

who’ve fallen

for Trump)

 

so there I was

in the car without Helen and

the car was operating on E

because I’d forgotten I’d needed gas

the last time I drove it

 

so I turned right into the first station that popped

out of the horizon which happened to be located

smacked feet first in the middle

of the main parking lot of

the Flatirons Church

 

or the gas station was there first I suppose, and over time

the church had just consumed the mass of land surrounding it

like a blizzard consumes safe driving conditions

or how you can’t believe it’s not butter?

Well, that makes two of us

 

I checked the clock before exiting the car and committing

and I’d figured it was safe because I was consciously traveling

during the quiet period between sermons

 

when the streets were quiet between slaughters

I was traveling between the 9

and 11 a.m. shows

 

I should’ve had a good 20 minutes

before the 9 o’clock hounds were let go

and the 11 a.m. hordes choked the streets

dead with their sheer mass and their travel

 

I wasn’t being reckless, Helen

I wasn’t being like you or I used to be

I’d fucking planned this whole cat food/burrito journey out, damn it!

almost a full half hour before reluctantly

stepping out of the

house

 

(cue guitar riff from Dokken’s Dream Warriors: now)

 

but that planning didn’t stop what happened

after I stepped out of the car

that planning didn’t stop what happened next

(“I’m standing in the night alone!/for-EV-er!/toGETH-ER!”—Don Dokken)

 

I got out of the car and looked up

because when you get out of a car, that’s generally

the next step, ain’t it? How else are you gonna know

where you’re going?

You look up

 

so I looked up and I saw an entire army of movable bodies

pouring out of every orifice that church

had ever had built in it

a good damn 20 minutes ahead of schedule!

Did the house band decide to perform the slightly shorter

Pink Floyd song this week?

I mean, literally HORDES of people

a couple thousand of em’ maybe!

and every one of them heading

towards the parking

lot

 

that lot being the only thing that was standing between us

at the time, myself and that horde, an amount of traversable space

that would be traversed in the matter of minutes

 

(“Mee-nuts, Captain! Mee, nuts”—modern day movie Scotty, r.i.p.)

 

which means I had only minutes to get out of there

I could’ve made it, if I’d just jumped in the car

(do you see that, Helen. if you can jump in the car

but you don’t jump in the car, well, there are consequences

 

King in the North! inspired consequences #direwolves #sadFace #Boremeer)

I could’ve just jumped in the car

but the car was out of gas

and the crowd was getting closer

 

another two minutes and they’d be upon me

could I realistically choose the pay at the pump option

and get enough gas in my car to not be ridiculous

and get the hell out of there

in 2 minutes or less?

 

I didn’t know

I just did it

(#Kirk,out)

I swiped the card and entered my

very specific pin code

and I declined the offer of a car wash

and no, time is important here!

I wouldn’t be needing a bloody receipt!

 

and after getting the card approved go ahead

I pulled the gas nozzle out of the gas nozzle holder thingy

like I was unsheathing a valerian sword

and then I started laughing

until I started pretending to be

super serious

 

I turned dramatically on purpose

and stood there posed with the nozzle

just like Jon Snow was standing

when he stood down Ramsey’s entire goddamn army

in last week’s Bastard vs. Bastard episode

of Game of Thrones

 

I stood there all stoic, with the camera behind me

pumping gas as bravely as possible

as the horde crashed my way exactly like things happen

on Game of Thrones style

and Don Dokken just kept

on screaming

 

Can I be honest?

I want to smack things

when people say shit like

‘Can I be honest’

 

but let’s face it

(I’m actually not all that fond of

that phrase either)

 

I was pretty sure I wasn’t going

to make it

so did I make it?

did I actually survive?

 

I don’t know, I mean

(sentence deleted)

 

we’ll all just have to tune in

next week to

find out

 

 

 

(written while listening to Dokken)

Mount

9 Sep

                 dothraki

mount

There may be no word for ‘thank you’ in Dathraki
but there are almost 147 different ways to
say ‘mount’

15 Things I Learned While Watching: Commercials Last Night on Digital-Antenna TV

25 Jun

                                Hot-Sarah-Michelle-Gellar-Wallpapers

15 Things I Learned While Watching: Commercials Last Night on Digital-Antenna TV

1. The Plot: When Helen left she took a lot of things with her, including the cable TV. Post-Helen I’ve thought about having the damn thing re-installed, but the whole idea of choosing a cable provider and talking to them on the goddamn phone or whatever you have to do these days in order to watch Game Of Thrones in a timely fucking fashion seems exhausting.  The price is just too damn high, so who needs it? As far as Helen goes, we’ll always have Comcast. Alone, I get by with one of those little antenna converter boxes. I get around 20 channels. Half of those are in Spanish and I don’t understand them, so let’s call it 10. Out of those 10 there are 2 channels that play old movies and 1970’s TV shows. So mostly, I watch them. The reception’s pretty good, unless one of the cats happens to walk between the couch and the TV. For some reason a movement such as this tends to fuck with the signal. The screen goes all twitchy. But you get used to that. (the cats tend to walk between the couch and the TV a lot). Last night channel 2 was running a mini Burn Notice marathon, and in between all the burnt spy action they played a lot of commercials. Apparently:

2, Dunkin Donuts’ new blend of chocolate donut coffee is so good it will almost make you cum in your pants

3, Snapple is made from the best stuff on Earth, ergo: Late 70’s era Linda Carter. Apparently Snapple slipped onto the Wonder Woman set shortly before the series was canceled and obtained a DNA sample of the invisible jet flying goddess and, after laborious trial and error, perfected a system which allowed them to clone her. They’ve made thousands of copies which they then chop up or whatever the secret curing process is, and with these cloned choppings they make tea.

4. Finding the perfect shoes at outrageously low prices will almost make you cum in your pants

5. According to Ford the outside world is ‘360 degrees of chaos’. There’s no arguing about that.

6. The Channel 2 News Team, they get along amazingly well with each other and shit standing up

7. Olive oil makes mayonnaise ok to eat. Meaning it re-invents mayo’s image as a fat-creating-bastard to a point at which it becomes healthier somehow. Healthier than it used to be. Also, eating olive oil enhanced mayonnaise will almost make you cum in your pants.

8. Now available for download: The RunPee app. Even though it sounds made up, it’s a totally real thing. As real as anything can be anyway (see: The complete writings of Philip K Dick). When you’re watching a movie and find yourself having to pee, this app will suggest to you the best time to get up and relieve yourself (urine-ally).

9. Smoke em if you got em, but personally I don’t need technology to tell me when to piss in a movie theater. Example: I was at the movies last week watching The Fault In Our Stars, and shortly after finishing off a large grape flavored Mellow Yellow Zero felt ‘the urge’ so to speak, but having previously read the book version of Fault I waited until the lung-fucked heroine was at the Ann Frank museum, where she encountered a tall flight of stairs. Being that climbing stairs is difficult for her, I chose this moment to get up and take a leak. When I got back, she was still climbing the damn stairs. Ergo: I missed nothing!

10. I should create a competing app, call it TakeYourTimePiss. Using this app you’ll find helpful suggestions like: If you’re watching the new Tom Cruise sci-fi movie version of the book All You Need Is Kill, anytime you see Tom Cruise walk onto the screen; consider it a good time to take a piss.

11. There are websites devoted entirely to helping car owners pick out new tires. When the owner finds the tires they like and realize how much money they’re about to save by purchasing them, they cum in their pants.

12. Sarah Michelle Geller’s new sitcom has been canceled. On a different but also almost related topic, if I was fucking Sarah Michelle Geller I imagine we’d have this deal where if I scream out or even mumble the word ‘Buffy’ during sex I’ll have to throw a dollar in a jar, like a swear jar, only way more fun.

13. I was distracted. What was that one supposed to be about? The commercial with the animated butterfly tough talking an aggravated flower…had something to do with lavender and embryonic fluid. If you don’t start taking this stuff immediately your life will continue to suck.

14. McDonalds is tired of making hamburgers and has decided to open a chain of chemically enhanced brothels. The sex will be cheap and unsatisfying, but in order to fool the customer into thinking they’ve had a good time the prostitutes will be injected with chemicals that, for a brief period, manage to fool you into thinking you really enjoyed your shitty McFuck. 

15. Razors today require flex balls. If your razor doesn’t have flex balls, you probably aren’t cumming in your pants.