Tag Archives: Hitler

Hitler Dick

10 Dec


Hitler Dick


Somebody’s beating the hell out of

the soda machine

because it took their money

and then didn’t give them a soda back


That’s the civilized agreement we have with these things

money goes in the machine

and the soda come out

but that didn’t happen this time


it almost never happens that way anymore

that machine’s all fucked up

it takes the money and keeps the soda


that’s how machines work now in the Trumpverse

there’s no compassion, vegan decency, or common sense

civility’s been Shake N Baked and the die hards are voting for death

while the rest of us stand around gasping in dirty pajamas and horror

(if you were wondering about why the machine….)

that’s why somebody’s beating the hell out of it


These things can’t be allowed to continue in such manners

Roy Moore is standing at the plate, freeballing America

fuck you, baseball season

That machine has got to go


You put your money in and

Hell comes out

but no soda

and no money

all that beating and nothing, no change


Everyone’s crazy

Everyone’s misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall

and forgetting about Emilio Estevez

Everyone’s dying behind porch light

and fucking beneath iphone blankets

Everyone’s gloating or shamed


and that goddamn machine keeps taking all the money

giving back empty space where the promise of actual soda’s

supposed to be


I get thirsty, just thinking about it


Sometimes everything you have is just 75 cents

and when you invest everything you’ve got into something

and that something tells you to fuck off

using the language of silence and empty space

or the actual words


it’s easy to go nuts

such things accelerate the plunge


That was everything I’ve got!

you scream at the machine

Give me something back!


While the machine just stands there with its soul castrated

says nothing

everything is religiously followed and meaningless

everything is nothing


and because it’s all nothing

the machine’s decided

you don’t need that soda

or companionship

or love


that stuff is for people who think like the machine tells them to think

you don’t think like the machine thinks

ergo: you don’t deserve that shit


Fuck you and your 75 cents worth of everything

You never properly earned that 75 cents in the first place

so I’ve taken it back

and you’re not getting your soda

because the soda doesn’t want you anymore


so go off and go cry/weep for a long time about that


I’d maybe offer you water

but I don’t have any water on me

and the water that I have got

I wouldn’t give it to you anyway

so that would just be mean of me

the machine says

to offer you something I’ve never intended to give you

but screw it, you look so sad


Would you like some water?


Yes please, we all whisper to the machine at different times

guts cried out and pissed upon

protesting between old shoe boxes

sweating out hard rage and madness and fumes


Sorry, I don’t have any water

the machine reports back

no water for you

All the water these days has been set aside

for rich real estate assholes with bad credit and

grown men who’ve been banned from the mall


in a reality like this, everything just goes spinning


Titanic is the Karate Kid of floating boat movies

Float on

Float off


So long, Jack


Their lives together put a down payment

on a shower curtain

and when they divorced

two bathroom floors

took turns

being wet


while whoever was beating that soda machine

kept beating

because they’d just put everything they’d had in it

and nothing came out


they kept beating


ker crunch pop



and I sat there in a room just down the hall, screaming


Get that motherfucker

Hating everything is not a sustainable life style!

It’s their turn now

(I’m so fucking lonely)


Take em’ down!

Crotch punch it in the swastika

Hitler’s dick won’t win tonight!


(I want my Diet Coke!)


Get em!


Were You Watching That, Helen

14 Nov

shia lb


Were You Watching That, Helen


It must’ve been cold in that theater

where Shia LaBeouf watched 72 hours of his own movies

in a row—with his t-shirt under a grey hoody under some

enormous army store jacket eating what appeared to be candy coated


cocaine out of a small soda cup and every once in a while

between moments of almost sleeping he cracked a smile

or scratched his nose or threw his hood on and silently farted

Were you watching that, Helen?



Did you see the medium-close framed selections

of optional human emotions that have been on display here

electronically over the past 3 days?


Or were you otherwise occupied

by I don’t know, whatever the fuck it is that otherwise occupies

you these days. How would I know?! Yes. How would I know?


I took herbal Viagra last night and my dick stalled straight like it was a Nazi

standing for 3 hours in front of Hitler despite the fact that my dick

is not a Nazi. But you already know that, right? I mean, your vagina

was from Poland. And my dick was on board with that


Shia LaBeouf has a facial expression for our situation

I’m not sure if you caught it. It happened around 58 minutes inside

his detached dude re-watching of Holes or was it Disturbia

or that goddamn time he swung through the trees with monkeys


like he was purposely trying to destroy the legacy of Indiana Jones

Either way, tonight I’m smoking alone and cooking a pizza

Tonight you’re building your new life on the carcass of our old


battle field and tonight Shia LaBeouf’s probably falling asleep

while taking a shit on some pretty chick he met at the movie theater’s

orange toilet. With his mouth filled with forgottenly chewed bologna

because that’s how things roll