Tag Archives: grief

A Month Without Nickel

9 Mar

A Month Without Nickel

 

Sleep is an old vacuum cleaner from the 1950’s

The kind they used to sell door to door

Most now buried and the ones still around

Don’t really work anymore

 

And when I do sleep

The dreams eat all the floors

Until I wake up perpetually exhausted again

With no safe place left to stand

 

I miss everything about her

Even the things that used to piss me off

 

I miss her reverse Hitler mustache

And the way she’d leave old action figure twist ties

And other random shit like ham in the middle of my futon

For me to find when I returned home from work on the weekdays

 

I miss the way she used to follow me everywhere

When I was in a bad mood and she’s slap her paw

Against me face every time my face needed slapping

 

In that way she had

That seemed to say

Hey, we’re alive

 

Life is hard

But we’ve got each other

Cat logic goddamn it

We’re gonna be ok

 

I don’t have that anymore

I’ve lost my best friend

And that reassurance that came

With the two of us simply

Being together in the same room

 

I miss the way she’d crawl beneath the blankets

On the long nights when my mind was surrounded

By all the beautiful things that have left me

 

I miss the way she’d chase me up the stairs

And I miss the way she’d manage to break into the basement

And I miss the way she’d scream for cat treats

At the top of her lungs when she was breathing

 

Nickel,

 

I miss you so much

That I have a hard time believing that you’re gone

And fuck I’m so sorry

I took you for granted

When I took you that way

 

Like we tend to take

All the things that keep us going

For granted

 

You’re buried in the back yard now

 

And I’m whatever I am

And I am now also the backyard

You’re buried in me

 

And I will carry you until

Until my legs turn to dust

And then I’ll carry you some more

 

Because fuck it

Death cannot stop us

Because I refuse to let it

 

And I know

Wherever you are

That you refuse to let it

To stop you too

 

And p.s. also

Shutter Island also misses you madly

And says: hello

 

Advertisements

Love is Like Watching Games 3 through 6 of the NBA Finals When You’re Rooting for Cleveland

21 Jun

lebron-james-nba-playoffs-golden-state-warriors-cleveland-cavaliers2-590x900

Love is Like Watching Games 3 through 6 of the NBA Finals

When You’re Rooting for Cleveland

 

I didn’t care

about the NBA Finals

this year

or any year

 

but Jonny and Shayna did

so they came over to my place last week

and we watched basketball

 

Cleveland had LeBron James back

after he’d left them

(which sounded insane to me!

because they never come back!)

and he was trying his hardest to make it up

to Cleveland for leaving

by winning them the title of

Best Basketball Team In The NBA

 

and I thought, SHIT!

because:

 

This wasn’t just a game!

This was James waging

a war against

 

Leaving! and Heartbreak!

and all the other forces

that exist for the sole purpose

of pissing on Love!

 

and because of this

I found myself

immediately invested

 

This thing had become important!

This thing represented goddamn

everything!

 

It was a war of the Heartbroken

fighting their way back

to falling in Love

 

and Game 3 was like

that first date

 

I was terrified until I was nervous

and then the next thing I knew

I was drunk and I couldn’t stop smelling her hair

or cease smiling

and we liked all the same things

and had both read Don Quixote

 

it was perfect and it was beautiful and

the night loomed until

it ran out of looming

 

and when it was over

Cleveland had pulled it off!

The armies of Leaving were on the run!

 

and when I woke up the next morning

I had sex beard and the Morning had sex hair

and my dick felt like it’d been lifting weights all night

and the world was no longer

made out of doom

 

During those days between games

3 and 4 I felt bulletproof

and mighty

instead of heart whipped

and broken

 

Our army was winning!

And winning was fun!

 

but then Game 4 came around

and Cleveland lost this time

 

and then Game 5 came around

and Cleveland lost even harder

 

and by the time Game 6 swooped in

our little rebellion was already

gut-shot and outgunned

 

and the war was lost

only 3 games after it had started

 

and I thought to myself: fuck

 

love is Game 3

followed by heartbreak

followed by horror

followed by grief