Tag Archives: Jewel

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

11 Jan

 

My Foot Fell Asleep And It’s Having Those Dreams

 

my foot fell asleep

and it’s having those dreams again, where

 

we alphabetized all our typos

and did sex stuff in front of them

 

until the correct spellings came out

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Me Too Night at Love Shovel Ranch Poem

17 Jul

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Me Too Night at Love Shovel Ranch Poem

for Jonathan Montgomery, inventor of Me Too Poetics, Marcus If, inventor of Love Shovel Ranch, and Jewel

 

Reality makes no sense to me!

Nothingness is just another shit bar

Death is a bad pick up line

 

I’m sorry about damn near everything!

 

I walk out the door most days

as if the morning was a goddamn arctic sled race

and somebody’s just murdered all my dogs

 

I’m always alone!

 

I find it almost impossible to talk to women I want to sleep with

and I find it almost more impossible to talk to the women I don’t

 

I haven’t slept in years!

 

and when I do sleep

I wake up every 45 minutes

because everything I’ve ever lost

haunts me and post all this leaving

I’m so goddamned broken

I find it impossible

to accept other people’s love

 

I watch people in love

like I’m watching a big budget

dinosaur movie that’s lost

its 3rd act

there’s no happy ending in which

some of the characters

make it through

to the end

 

everything’s pre and post shoe drop

the dangerous set up

followed by an endless

digital film parade

of chaos and extinct

monsters devouring everything individually

and prehistorical butt plugs

and rage-y type doom

 

I feel like my atoms

are held together with

dollar store duct tape

every time I’m required

to socialize

 

I’m so fucking lost!

 

the other day

I watched a bus leave a bird

behind at a bus stop because the bird

didn’t have correct change

or maybe it had change

but couldn’t carry it to the bus stop

 

in which case the bus left the bird

because it didn’t have pockets

 

and that’s a horrible reason

to leave something

 

but still a better reason

than most of us are given

 

we are

the pocket lonely

and left

 

I’ve never fucked

a ferris wheel

and this morning

I have to admit:

I regret this

 

Back in high school I once fooled around

with an older girl who went to Ferris College

but that’s not really the same thing

 

unless fucking a ferris wheel

is like making out with a girl who’d

just won first place in the college lip syncing contest

for looking exactly like the lead singer from Vixen

 

I’m so fucking pathetic!

 

When Tundji left town

he gave me all his porn

a small box of dvds

 

but when I watched it

it felt weird

jerking off to porn that Tundji’d

already jerked off to

 

it felt weird

like Marty McFly traveling all the way back in time

just to make out with his mom in Back To The Future

 

but in the end

I jerked off anyway

it was weird, but I jerked off

because what else

are we supposed to

do?

 

Last night I had a dream

I went to a football game

in the 1990’s

and ended up hanging out

with Mick Jagger

 

and we got drunk

and he promised to publish

my new novel

 

but then he sort of got distracted

by this enormous indoor tire swing

and I stood there thinking

 

gosh, his purple shirt is so shiny

and he seems to be enjoying that tire swing

so much

he’s probably already forgotten every promise

he’s ever said to me

 

I can’t compete with a tire swing

So,

So much for my book

 

The other night I was watching the movie

Interstellar for the 39th time

and I couldn’t stop thinking

It’s so unfair

nobody ever pays attention

to the kid in the movie

who grows up to be Casey Affleck

 

and I thought, Helen

 

her love was like that,

she loved me as if I were a child

pretending to be a younger version

of Casey Affleck

 

and I felt so sad! So sat that

I was sitting around on my couch the other day

and for ten solid minutes I couldn’t get it out

of my head, Nobody says butt fuck anymore

 

or if they do, I ain’t hearing it

when we were kids

we said butt fuck all the time

not because we knew what it meant, but

because it was fun to say

 

Butt fuck! Helen! Butt fuck!

 

I’m so fucking divorced right now!

 

I still remember when Helen had left

to think things over for a couple months

and she eventually called me from the east coast

and told me she wanted a divorce

 

I totally Han Solo’d her

unplanned and spontaneous

voice calm as hell

 

Helen: I want a divorce.

Me: I know.

 

It seemed like the only 2 words

in the world at the time

The only proper response

 

I’m so fucking anti-social!

 

I’ve gone four day in a row

where the only person I talked to

the entire time was the bartender

at Chilis

 

I’m so fucking hungry!

 

If you’d have told my 17yr old hopeless romantic

and clean faced self

that he’d turn into a middle aged

bearded hermit afraid of love

 

he would’ve told you

to go fuck yourself

 

but when you tell Jewel the same news

she’s way more polite about it

 

Heartbreak!

taking the dick out of Emily Dickenson

for shit, almost 40 years

 

love is a log cabin

and when they leave

they take all the logs

 

I was sitting at the Outback

the other day writing

and a pretty lady came over

and started to talk to me

and her boobs were perfect

the way the movie Mad Max Fury Road was perfect

the only difference being Fury Road

was one movie

and in the case of her boobs

there were two

 

and I could tell that she was into me maybe

but I’m so fucking bad at picking up women

right now that the only thing I could think

to say to her was:

Talking to you right now is really depressing me.

 

so I said it

and of course

she left

 

I’m so fucking confused!

 

I was in Walmart this morning

and they were selling Amish Potato Salad

and I was like, what the fuck is Amish Potato Salad?

 

and then I thought who cares and started making up

advertising catch phrases in my head

for Amish Potato salad because when you’re alone

most of the time you have to find various ways

to pass the time and entertain yourself

 

instead of having a girlfriend

I invent slogans for Amish Potato salad

like Amish Potato Salad:

this potato salad

is not a fan of electricity

or the way Harrison Ford is looking

at that young boy’s mom

 

 

(postscript)

 

I was at the Lafayette Chilis again around 5:10 p.m. on a Wednesday

sitting at the bar and this woman walked in

 

and she was pretty and she sat next to me

exactly in that order

 

I was waiting for a black bean burger

to go and someone to love me

 

She was picking up food to go too

 

She paid with her credit card

just like I’d paid with my credit card

we had so much in common!

 

until our to go orders

showed up at the same time

her bag was enormous

and obviously filled with

food for herself and

somebody else

probably her boyfriend

 

and my tiny plastic

bag the size of one

solo veggie burger

obviously enunciated

that I was alone

 

Her bag screamed:

 

I’m in a committed relationship

We eat Chilis to go together once a week

and have sex in between the 3rd and 4th commercial break

of America’s Got Talent every Wednesday night

 

My bag screamed:

 

I have loved deeper than space time and continuums

but now I’m obviously

broken and alone

 

 

 

(for more about Jonathan Montgomery and Me Too poetics visit jonathan-montgomery.com
for more about Love Shovel Ranch visit Love Shovel Ranch. or go to their website loveshovelranch.com
for more about Jewel visit Idon’tReallyKnowJewel)

Infinity, Jewel (part 3)

4 Jul

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Infinity, Jewel (part 3)

(for the 4th of July)

 

sitting at his computer

on the 4th of July

staring through Facebook

at a picture

 

of the pop star posing

at the bow of the boat

while wearing a bikini

 

he pretended that he

wasn’t just staring at a picture

he pretended that he was Skyping

with Jewel

 

she swore that she missed him

and that she’d be home soon

 

and he told her that he was no Christian Grey

“Enjoy yourself. I’m fine.

It’s not like I’m secretly

plotting to chart a plane

 

to come find you because

I’m narcissistically needy

and don’t trust you.

 

Take your time. I’ve got plenty of things

to do around here. I’ll see you when

you get back.

 

I love you.”

 

and despite the fact that she looked

almost sunburned, Jewel confessed

that she loved him too

 

after closing down their Skype connection

or however that works

the man turned from his laptop

 

and walked over to say hello to the blu ray player

that also played dvd’s

 

he put in the 30th anniversary edition

of Jaws on its 40th birthday

 

because he felt like being around people

without all the going-out-hassles

of being around people

 

watching Jaws was the closest thing

he’d come to hanging out at the beach

in years

 

and there’s nothing wrong with that!

 

Jewel isn’t ignoring his phone calls

because he’s never called her, and besides that

she’s real busy

 

I mean, happy birthday

America!

you’re still fuckable

 

he thought to himself

before grabbing the most recent copy

of US magazine while wondering

 

about the environment

and walking upstairs

to take a bath

Infinity, Jewel (pt 2)

22 Jun

Jewel-jewel-1280808-1400-1050

Infinity, Jewel (pt 2)

 

They worked all day

and when they got home

he turned on his laptop

 

and Jewel decorated a Christmas tree

even though they were damn near

dead center in the middle of December’s

demise & its eventual

return to existence

 

(ergo: it’d just fucking turned June)

 

He asked Jewel about her day

and she asked him if he’d noticed

a Santa-hat-wearin’ angel

flopping around here somewhere

 

it’d either followed Kirk Cameron’s

crazy film career back to heaven

or maybe it just fell out of the box

 

She didn’t know

 

He’d lost angels before

so he didn’t take the missing

lightly

 

He promised to help her

look for it but before his promise

could clear his lips shuttle bay doors

 

Jewel’d already abandoned the tree

and everything decorative

that went along with it

 

instead of strategically placing tinsel

Jewel sat on the couch with a brazed look

on her face as if she’d awakened

 

to find: 1. she’d kill a man

  1. She’d wasted an unbearable amount

of her life ordering hand lotion online

  1. Hoopastank was more than just a bad dream

 

“What have I done?” Jewel whispered

 

the man mistook her words

for a tricycle

and began to ride

 

the verbal regret

of Jewel’s own inner horror

around the room

in a combination of both circles

and semi-circles

 

in

an

attempt

to

cheer

her

up

 

and maybe it worked

and maybe it didn’t

 

“I had a dream last night that

you were taking medication for your

anxiety and there were side effects

 

strange side effects”

Jewel said

 

The medication caused him to cum bacon.

 

He wasn’t quite sure how to take that

 

He tried to arrange her dream into

another tricycle, but the damn thing

refused to hold together

 

with the night slopped up against the moon

 

Jewel walked out of the living room

her footsteps grounded like flowers

 

as he sat there

contemplating

specific pop songs

 

in a pile of his own bacon

and empty pill bottles

 

and cum

Infinity, Jewel

1 Jun

Jewel-jewel-29472747-1024-768

 

Infinity, Jewel

 

Prologue:

 

…in the picture

Jewel was wearing a shirt

that said

Who Will

Save Your Soul?

but the way the text was laid out

he read it as

 

Who Will

ave Your Soul?

 

and was like

What the fuck does that mean?

because

 

he was intoxicated

and lonely

and the ‘S’ was

hiding on the other side

 

of her chest…

 

 

Today:

 

He doesn’t remember how it happened

but he can remember it happened

effortlessly

 

as if he had no choice in the matter

even though if he’d been given that choice

he would’ve more than most likely responded:

‘Yes’,

anyway

 

it happened

just like it happened

when it happened

 

just like that

 

and the next morning he woke up in bed,

rolled over,

and he was Facebook friends

with Jewel

 

they had breakfast together

 

he made omelets

they ‘liked’ a few links

posted by Scientific American

 

and during the whole time

in which this happened

 

he was thinking they’d had sex

the previous night

but what they’d really done

was simultaneously share a particularly

vibrant quote by Jules Verne

 

he’d made a dumb joke about her middle name

being Vern

even though it wasn’t

 

and they’d ate/eaten

the rest of their breakfast

in silence

 

and then Jewel got up

and left

but before leaving

 

she turned to him

and smiled like a recent photo

of herself standing in Aspen

 

obviously

for the purpose

of skiing

 

and she whispered something

about the Big Bang being

a sunburn

 

and what comes after

pealed skin

 

and then his roommate

walked in on the whole thing

and requested she sing

 

What If God Was One Of Us

 

and Jewel was like

I didn’t write that song

 

and I was like,

 

so ends part one…