Tag Archives: Jewel

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan


My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams


my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where


we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them


until the correct spellings came out


Me Too Night at Love Shovel Ranch Poem

17 Jul


Me Too Night at Love Shovel Ranch Poem

for Jonathan Montgomery, inventor of Me Too Poetics, Marcus If, inventor of Love Shovel Ranch, and Jewel


Reality makes no sense to me!

Nothingness is just another shit bar

Death is a bad pick up line


I’m sorry about damn near everything!


I walk out the door most days

as if the morning was a goddamn arctic sled race

and somebody’s just murdered all my dogs


I’m always alone!


I find it almost impossible to talk to women I want to sleep with

and I find it almost more impossible to talk to the women I don’t


I haven’t slept in years!


and when I do sleep

I wake up every 45 minutes

because everything I’ve ever lost

haunts me and post all this leaving

I’m so goddamned broken

I find it impossible

to accept other people’s love


I watch people in love

like I’m watching a big budget

dinosaur movie that’s lost

its 3rd act

there’s no happy ending in which

some of the characters

make it through

to the end


everything’s pre and post shoe drop

the dangerous set up

followed by an endless

digital film parade

of chaos and extinct

monsters devouring everything individually

and prehistorical butt plugs

and rage-y type doom


I feel like my atoms

are held together with

dollar store duct tape

every time I’m required

to socialize


I’m so fucking lost!


the other day

I watched a bus leave a bird

behind at a bus stop because the bird

didn’t have correct change

or maybe it had change

but couldn’t carry it to the bus stop


in which case the bus left the bird

because it didn’t have pockets


and that’s a horrible reason

to leave something


but still a better reason

than most of us are given


we are

the pocket lonely

and left


I’ve never fucked

a ferris wheel

and this morning

I have to admit:

I regret this


Back in high school I once fooled around

with an older girl who went to Ferris College

but that’s not really the same thing


unless fucking a ferris wheel

is like making out with a girl who’d

just won first place in the college lip syncing contest

for looking exactly like the lead singer from Vixen


I’m so fucking pathetic!


When Tundji left town

he gave me all his porn

a small box of dvds


but when I watched it

it felt weird

jerking off to porn that Tundji’d

already jerked off to


it felt weird

like Marty McFly traveling all the way back in time

just to make out with his mom in Back To The Future


but in the end

I jerked off anyway

it was weird, but I jerked off

because what else

are we supposed to



Last night I had a dream

I went to a football game

in the 1990’s

and ended up hanging out

with Mick Jagger


and we got drunk

and he promised to publish

my new novel


but then he sort of got distracted

by this enormous indoor tire swing

and I stood there thinking


gosh, his purple shirt is so shiny

and he seems to be enjoying that tire swing

so much

he’s probably already forgotten every promise

he’s ever said to me


I can’t compete with a tire swing


So much for my book


The other night I was watching the movie

Interstellar for the 39th time

and I couldn’t stop thinking

It’s so unfair

nobody ever pays attention

to the kid in the movie

who grows up to be Casey Affleck


and I thought, Helen


her love was like that,

she loved me as if I were a child

pretending to be a younger version

of Casey Affleck


and I felt so sad! So sat that

I was sitting around on my couch the other day

and for ten solid minutes I couldn’t get it out

of my head, Nobody says butt fuck anymore


or if they do, I ain’t hearing it

when we were kids

we said butt fuck all the time

not because we knew what it meant, but

because it was fun to say


Butt fuck! Helen! Butt fuck!


I’m so fucking divorced right now!


I still remember when Helen had left

to think things over for a couple months

and she eventually called me from the east coast

and told me she wanted a divorce


I totally Han Solo’d her

unplanned and spontaneous

voice calm as hell


Helen: I want a divorce.

Me: I know.


It seemed like the only 2 words

in the world at the time

The only proper response


I’m so fucking anti-social!


I’ve gone four day in a row

where the only person I talked to

the entire time was the bartender

at Chilis


I’m so fucking hungry!


If you’d have told my 17yr old hopeless romantic

and clean faced self

that he’d turn into a middle aged

bearded hermit afraid of love


he would’ve told you

to go fuck yourself


but when you tell Jewel the same news

she’s way more polite about it



taking the dick out of Emily Dickenson

for shit, almost 40 years


love is a log cabin

and when they leave

they take all the logs


I was sitting at the Outback

the other day writing

and a pretty lady came over

and started to talk to me

and her boobs were perfect

the way the movie Mad Max Fury Road was perfect

the only difference being Fury Road

was one movie

and in the case of her boobs

there were two


and I could tell that she was into me maybe

but I’m so fucking bad at picking up women

right now that the only thing I could think

to say to her was:

Talking to you right now is really depressing me.


so I said it

and of course

she left


I’m so fucking confused!


I was in Walmart this morning

and they were selling Amish Potato Salad

and I was like, what the fuck is Amish Potato Salad?


and then I thought who cares and started making up

advertising catch phrases in my head

for Amish Potato salad because when you’re alone

most of the time you have to find various ways

to pass the time and entertain yourself


instead of having a girlfriend

I invent slogans for Amish Potato salad

like Amish Potato Salad:

this potato salad

is not a fan of electricity

or the way Harrison Ford is looking

at that young boy’s mom





I was at the Lafayette Chilis again around 5:10 p.m. on a Wednesday

sitting at the bar and this woman walked in


and she was pretty and she sat next to me

exactly in that order


I was waiting for a black bean burger

to go and someone to love me


She was picking up food to go too


She paid with her credit card

just like I’d paid with my credit card

we had so much in common!


until our to go orders

showed up at the same time

her bag was enormous

and obviously filled with

food for herself and

somebody else

probably her boyfriend


and my tiny plastic

bag the size of one

solo veggie burger

obviously enunciated

that I was alone


Her bag screamed:


I’m in a committed relationship

We eat Chilis to go together once a week

and have sex in between the 3rd and 4th commercial break

of America’s Got Talent every Wednesday night


My bag screamed:


I have loved deeper than space time and continuums

but now I’m obviously

broken and alone




(for more about Jonathan Montgomery and Me Too poetics visit jonathan-montgomery.com
for more about Love Shovel Ranch visit Love Shovel Ranch. or go to their website loveshovelranch.com
for more about Jewel visit Idon’tReallyKnowJewel)

Infinity, Jewel (part 3)

4 Jul


Infinity, Jewel (part 3)

(for the 4th of July)


sitting at his computer

on the 4th of July

staring through Facebook

at a picture


of the pop star posing

at the bow of the boat

while wearing a bikini


he pretended that he

wasn’t just staring at a picture

he pretended that he was Skyping

with Jewel


she swore that she missed him

and that she’d be home soon


and he told her that he was no Christian Grey

“Enjoy yourself. I’m fine.

It’s not like I’m secretly

plotting to chart a plane


to come find you because

I’m narcissistically needy

and don’t trust you.


Take your time. I’ve got plenty of things

to do around here. I’ll see you when

you get back.


I love you.”


and despite the fact that she looked

almost sunburned, Jewel confessed

that she loved him too


after closing down their Skype connection

or however that works

the man turned from his laptop


and walked over to say hello to the blu ray player

that also played dvd’s


he put in the 30th anniversary edition

of Jaws on its 40th birthday


because he felt like being around people

without all the going-out-hassles

of being around people


watching Jaws was the closest thing

he’d come to hanging out at the beach

in years


and there’s nothing wrong with that!


Jewel isn’t ignoring his phone calls

because he’s never called her, and besides that

she’s real busy


I mean, happy birthday


you’re still fuckable


he thought to himself

before grabbing the most recent copy

of US magazine while wondering


about the environment

and walking upstairs

to take a bath

Infinity, Jewel (pt 2)

22 Jun


Infinity, Jewel (pt 2)


They worked all day

and when they got home

he turned on his laptop


and Jewel decorated a Christmas tree

even though they were damn near

dead center in the middle of December’s

demise & its eventual

return to existence


(ergo: it’d just fucking turned June)


He asked Jewel about her day

and she asked him if he’d noticed

a Santa-hat-wearin’ angel

flopping around here somewhere


it’d either followed Kirk Cameron’s

crazy film career back to heaven

or maybe it just fell out of the box


She didn’t know


He’d lost angels before

so he didn’t take the missing



He promised to help her

look for it but before his promise

could clear his lips shuttle bay doors


Jewel’d already abandoned the tree

and everything decorative

that went along with it


instead of strategically placing tinsel

Jewel sat on the couch with a brazed look

on her face as if she’d awakened


to find: 1. she’d kill a man

  1. She’d wasted an unbearable amount

of her life ordering hand lotion online

  1. Hoopastank was more than just a bad dream


“What have I done?” Jewel whispered


the man mistook her words

for a tricycle

and began to ride


the verbal regret

of Jewel’s own inner horror

around the room

in a combination of both circles

and semi-circles










and maybe it worked

and maybe it didn’t


“I had a dream last night that

you were taking medication for your

anxiety and there were side effects


strange side effects”

Jewel said


The medication caused him to cum bacon.


He wasn’t quite sure how to take that


He tried to arrange her dream into

another tricycle, but the damn thing

refused to hold together


with the night slopped up against the moon


Jewel walked out of the living room

her footsteps grounded like flowers


as he sat there


specific pop songs


in a pile of his own bacon

and empty pill bottles


and cum

Infinity, Jewel

1 Jun



Infinity, Jewel




…in the picture

Jewel was wearing a shirt

that said

Who Will

Save Your Soul?

but the way the text was laid out

he read it as


Who Will

ave Your Soul?


and was like

What the fuck does that mean?



he was intoxicated

and lonely

and the ‘S’ was

hiding on the other side


of her chest…





He doesn’t remember how it happened

but he can remember it happened



as if he had no choice in the matter

even though if he’d been given that choice

he would’ve more than most likely responded:




it happened

just like it happened

when it happened


just like that


and the next morning he woke up in bed,

rolled over,

and he was Facebook friends

with Jewel


they had breakfast together


he made omelets

they ‘liked’ a few links

posted by Scientific American


and during the whole time

in which this happened


he was thinking they’d had sex

the previous night

but what they’d really done

was simultaneously share a particularly

vibrant quote by Jules Verne


he’d made a dumb joke about her middle name

being Vern

even though it wasn’t


and they’d ate/eaten

the rest of their breakfast

in silence


and then Jewel got up

and left

but before leaving


she turned to him

and smiled like a recent photo

of herself standing in Aspen



for the purpose

of skiing


and she whispered something

about the Big Bang being

a sunburn


and what comes after

pealed skin


and then his roommate

walked in on the whole thing

and requested she sing


What If God Was One Of Us


and Jewel was like

I didn’t write that song


and I was like,


so ends part one…