Tag Archives: sex

Even My Teeth Are In Love With You

31 Aug

 

Even My Teeth Are In Love With You

 

At the dentist

They were playing Dido

 

They were fluffing their nipples against all the Novocain

They were comparing their own

Previous night’s erections to tooth decay on nitric

Slapping old ‘I Voted’ stickers atop their visible hickys

Attempting to un-memorize the plot

(moves the pawn a space or two)

 

While I sat in the space chair waiting for my x-rays

Reading more Chekov while wearing

That blue hat surrounded

By spit sinks and drill bits glazed in goodbyes

 

Eventually,

 

A raven approached, offering the deluxe co-pay quaking cleaning

In easy to feel bad about installments

And it was the end of the month, where I have no money, so

I told the goddamn bird that I wasn’t Poe

And that I’m pretty sure Chekov wouldn’t have

Put up with this shit, thusly and things like that

I sidestepped the big bill

(chess moves hounded by chess moves)

And chose the free polish option they offered after

I threw what could be considered a mini-fit

Instead

 

Still, on the way out I agreed to call them later

To schedule an appointment for the expenso-clean

Because what else am I going to do?

Your Queen controls the board and

I’ve grown used to my teeth

And everything at some point finds itself

Dependant on a cleaning

 

That said (hits the ‘play again’ button

Or whatever it’s called on the remote control thingy

In order to hear the new Taylor Swift single again)

 

It just pisses me off

Everything is made out of somethings

And it’s always something

 

Why does everyday have to feel like

The guy playing chess with Death in ‘Seventh Seal’

To the sounds of a surf war, thick step after thick step

For the ability to tread water

 

Historical Note:

 

If they made The Seventh Seal today

They wouldn’t be playing chess

They’d be playing something more intellectually relevant

To the times

They’d be playing Pokeemon Go

 

That’s what they’d fucking be playing!

Because life is just: Pokeemon Go?!

 

Maybe,

 

We spend our whole lives with our heads down

Tracking things that aren’t really there and pretending to catch them

In order to get us through to the next day

 

Just so we can go to the dentist, where we never fucking want to be

Just so we can get our hearts broken, weaved with the need to limp forward

Just so we can still fucking exist

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They Both Screamed ‘Uncle Kracker’ At The Same Time When Their Loving Became Too Much

4 Dec

uncle kracker

 

 

They Both Screamed ‘Uncle Kracker’ At The Same Time When Their Loving Became Too Much

 

at some point closer to noon

he slipped away from work

and made his way to her throaty loft

between big town crematoriums

intending to share a long lunch break

even though she had the day off and he still smelled

like earlier-that-morning’s PB & J

 

he wanted to dive straight into it but she wanted to power walk

between the futon and the kitchen table a couple hundred dozen times

and talk without cursing but her voice sounded like a bag of shattered marbles

rough sexing a turtle so they watched a couple of snake documentaries

on Netflix and drank yerba mates, slowly, to get in: the mood

 

the mood was shaped like an immensely dense sex-shop-modified apple fritter

and shortly upon realizing its arrival they both yanked themselves out

of their own sex-stop pants and jumped right in

 

her vagina was wide eyed and aquatic-ly fearless

his penis held its nose before the splash down

 

his penis was bent slightly like an older man carrying groceries

her bush was shaved like it had never been shaved before

her bush appeared to be hiding behind a superfluously positioned

second bush

because sometimes evolution’s just weird like that

 

but his penis was both persistent and wanted a sandwich

and found her sex spots eventually

 

upon arriving his dick felt scratched up

and parched and found itself asking politely

for a glass of lemonade while they did this

 

her clitoris was shaped like an always angry woman

who spends most of her time screaming shit like

“I don’t have any barn-darn lemonade!” or

“Get the hell off my yard!”

 

so he was all “So it’s like that then is it”

and proceeded to bang her without lemonade

or glee

 

butt: fuck it

 

while he was inside her the world didn’t care about participation rates

and while she was outside him she thought about getting her steps in

while outside that little wherever they were

 

the entire goddamn universe is pretty much finite and

Donald Trump may have been doing inappropriate impressions of the disabled

 

but their orgasms almost legitimately

had cerebral palsy

 

literally

when they both came

they came like Michael J Fox

trying on a new pair of socks

 

and then after that happened they really went at it

like they tended to go at it

and knowing how occasionally uncomfortable

the ‘at it’ could get, they’d come up with a series

of safe words

 

and by this point things had gone a little weird

and this afternoon’s safety word was ‘Uncle Kracker’

so he screamed it

but she’d forgotten they’d changed it

she was still under the impression that the safety word

was still ‘That One Song By Menudo!’

but it wasn’t Menudo

it was Uncle Kracker

but she didn’t remember this

so when he screamed Uncle Kracker

she thought he was just making

in-the-middle-of-rough-sex small talk

 

“Yes. I like Uncle Kracker too. Especially

that one song I can’t remember right now.

That’s probably my favorite.”

 

but he wasn’t kidding around

he was fucking serious!

“Not Menudo! Uncle Kracker goddamn it! Check your fucking Outlook!

We stopped doing Menudo yesterday!”

 

he was right of course, but that didn’t really matter anymore

she was in the lunch sex zone and her favorite movie had always been Highlander

“There can be only one!”

 

shit

 

only later

as he was limp walking his way back to the office

did the poor bastard weep