Tag Archives: Trump

Bank Butt

3 Jun

Bank Butt

 

Hey, Bank Butt

 

Is that where you keep your cautiously-horded investments these days?

Because I’m in need of some saving

and I wouldn’t have thought of keeping it there

 

I’d like to apply for a debit card

What exactly would be the process………….Wait!

I mean, if I ain’t thought of something like that already

(ergo: stashing such things in the butt)

What other things have I forgot to think about?

 

(insert alternate curse-type word for ‘shit and/or fuck: there)

 

What if sharks love Rice Crispy Treats more than people?

My penis is not bigger than that cake pan, damn it

How long has it been again exactly, that I’ve been this

alone?

 

Bank Butts,

A new term made to represent a robot’s interpretation of color

but (not butt)

what are robots supposed to know about finance and anaL?

 

Finance: Shit, most likely a bunch, actually

(Historical Note: as soon as the robots learn greed

like the robots have already learned greed: we’re fucked)

Anal: either,

Pretty much everything there is to be known about all of it

(I miss you)

or …………. nothing at all

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth

25 Mar

My 45 Year Old Penis vs. The Penis Of My Youth

 

Where do we start here?

 

Do we start with girth? Ok, Wait! This poem interrupted

By today’s news that Trumpcare failed to make it off its own runway

Or into the connected sex pool

 

Or through the front gates of its cold hearted corporate owned

Slaughterhouse of money-first-doom

And now Paul Ryan looks worse than sad Ben Affleck

 

After the shitty reviews

Of Superman Martha’s Batman had poured in

Trump’s been forced to double the dose of his daily denial enemas

 

In an attempt to convince himself and everyone else

That he didn’t just lose BIGLY! because losing is for losers

And he’s not one of them guys, he’s a kung fu narcissist

 

Which means he couldn’t have been defeated so BIG LEAUGE! today

Unless he really wanted to be

Which means he must have planned it this way

 

Which means: HA!

 

And if that wasn’t enough

Mayte’s written a memoir of her love

and life with Prince?!

 

I had no idea how much

I wanted to read this thing

Until I just now found out that it exists

 

MARTHAAAAAAAAA! I mean Mayte!

I mean shit, I’m in such a good mood right now

I don’t want to do what I’d just sat down and started doing

 

I just wanna listen to a whole bunch of Prince tunes

and read Vonnegut and write something else after

something else

 

I don’t feel like talking about my dick right now

We can talk about my dick later

Today was a good day

 

Knuckles At Dawn

17 Mar

 

Knuckles At Dawn

 

I just sat down

Am I writing a poem?

No, I’m ordering a pizza

 

Find the coupons

Squint over the choice of toppings

Wipe the tears from everything’s head

 

Until I’m not ordering a pizza anymore

It was never a pizza I was looking for

I never really ordered that pizza

 

I just didn’t feel like feeling

alone

or letting you go and

 

I’d run out of Vonnegut novels and Jurassic Park movies

To read/watch weeks ago or last night or that time I had to be

A thing that was required to answer a question like

 

If you had to be a tree what kind of a tree would you be?

With the instructor eyeballing me harshly

As if to convey that it would be best for the collective mind-hive

 

And everything at war against it

If I’d just sodomize my own soul like a good boy

And say something supportive like ‘sequoia’

 

But fuck em

Because just: fuck em, my soul’s asshole is invincibly sensitive

I’d rather scream ‘Martha!’

 

At the mid-end of a horrible DC superhero movie

Than salute ‘sequoia’ on command like a trained ventriloquist’s crotch prop

So when they asked me what kind of tree I’d like to be

 

If I had to be a tree

I didn’t say sequoia

Or birch

 

Or maple-shits

Or whatever the fuck

We call trees who never frackin’ asked

 

To be called anything in the first place

(They just wanted to be left alone)

(Alone together as opposed to alone/alone)

 

In a room composed for the most part

Of people well practiced in the duty of ironing a shirt

Staring at me waiting for me to declare what kind of tree I am

 

I said Noodle Salad

Quoting Jack Nicholson in a behind the scenes documentary

Of The Shining

 

Nobody in the room got the reference

And the instructor just rolled her eyes like I’d just shit

Her pants and moved on

 

While I sat there counting the minutes

Until I could be back home again watching Buffy with my last cat

Perplexed because, shit, moving on is really hard

 

But she’d just done it like it was as easy

As microwaving a cold casserole of salami

She’d moved on, I mean skip forward to last night again

 

The entire day had been going on in a similar fashion

(salami casserole)

And I was tired of almost everything

So I decided to go to bed

 

But that didn’t solve anything

I just rolled there in circles while Shutter Island

Jumped up and down on my face

 

As I mumbled ‘Knock it off’,

Trump’s choice to head the EPA endorsed Carbon Dioxide

And Shutter Island grumbled

 

“Nickel’s dead.

I sleep on your skull now.

What else am I supposed to do?”

 

The world is a wasteful place and

I’ve got a heart like a dumpster

And a complicated cat who misses her sister

 

If I had to be a tree I’d be an astronaut

If I had to be an astronaut I’d be a maple leaf

If I had to be a maple leaf like I’m a maple leaf

 

I’d be the sort of maple leaf that still gave a shit about

Everything that’s still left worth giving a shit about

Even post-fall and I’d been shed to the ground

 

I’d be the sort of maple leaf screaming

Knuckles at dawn!

At the current wave of American Fascism

 

And everything horrible

the brand new Trump administration

Is trying to hump through

 

I’d be the sort of maple leaf that I am now

Hanging in there on the ground, almost 7 years now

Post-the falling, trying to find my way to move on

 

I miss your tree

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)

16 Nov

trump-nov

I’m Going To Build A Miniature Version Of The Wall From Game of Thrones

and Donald Trump Is Going To Pay For It (post election day version)

 

Because, fuck him

with his Confederate flag embracing

Putin loving

sexist

homophobia

his shitty fucking children

and his goddamn wall

 

What the fuck are you doing America?!

Every Night at The Trump Fuck Facts Factory

Is Racist Cartoon Ostriches and

The Dangerously Gullible Drink For Free Night!

 

And everything’s wasted

And it’s driving me mad

I mean, along with all the other stuff

Already sitting behind the big wheel

The thought process involved with this orangish Fuhrer

and his army

Of Trump loving supporters

Is driving me mad too

 

Paraphrasing Deadwood:

In a country in which the president elect can be aroused

By his own misuse of power and a bucket of bacon grease…..

 

Or paraphrasing Melania: (because according to her everything

Donald does that’s all encompassingly horrible

isn’t his fault) The Billy Bush made him do it!

 

Ergo/AKA: to put it more accurately

Following the rules in this new World According to Assholes

(In order of those most responsible)

Hillary Clinton made him do it!

And then the media made him do it!

And after that it’s the Billy Bush’s fault!

And to quote Linus in It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown:

“nooooooooooooooo.”

When a Republican wins the election Democrats stock up

on birth control and when a Democrat wins the election

Republicans stock up on guns

 

and it’s too much madness right now

 

Tonight I’m tired of almost everything

So fuck it, if they want a goddamn wall

Then I want one too!

 

My broken heart needs a border

Because it’s all sprawled out

To the point where I can no longer determine

Where my sadness ends and Mexico or Canada or

Chuckie Cheese begins

 

So I need a goddamn wall!

A miniature version of The Wall from Game of Thrones!

Not just for myself, but for the other things too

 

I’ve got a house full of broken hearted action figures that deserve better

Than the present behavior of the outside world

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They won’t get their lady-bits grabbed

Simply because they’re within stubby handed reach

My action figures deserve to live in a world in which

They’re not demonized for being Vulcan or Targaryen or

A giant sentient marshmallow in a little white hat

 

Because: This space is a diverse space

In this space we love stuff

even though that stuff almost never loves us back

 

Conservative action figures like Boss Hog,

Charlton Heston, and synthetic employees of

Weyland/Yutani cohabitating peacefully with

Obama on a surfboard, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

 

Trump wants top level security clearance

for his horrible

shitty

hair gel’d kids

 

Trump just appointed a white supremacist

to be his Godfather Robert Duval

Trump wants to Make Fascism Great Again

My action figures deserve better

 

Trump’s opinion of women

Makes Zuul look like a romantic

His immigration plan

Makes President Snow seem reasonable

His creepy sexual comments regarding his own daughter

Make Captain Kirk look like a prude

 

Trump walks around like he’s Indiana Jones with a head cold

Which makes my Indiana Jones action figure feel ashamed

And terrible, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing

“Fuck! What did I do?!”

 

Independence Day Jeff Goldblum has been running around

The wood floor for a week now since the election

Screaming I found a signal dammit, why weren’t you listening?!

They were using our own satellites

against us again and all that

We can’t let this happen! (And also, can we get Dennis instead of Randy

to help out this time?) This can’t be done!”

 

But it is done. It’s fucking done.

And seriously, I knew it could probably happen

but I never thought we’d get to this point

Where she’d actually leave me, with her

Chewed skulls for fingertips and green mustard colored eyes and……

No wait, sorry, wrong story

 

Helen,     I mean Donald

 

Donald,

 

I mean I never thought we’d get to the point

where you’d be where the fuck your are

President of an entire country

I never thought we’d get here

But here has been gotten to

 

And that’s why I’ve decided to build a miniature version of The Wall

From Game of Thrones and Donald Trump is going to pay for it

 

Because I’m tired and sad and my heart, having

Already been broken has been broken again

And I didn’t think that would be possible

Tonight I am DJ Inconsolable

And I’m not the only one

 

Cthulhu refuses to come out of the water

Admiral Ackbar whispering “Didn’t I warn you?”

My pillow shark can’t stop sobbing

The Scooby Doo lunch box unable to reconcile the un-reality

of the rise to power of a reality TV douchbag with the fact

That it’s last name is Doo

Notes On The Ejaculation Patterns Of The Domesticated Yeti

27 Oct

chili

Notes On The Ejaculation Patterns Of The Domesticated Yeti

 

Warning:

 

If you believe the things said by a Yeti

Yetis can only cum once/one time

per day/over the course of an orderly 24 hours

 

which sounds like Trump facts/entirely made up

that’s like a 4 legged spider trying to convince the world

that all spiders are half-legged or a scorpion trying to pass

itself off as Brad Pitt

 

it’s safe to say one should not trust a Yeti

because they seem to believe all sorts of crazy shit

like grooming is for suckers

and their moms get to meet everybody flagrantly

and grown men who are pretty damn charming

most likely dress like Beatniks

in cliché turtlenecks and berets

 

the Yeti insists that it can only cum once!

to which common sense and science screams: Fuck that!

a domesticated Yeti, maybe

one who lives in a parent subsidized house cave

not trimming his outer ear beards

and butchering the English language

in an attempt to sound impressive

when all the fuck he had to say was

wow

 

that one cum thing may be true of the domesticated Yeti

but non-domesticated Yetis

the ones who live in the wild

I hear they cum all the time!

when they wake up

while brushing their teeth

while watching New Girl

each time they catch a mountain squirrel

or a trout

 

the un-domesticated Yeti can cum upwards of 23 times

throughout the course of a 24 hour day

 

the domesticated Yeti appears unable to relate to all that

the domesticated Yeti doesn’t hunt for its food,

subsisting on previously prepared Irish cuisine,

freezer burned tacos, and gently used urinal cakes

 

the domesticated Yeti has evolved itself

into a gargled and insecure beast

who can only cum once per earthly rotation

and feels the need to verbally criticize

that which is obviously perfect in an attempt

to show its own ego who’s boss

 

the domesticated Yeti shits awkwardly long words

from its mouth like a pampered thesaurus made out of diarrhea

and the butts of cigarettes

 

the domesticated Yeti votes for Gary Johnson

indisposed of the fact that Gary Johnson is ridiculous

and even the non-domesticated Yeti have united behind

the universal understanding that nature and the vast cities

which cup the balls of nature must put aside their various grievances

in a cohesive effort to defeat Trump

 

because it’s important to fight for what’s important

the domesticated Yeti doesn’t get that

the domesticated Yeti pontificates upon bullshit while letting

the good things get away

the domesticated Yeti lacks the sexually recuperative properties

which all other sentient life on this planet either cherish

or take for granted

the domesticated Yeti is such a dick

 

“I didn’t know you knew so much about Yetis” Rain-a told Marles

 

“Yeah. When I’m not thinking about being inside you, I think of

other stuff like Yetis and dress shoes…..”

 

Rain-a laughed and looked out the window. “How many times

do you think we can fuck before it gets dark?” she asked Marles

 

“More times than a domesticated Yeti, I promise you that.” Marles said

before utilizing his spoon to scoop the last bits of potato chicken chili

off his plate.

 

Rain-a laughed again while pushing

her own plate off the table. “Let’s get to it, then!”

 

So they did

Power Thru

18 Sep

buf

 

‘Power Thru’

 

Human robots at the 7-11 pimping

Prime Rib Flavored potato chips

In an election year

Whose mouth is full of dead beef

And between chokes

During the moments in which the gag reflex

Temporarily climbs its way

To the front line in the poles

Everything is said

And everything is contradicting

And the truth is kicked

Until unconscious

By a mobile unit

In charge of transporting white supremacist

Courting orange hair

Towards an earthworm scented army

Beneath a sun that sweats weathered anal beads

And horse glue

Ergo:

Another brand new day

Where it’s too early for anything

Especially interacting

With all these things that insist upon bouncing about

Pretending to be people

When all I want to do is pay for this diet Big Gulp

And swim back to the car

Because I’ve got a broken heart

And a xanex hangover

The size Donald Trump insists

His hands to be and not the actual size

That they are

And there’s a woman standing in the line beside me

Who’s talking in a stage voice

That’s being sued for divorce by the stage

And she’s going on about ‘kitty litter’

As if it’s the answer to everything

As if kitty litter’s gonna save us all

Giving advice to who goddamn knows

She was addressing her imagined Ted Talk towards her phone

The other end could’ve been empty

Or not empty, but for the sake of not giving up

On everything completely right now

Let’s assume the positive

She was talking to a friend who was fond of her

And not a dead phone that never gave a shit

But the thing is, I was only 15 minutes post exiting base camp

And already exhausted by people

But the kitty litter lady was interesting

So I decided to stick it out like I don’t always decide

To stick it out and instead of fleeing back to my futon

I remained in line listening to the kitty litter lady

Make her case for the miracle that is kitty litter

She said things like:

Put kitty litter in an empty paint bucket

If you want to prevent spiders from turning your backyard garden

Into 8 leg each multi-partner orgy sex motels

Your garage window is broken?

Put kitty litter on it.

Problem solved

You hurt your back?

Have you not been listening?

Kitty litter!

It’s a gift from an Ancient Aliens episode

That hasn’t even happened yet!

Believe it!

Kitty litter also prevents wrinkles

But the application process isn’t pretty

And:

If a child’s goldfish dies, bury it in kitty litter

Then sell the tank when the kids not looking

Because as great as kitty litter might be

It can’t make

Dead fish walk beneath water

Or the one who’s willingly left you

Come back

When they don’t want too

So: what else is going on?

 

My Donald In Your Putin

15 Sep

donald-trump-kissing-vladimir-putin-127247

 

My Donald In Your Putin

 

Mayakovsky poem as-if mistranslated from the Russian

by a love-struck Donald Trump

 

What can I say

You’re a strong man

And when a strong man says

Nice things to me

It’s only reasonable to say

Nice things to the strong man

Back, I mean just look at you!

 

I can tell you

After one glance at you

If bears wore shirts

They would stop wearing shirts

And start walking around topless

Like I suppose they already do

With their great bear nipples exposed

 

And maybe if somebody had a camera

They’d get their pictures taken while riding a horse

Or something like that

Because as far as my management style goes:

 

Bear. Can. Ride. Horse

 

Believe me,

Those shirtless bears

Would vote shirtless

Because they love it

 

And also

So they could pretend

To be like you

 

Because I will say this, sir

You: are spectacular

And I’m not just quoting my own mirror again

I’m being honest here

 

I find you so impressive

I would have my current wife deported

For 5 minutes alone with you

In my pool room

 

(Historic note: the pool room contained neither

Swimming pool nor pool table, only a pool shaped sink

That had been placed where sinks are generally placed

In the bathroom and utilized for the purpose of mutual

Shoulder scratching and other pre-insertion endured rituals

In the tower of President Trump),

 

Crashhhhh#*prettybowinit#@getmeoutofhere64

 

Are those your real arms or did

My tax returns grow fingers

And insist on touching you

Until this audit is over?

 

I mean: Wow!

 

For another 10 minutes with you

After the 5 minutes that we’ll have already

Negotiated,

Those 5 minutes during which I’d do stuff to you

I’d have my second wife castrated

Inter-regardless of the fact that when I was doing her

You can believe me because I’m waiving my finger

While typing this down for you,

When I was doing her……………..

When I was doing her,

She didn’t have nuts

 

But, for you

I would have actual balls surgically attached to

Her general area and then I’d have them

Dramatically removed as if she’d owned those

Things for her entire life

And was so sad to see them go

 

So sad

 

It’s horrible, what these Democrats do to people

Such things shouldn’t happen

Am I right here? What a shame

 

My point being I would do this for you,

Even though she’s a very nice person, my middle wife, and

This thing, the castration,

I find the whole thing unsettling

It would emotionally effect me

For a few nights, no

Let’s be honestly here

I only want to be honest with you

So let’s call it damn near half the week

And still

 

I’d do that for you

Despite the fact that you never asked me too

And after it’s done

I might not feel exactly like myself for

Almost a week

 

But that’s ok, I mean

A week’s not all that bad

For a man of my age and enormous

Hand size so you’d be smart to pour us

Another shot of vodka

Because we’re both incredibly popular

And I’ve still got another ex-wife

To sacrifice to the Big And Tall Glove Store

Of our late fall Olivia Newton John Travolta

Macramé’d love

 

I, [insert my name here along with your penis]

Pledge allegiance to the fact that

For the honor of placing my Trump

In your Putin

For the up to/yet not exceeding the duration it takes

For our enemies to watch

An entire episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm

I would have my first wife murdered

 

Flat out

Stop talking about it

She’s gone

 

My Donald in your Putin

Are we doin’ this or ain’t we?

Check the yes box for yes

And let’s not dwell on the rest

 

My Trump in your Putin

 

After which we listen to Another Day In Paradise

Instead of smoking cigarettes

 

And we read the paper

Mostly the brightly colored advertisements

And pretty quick I become outraged because

 

What is this malnourished cardboard expecting here?!

 

They’re gonna give me an extra 15% off if I buy

the goddamn thing in the store? Fuck that, etc.

 

I don’t go to Bed Bath and Beyond!

Bed Bath and Beyond comes to me!